Robot Hand is the Future: May 2006

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Busting the Hump

Who even wants to bust the hump anymore? There's no good Hump Day television since that giant, four-toed foot came crashing down upon us. Still...I guess these links will be good for something.

Cracked has their Summer Movie Preview up, AND IT IS FUNNY.

This shot-for-shot remake of [The Omen] gets released June 6th, a date that can also be expressed as – ho ho, wait for it now – 6/6/06. This is a detail the film’s marketing campaign has been careful to drive into the ground with all the quiet grace and tact of a retarded man using a sausage for a tent peg. Any movie whose sole reason for existence is a nifty numbers trick is probably not worth your time. Hold out for 5138008 Upside Down on a Calculator is BOOBIES: The Motion Picture instead. (It's got a surprise ending!)

Speaking of Fred Flintstone's giant foot, Something Awful has an exclusive peek at next season of Lost (via BestWeekEver).

Our format of weekly flashbacks from different characters is becoming a problem as the characters' storylines wear thin. Which is why I'm taking the bold move of having another plane crash. This will bring in enough new cast members that we can phase out the characters fans care about altogether! These new characters will include, among others, Sam Nietzsche, Jenny Kierkegaard, and Shakespeare McNotnamedafteraphilosopher.

I'm not entirely sure what this blog is about, but they randomly visited my site last week. It's kind-of-sort-of not safe for work-ish, but not really. It's basically interesting poetry intermingled with pictures of clothed va-jay-jays. Wha?
i-Mockery has a review of Buzz Bombers for Intellivision (also known as The Oldest Video Game System EVAR!!)

When you spray a bee, it will "magically" turn into a tasty golden honeycomb. I say "magically" because that's exactly how the back of the game box explains this transformation. In real life, spraying a bee would probably kill it - and possibly make it sting you in a final act of buzzing rage. In Buzz Bombers, however, spraying a bee makes it swirl around and turn into a honey comb. If you you manage to spray one of the speedy white killer bees, it will "magically" turn into a red honeycomb. Why it doesn't turn into a white one is beyond me, I guess the designers figured the color red suits the "killer bees" better. But if that's true, then why didn't they make the actual killer bees red too? My friends, we may never know the truth behind this great mystery.

Another Wednesday, another batch of Wednesday One-Liners from Overheard in New York. It was Fleet Week in New York, and that means all the sailors came home to open arms.

Girl to sailor: Well, without your hat you're fucking ugly!

And finally, make yourself a Simpsons character. Or make yourself a South Park character. I don't care. Just make something out of yourself or you'll never amount to anything and your mother and I will have to support your lazy ass until you finally move out of our basement to room with your imaginary brother from World of Warcraft.

Get a job. I'm here busting my hump every Wednesday for the last month, and you're sitting there playing Mario Kart and eating Cheetos!

May 24, 2006
May 17, 2006
May 10, 2006
May 3, 2006
April 26, 2006

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I jumped the gun

It seems like only yesterday that I was lambasting Angelina Jolie for giving her child a relatively normal name when there were pieces of fruit still unclaimed. Seems like I spoke too soon: the spawn of Brad's loins apparently let her own press get to her head, as she is named after Jesus.

The child -- whose pending arrival created a frenzy of hyperbole making it, according to one Web site executive, "the most anticipated baby since Jesus Christ" -- was named Shiloh, which means "Peaceful One" in Hebrew and, according to a Bible dictionary, refers to the Messiah. ("Messiah" comes from "mashiach," Hebrew for "anointed one.")

I bet Moses Martin is going to be really pissed, playing second fiddle to Jesus Jolie.

Dear lord, you are such a loser

I was going to write a post about how this ~~guy~~ nerd was a loser, because he led his girlfriend on a scavenger hunt through Super Mario World to find out where they were going for their date.

As you can see, the level has been edited to contain a clue. In this case, the message reads, "A car will pick you up at 7:00." As your date runs along the level, they can read their instructions. In this case, my message was to look in a certain location in the house for the next clue, ultimately ending in with a message saying to dress nicely and to expect to be picked up at 7:00, but you can be as creative as you like.

As I said, I was going to make fun of the guy...but then I realized that he had a girlfriend and I do not. Well, crap.

At least we can hope that she looks like this.

Trailer Trash

It's Trailer Trash Tuesday, and everything is just...super.

Superheroes! Ghost Rider is coming to the big screen. The leather-clad flaming skull makes the leap in the form of an ultra-lame looking Nicholas Cage.
Superheroes again! This time, fake ones. Michael Rappaport is "Special," a man who believes he's a superhero due to an experimental drug.
Superman! For the fourth of five Trailer Trashes, there is a new Superman Returns trailer--this one is the "Final Theatrical Trailer" released with X3.

And, because it's such a Super day, I've gone through the trouble of Super-Sizing Trailer Trash with two additional trailers.

Strangers With Candy, based on the Comedy Central Show, receives its second trailer today. And it's hilarious. Starring Steven Colbert and Amy Sedaris.
Clerks 2 has an Internet-only teaser on YouTube. Funny stuff. The movie received an eight-minute standing ovation at Cannes, leading me to believe that Clerks 2 may not suck as everybody once thought.

If you want more trailer trash, you can head to your local Tatoo Parlor. If you want more Trailer Trash, click below.

May 23, 2006
May 16. 2006
May 9, 2006
May 2, 2006

Monday, May 29, 2006

HOLY CRAP.

Really. Holy crap. X3 came off with $120 million, rendering my entire Arbitrary list null and void (which is a shame, because it's the first week that I was right on with my placement).

X3, $120.1 million (my pick: #1, $70.2 million)
The Da Vinci Code, $43 million (my pick: #2, $27.1 million)
Over the Hedge, $35.3 million (my pick: #3, $16.1 million)
Mission: Impossible 3, $8.5 million (my pick: #4, $6.3 million)
Poseidon, $7 million (my pick: #5, $4.2 million)

The Monday Grind

It's a special holiday edition of The Monday Grind, meaning you can have one day of freedom before returning to the soul-crushing Mondays of yore.

Scary Crayon reviews three strange video games. Did he get winners or losers? Click to see.

And then I came upon something I've never seen even in the Chinatowns of New York and Frisco: a cardboard box with "PLAYSTATION GAMES" scrawled on it in Sharpie marker. Now, there are stores with video games in other Chinatowns, but these are expensive new import titles that everyone's heard of, not obscure used imports with no documentation whatsoever. With the disc titles being printed in Japanese, I had no idea what I was purchasing -- but at $2 Canadian each, I decided to take a gamble on a few and see what I ended up with.

SomethingAwful's Photoshop Phriday was a good one: Video Games According to Grandma.
The 7th Level rips apart an NES classic: Excitebike!

I put the game in, my hands quivering with anticipation. I press it down firmly and hit the power switch. After seeing a blinking grey screen, I take the game out. I give it a firm blow (olol) and put it back in. I get a title screen that looks glitchy and like it's been the wife of Ike Turner for far too long. I turn it off again, and I take the game out. I shake it, and it sounds like there is sand or something inside. I put the game in on the very edge of the inner slot of the system, and I force it down, grinding the top of the game. I say a little prayer, and hit the power button. HUZZAH! WE'RE IN BUSINESS!

And finally, Matt updated X-Entertainment with four new outrageous commercials. Huzzah!

In a great scene, a silver-suited freaky woman spends around 30 seconds trying to get her husband into the "matching top," and after she finally does, they have a hugging fit. Like, a crazy hugging fit. The kind of hugging fit man and wife have after wife first finds out that she's growing his midget slave inside her. I'm not sure what all the celebration was about, but judging by how much trouble she seemed to have getting the Slim Top on hubby, maybe it's that. Maybe they just felt really accomplished and able to conquer goals no other couples could.

For the next 30 Mondays, 24 can't even save you from the drudgery of your working life.. You sad bastard.

May 22, 2006
May 15, 2006
May 8, 2006
May 1, 2006
April 24, 2006

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Star-Crossed Lovers

They met in the back room on a cruise. He was dancing dirty, and she was getting all moist just thinking about it. And then...MAGIC HAPPENED.

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

(via Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands)

This is it! The second coming!

The most anticipated baby since Jesus Christ has popped out of the juicy womb and into the arms of its wacko parents. The most anticipated afterbirth was soon to follow.

"The night of May 27, 2006 in Namibia, Africa, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcomed their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. No further information is being given," publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a statement.

Wait, wait, wait...We have this insane woman who lives in third-world countries despite her boundless wealth, plans on buying her own Island of Dr. Moreau, and used to keep a vial of blood around her neck. And SHE gives us the most normal Celebrity Baby Name in years? Come on! You could have done better, Angie. You could have at least thrown out a half-hearted "Apple" or "Pilot Inspektor" instead of giving it a real name.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of May 26, 2006

It is exceedingly difficult to pick a winner this week. Poseidon is rockin' the house and RV is hitting an upsurge. Oh, and some movie about a pointy-haired guy opened this weekend too.

Nerds Cream Themselves* (X3): $70.2 million. From the director of Rush Hour. Let that sink in for a moment. The director of Rush Hour (and its sequel) is getting work (and not just giving five-dollar handjobs in the LA slums, but actual film work).
Seriously, Holy God, Look at Tom Hanks' Hair! (The DaVinci Code):$27.1 million. I saw this movie and thought it wasn't nearly as good as the book (and that's saying something, considering how poorly written the book was).
Steve Carrell Will Take ANY Film Role Offered To Him (Over the Hedge):$16.1 million. In the fine tradition of Samuel L. Jackson and Christopher Walken, Steve Carrell is the new "talented person taking crappy jobs because he can" (see also: Sleepover).
The Following Is a List of Things I Find More Interesting Than Talking About This Movie (M:I 3): $6.3 million. The country of Myanmar, Britney Spears' children, anthropology, Tara Reid, fashion, dogs, cars, tools, NASCAR, pets of any sort, religion, the anatomy of reptiles, sports, Murder She Wrote, whether or not I have "attached" earlobes, knitting, hunting, the middle ages, Staind, and the Reagan administration.
Moisture Is the Essence of Wetness (Poseidon): $4.2 million. In spite of it all, still not as interesting as M:I 3.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Taking a Newsdump

It's been a pretty bland week on the news front. Then, today, CNN.com (which is not my sugar daddy) made me all asplooge with excitement. Several funny headlines or articles to present to you, the three people that read this site.

It's a headline so brilliant that I'm not even going to bother reading the article for fear of disappointment: "Blind man: I was hit-and-run grannies' next target." It's got all the trappings of a funny article. Crazy old women and disabled people.
A surefire disappointment compared to the last article due to its lack of crazy old bats and blind folks: "Chicken and egg debate unscrambled." It's about time they got to answering this bad boy. This is bound to be exciting! Wait, what do you mean it's really, really boring?

Put simply, the reason is down to the fact that genetic material does not change during an animal's life. Therefore the first bird that evolved into what we would call a chicken, probably in prehistoric times, must have first existed as an embryo inside an egg.

The Question: "What's in 'American Idol' Taylor Hicks' future?" The Answer: Two weeks of popularity, three years of desperate grasping at fame despite his inherent shittiness, and one death by heroin overdose.
Another super-fun happy quiz! Who is this quote referencing? "It is the most anticipated baby since Jesus Christ."

Is it...

A. Jack Bauer
B. Jesus II: The Sequel
C. Fred Savage
D. None of the Above

If you chose D, you're correct. It's actually about the boring old baby of boring old Brad Pitt and boring old Angelina Jolie. I was more interested about the freaking chicken embryos.

MP3 of the Week

This week's MP3 lets you rock out to Pete Yorn. The song is called "Murray" and it's from the album "Musicforthemorningafter."

Click here to download the track.

Click here to buy the album.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Super-Fun Happy Quiz of the Week

Last night's finale of Lost was stunning. I wasn't expecting too much, but it definitely blew "24" (and any other finale this year) out of the water. So many questions were answered, and so many new questions were raised. Here now is the super-fun happy quiz of the week:

Name That "LOST" Twist!

There were some pretty outrageous twists last night--some so incredibly unlikely that they couldn't possibly be picked out of a police line-up. So now, it's your job to pick them out of a police line-up! Six are true and four are false. Go for it.

The "Monster," previously thought to be black smoke, is actually a hallucinigenic drug released by pipes.
People from the outside world found the location of Mystery Island.
A giant bird called out Hurley's name.
Sayid, Jin, and Sun are presumed dead.
The Hatch is an electromagnet that caused the crash of the airplane.
Locke, Eko, and Desmond are presumed dead.
There is a giant, four-toed foot along the coast of Mystery Island.
The Polar Bears from season one are bred for combat.
Sayid's CIA contact was on the island somehow.
Sawyer was actually one of the "Others" on a deep-cover mission.

You have your answers written down on your Jeopardy tablet? Good. Let's dissect this bitch.

The "Monster," previously thought to be black smoke, is actually a hallucinigenic drug released by pipes.
- False. The monster, despite being the prominent "mystery" of the very first episode, has only appeared twice since then. Last night was not one of them.
People from the outside world found the location of Mystery Island.
- True. In the first ever "modern-day" scene in the real world, scientists noticed the electromagnet's effects and called...Desmond's ex-girlfriend?
A giant bird called out Hurley's name.
- True. Yes'm, it's true. A giant freaking bird said Hurley's name (it happened last season too). I really have nothing to add to this, and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense...until next season when we find out that the "Others" ARE ACTUALLY PTERODACTYLS!
Sayid, Jin, and Sun are presumed dead.
- False. Sayid, Jin, and Sun are sitting at the "Others'" fake camp, waiting for the arrival of Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Michael, and Hurley. However, Michael is sailing off the island in a motorboat. Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are hostages. Hurley is probably in the jungle eating ranch dressing. In other words, they ain't coming any time soon.
The Hatch is an electromagnet that caused the crash of the airplane.
- True. If the Hatch operator failed to enter the numbers in the computer, the electromagnet fired. It happened again last night, and the Hatch appeared to explode.
Locke, Eko, and Desmond are presumed dead.
- True. They were in the Hatch (see number 5).
There is a giant, four-toed foot along the coast of Mystery Island.
- True. What the hell? Unless the "Others" are paying tribute to The Simpsons, something weird is afoot (hehe, the foot is afoot).
The Polar Bears from season one are bred for combat.
- False. The polar bears are yet to be explained.
Sayid's CIA contact was on the island somehow.
- True. Inman was Desmond's predecessor in the hatch. What?
Sawyer was actually one of the "Others" on a deep-cover mission.
- False. Sawyer's too cool for that. He got kidnapped by the "Others," along with Jack and Kate.

Sound weird enough for you? Me too.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Gimme gimme gimme....Jimmy....WOODS!

In a bit of news that is more for my sister than for any sane person, The Wizard is finally coming to DVD.

You know!

The Wizard!

No?

The hour-and-a-half Nintendo commercial starring Fred Savage and his autistic brother? Part of the holy trinity: The Wizard, Little Monsters, and The Chipmunk Adventure?

Still no?

Well, then discover it on DVD. Here is a taste of the awesome, cheesy '80s-ness that is...The Wizard.

For more, read Matt's X-Entertainment review.

Busting the Hump

I know you're still recovering from the heartbreaking finales of Alias and 24 on Monday (rest in peace, Jack Bristow, Thomas Grace, and Jack Bauer maybe; rest in pieces, Arvin Sloane), but it's time to start thinking about rolling over the speed-bump of the week and watching the heartbreaking finale of Lost (or the boring finale of American Idol, if you are silly). Hopefully these links will be the fuel that gets you over the hump.

TVGasm has posted a list of the Top 20 TV-deaths of the season. While it is now woefully outdated (play a requiem for Jack Bristow), I agree with a bunch. Edgar Stiles, we hardly knew ye.
i-Mockery has a bit of advice for the Kevin Federlines of our world: Tips for the Modern Dad.

Back in your Dad's day it was a lot easier to take no guff, especially after he went out for cigarettes right before your eighth birthday party and never returned. Today's society demands a lot more of Fathers, so it's best to make it known your 'bullshit meter' is always 'on' right away. I recommend sternly advising your newborn to 'button that lip!' the instant their head breeches the birth canal.

Retrocrush proves once and for all that Al Gore would have been a better president than Double-You in their exclusive interview.

[In reference to his Futurama cameo:] Last summer...I was walking down with my business associates down to the Paragon restaurant, and this group of young people, in their I’d say late 20s were coming in the opposite direction, and they get about 20 feet away, and they don’t say, 'Hey! There’s the former Vice President of The United States, or something like that, instead, one of them throws both arms up in the air says, 'I HAVE RIDDEN THE MIGHTY MOON WORM!' (laughs) and my associates are like, 'Uhhhh', and I’m all 'Right on, man!'

Meanwhile, the P-Boinkers envision a life where they have to forget everything they know and start anew.

“And if the burn victim is convulsing it most likely is a sign that their oxygen levels are low. You should bag them for twenty seconds or until the convulsions recede. Should the victim become unresponsive use the defibrillators appropriately.”

“Very impressive, Mr. Dallamora. How long have you been a paramedic.”

“Oh I'm no paramedic I just like to mess around with half-dead bodies, but I did stay at a Holiday Day Inn Express last night.”

Wednesday means Wednesday One-Liners at Overheard in New York, where, interestingly enough, things in New York are overheard.

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That's right. You threw up.

Honestly though...Hump away.

May 17, 2006
May 10, 2006
May 3, 2006
April 26, 2006

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Trailer Trash

Last night was the last episode of Alias ~~of the season~~ ever. I can't say it lived up to all of my hopes and dreams, but it was a very fitting send-off. While this isn't exactly a trailer, you can CLICK HERE to watch the full series finale for free. Good-bye, Alias. I must look elsewhere for spy intrigue, neon wigs, and women with man-shoulders.
THERE IS SHIT IN YOUR MEAT! The movie based on a book based on a Merica. Fast Food Nation.
Proving that it is certainly going to be the best movie of all time, Superman Returns makes its third Trailer Trash appearance in nearly as-many episodes. This time: the International Trailer.
And finally, the feel-good movie of the year (from the maker of Natural Born Killers, of course): World Trade Center.

Want more Trailer Trash? Well, you can go to Britney Spears' family reunion, OR you can just click below.

May 16. 2006
May 9, 2006
May 2, 2006

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

It finally happened last night. Jack Bauer was beaten. I won't go into details here, but CNN has a nice little wrap-up of the finale here.

In honor of what may be the best season [yet] of "24," it is time for some cheesy-Jack-Bauer-jokes-that-I-am-making-up-right-now!

What did Jack Bauer say as he was mixing margaritas for Tony Almeida and President Palmer?

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF LIME!

What did Jack Bauer say as he was trying to enhance the flavor of Edgar's steak?

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF THYME!

What did Jack Bauer say as he mopped his floor?

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF GRIME!

What did Jack Bauer say during his tour of Nickelodeon Studios with his daughter, Kim?

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF SLIME!

What did Jack Bauer say as he was trying to digest his food?

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF CHYME!

What did Jack Bauer say as he was trying to make silly Jack Bauer jokes?

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF RHYMES!

Thank you. I'll be here all week. Watch bookshelves and elementary-school book fairs next year for my silly new book, 101 Jack Bauer Jokes.

More "24"-related goodness:

Nonsense Headline of the Week

"Heynckes back at Moenchengladbach" (CNN)

In other news, Dsafjnsnmsgk is back at Dnsdklgskjgdkl;jhkajk. Also, Gkmnkas is going to Kfklnlkjk;lkajkjaajjkahhuiyt, and Rapeo'ai will end up at Lkjldsnlkjsdgkdfvbcx,bvjkdhjjhjgajghja ahjfhajg jahgjha ajh jghaj2435434123hfdsjkh.

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Monday Grind

I don't see nothin' wrong with a little Monday Grind.

In honor of "24" and "Alias," both ending tonight (the latter leaving forever), we have a two-hour season (series?) finale of the Monday Grind.

Mystie at CrownCombo does it again, and this time she reviews the most disgusting glob of food I've ever seen: the "KFC Famous Bowl."

While other fast food restaurants are worrying about healthy solutions like salads and fruit, KFC is working harder to create the most god-awful artery-clogging concoctions your can imagine. When I watched the advertisements for their new "KFC Famous Bowls" I couldn't imagine them being famous for anything more than causing instant constipation.

Reviewing magazines from three years ago is the new black (at least according to ScaryCrayon), who reviewed a 2002 issue of Cosmo!

"She Caught a Rapist With a Straw" is probably the most intriguing article in the piece as well as the most interesting thing on the cover, as you read it and wonder how this sex-crimes detective managed to pull that one off. The actual answer, of course, is less interesting than you might imagine.

The 7th Level's self-proclaimed Worst Comic Ever was actually pretty funny in spite of its name. Check it out.
I don't know where this site came from, but Waste of Pixels has some real-life correspondence with the real-life NAMBLA. And that's not the Marlon Brando lookalikes!

The law does not care about your good intentions or how upstanding others may be in similar circumstances. When witches were burned at
the stake 350 years ago, rationality was no defense. You may not suffer that particular fate today, but current prison sentences can be very brutal.

Oh NAMBLA, you so nambly! I just want to...wait, what's that? The network up-fronts are coming in? MONDAY GRIND HAS BEEN RENEWED FOR ANOTHER SEASON. I hope you enjoyed this finale. New episodes of the Monday Grind will start next Monday. Until then...summer reruns.

May 15, 2006
May 8, 2006
May 1, 2006
April 24, 2006

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Hey hey! Ho ho! The DaVinci Code has got to go!

Well, my picks were a little off this week (DAMN YOU, RV!), so you'll just have to live without the pictures of my protest against The DaVinci Code (yes, I joined, despite the fact that I don't agree with the protests). Imagine, though, my sign: "The DaVinci Code? MORE LIKE THE DUMB-VINCI CODE!"

The DaVinci Code, $77 million (my pick: #1, $52.3 million)
Over The Hedge, $37.2 million (my pick: #2, $27.6 million)
Mission: Impossible 3, $11 million (my pick: #3, $12.1 million)
Poseidon, $9.2 million (my pick: #5, $8.2 million)
RV, $5.1 million (Damn it)

Befuddling ABBA News Item of the Day

Abbas: Palestinians dare not resort to civil war (CNN)

Meanwhile, ABBA says, "Dancing queen! Young and sweet! Only seventeen!"

Anyone remember that teenie-pop ABBA tribute band that somehow made it onto the charts a few years ago? That was crazy shit.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of May 19, 2006

This week's box office will not be brought to you by a duck. I ate that duck.

Last night at the movie theater, business was S-L-O-E slow. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say the horrible, horrible reviews of The DaVinci Code have already taken their toll. It's nice to see that somebody else recognizes Opie's lack of directorial skill. Usually he gets Oscar nominations for his poorly-directed movies.

I think Hollywood's fate depends on Superman Returns. X3 is supposed to suck, and M:I 3 and DaVinci have sucked it up. Still, the lackluster opening for DaVinci was bigger than our lackluster opening for M:I 3. Let's take a look at my guesstimates.

Mona Lisa Smile (The DaVinci Code): $52.3 million. Something about the girl from "Amelie" and the dude from "Bosom Buddies." No, not Peter Scolari...the brunette one. Hell if I know his name.
Another Computer-Animated Talking Animal Movie (Over the Hedge): $27.6 million. Because we didn't get enough this year in "Madagascar," "The Wild," "Valiant," "Hoodwinked," "Ice Age 2," and "Doogal,"
Seriously...Laurence Fishburne and Philip Seymour Hoffman? (M:I 3): $12.1 million. Seriously...where did all the integrity go?
See No Movie (See No Evil): $11.8 million. Other than the fact that this is another bullshit horror movie, I have no insight.
Fishfood (Poseidon): $8.2 million. This movie takes the bast part of Titanic and stretches it out to two hours in length. HOW CAN IT FAIL?

Not making it into the top five: Reeking Vagina (R.V.) Finally, this movie is dropping out of the top five, and I can stop trying to think of silly words to fit into the "R.V." template.

If I'm correct, I will go and protest The DaVinci Code with all of the KraZy Katholiks outside of my theater. And there will be pictures.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of May 12, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of May 5, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 28, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 21, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 14, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 7, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of March 31, 2006 (and the Results)

Friday, May 19, 2006

A Fond-ish Farewell

It's the end of Spring, and as such, it is time to say goodbye to some television shows. The big one, obviously, is this Monday's Alias. However, two ended last night, and I can't let them pass into the hereafter without giving them a mention. I'm talking about, of course, The Show That Used To Be Good But Stayed On Three Years Too Long and The Show That Was Always Shitty But Still Popular For Some Reason.

The Show That Used To Be Good But Stayed On Three Years Too Long

I haven't watched in years, but apparently Jackie (who was only dating Kelso when I left) also dated Hyde and Fez. And apparently Eric moved to Africa (that is SO JTT!) and dumped Donna in the process. I watched this finale last night, and it was really pretty awful. A standard mix of sappy finale-type resolution, clip show, reunions, and crappy jokes. They had a total, bullshit Ross-Rachel moment (Eric came home from Africa and he and Donna kissed). Just once, I'd like to see a realistic ending to a sitcom relationship (although "realistic sitcom" is kind of a contradiction of terms). While this finale sucked the donkey's balls, it's still nice to look back on the days when this was a successfully funny comedy about four dumbasses smoking pot.

Another show that fit into this category (but I missed the finale): Malcolm in the Middle

The Show That Was Always Shitty But Still Popular For Some Reason

I'll be honest: I've never watched more than two episodes of this show, and the finale certainly wasn't one of them. Still, I can tell you exactly what happened based on the two commercials I saw (which stated that the redhead was moving away to have babies). The redhead doesn't move away, but does have babies. The gay guy who acts straight lives with her forever. The annoying-as-fuck secretary says something snarky and downs a martini. The flamboyant sterotype walks around goosing everybody and taking the fight for gay rights back fifty years.

So there you have it. I can't say I'll miss you, television shows.

Unexpected Assessment of the Week

Saddam Hussein's Japanese translator has a few things to tell the world about our favorite doucheface.

"I think that Saddam Hussein was very much misunderstood," Hirata said, as translated by The Associated Press. "People think that he is tyrannical and rough with no education. But, if you read this book, you will understand how delicate and tender he really is."

The translator went on to say that Saddam was "mesquite and smoky" and "not chewy in the least." Upon follow-up questions, it was discovered that the translator thought Saddam Hussein was his steak from the Outback Steakhouse. When interviewers explained who Saddam was, the Japanese man called Hussein a douchebag and took another bite of his delicious face.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

MP3 of the Week

This week's track is "The Blues Are Still Blue" by Belle and Sebastian, from their latest album, The Life Pursuit.

Download the song here.

Buy the album here.

Enjoy.

Douche in a Helmet

I don't do sports. Maybe I look like less of a man for admitting that, but I couldn't tell you the difference between a baseball glove and an enormous, scaly reptile dick. Despite this, I do know one thing when I see it: a douchebag. This guy pretends to get hit by a pitch and then, when he gets called on it, goes on a tirade, acting like a complete jackass.