Saturday, April 05, 2008

THE END OF ROBOT HAND: The master of my own domain

I bit the financial bullet (and the time-consumption missile) and bought my own real-life web site! Who knows what will be on it? You do not! Neither do I! The web site is Ugly Food for an Ugly Dude. I figured, why not take a chunk of that sweet, sweet blog profit for myself?

I think there won't be any more Robot Hand and the clunky Blogger software. I've installed Wordpress on my server and it is spunky-swell at this point.

My new site will also function as my personal blog. Please join me on this magical, erotic adventure.

If you are a friend of the Robot Hand, I'd be more than happy to have guest-posts on my new website. Either way...

Please visit now!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

It was the best thing I ever done!

I was perusing my non-food blogroll, I stumbled across Hump Day Stories, which had a wonderful, food-relevant post this morning in regards to the late, apparently-great Williams Smoke House ribs.

I swear to God, [the rib] was so good that I dropped it and stared at it. My eyes were wide. I was looking at the rib like I just watched it punch my mother in the face, like I was angry at it for what it had done to me. In a sense, I was, but only because I equate pleasure with anger due to my damaged childhood. The bite of meat was already starting to melt in my mouth, the sauce mixing with fat and salt. Simply put, it was the most perfect bite of food I’ve ever taken.

I read this and just knew. Back in my younger, fatter, meat-eating days, I had one goal in life: to recreate my first Tony Luke's experience.

I must have been in middle school. We were just settling down to a warm winter's intolerable Philadelphia 76ers basketball game (intolerable not because of the fact that the Sixers were playing poorly, but because watching organized sports makes my eyeballs want to bleed).

With not much time before we had to hit the nosebleeds, we stopped by what looked like a rinky-dink shack under a bridge--Tony Luke's. My father and brother grabbed Philly cheesesteaks (or as "Philly cheesesteak" as my family gets, which is to say that they were simply beef and American cheese, topped with far more ketchup than any one bun can hold), and I opted for the Roast Pork with Sharp Provolone.

I'm not sure what did it for me. Was it my first-ever taste of sharp provolone cheese? Fresh, tender pork? A big old white bun full of fat? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I had my first-ever orgasm then and there. From that moment on, it was my goal to recreate that heavenly experience in my own kitchen.

Problem number one: I was thirteen years old, and without a source of income or outside food. Problem number two: we never had pork just plain-ol' lying around. I was stuck with Steakumms. The cheese situation was slightly--but barely--better. We usually had a block of extra-sharp cheddar cheese sitting in the refrigerator. It was close, but clearly not the same, I chopped up four-to-five Steakumms and melted upwards of a quarter pound of fatty, delicious cheese. They fried in their own fats and juices until the whole thing was one congealed patty of cheese and low-grade cowmeat.

Needless to say, I had no success in recreating that first Tony Luke's moment. In fact, the only success I had was in the weight-gain department. These experimental cheesesteaks brought me from a plump 260 pounds to a morbid 300, which in turn caused me to take control of my life and become an obsessive-compulsive, anorexic, vegetarian freak.

Thanks a lot, Tony Luke's.

So I would like to ask the readership (which is, at this point, nonexistent): what is the absolute best meal you've ever had? Did you have a transcendent experience like Geth over at Hump Day Stories? Do you find yourself "chasing the dragon" to relive a certain food-type experience that will never come?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

There is always room!

First thing's first--I am here to proclaim my love for sugar-free Jell-O. There is nothing like gorging yourself with a forty-calorie bowl of flavored horse goop, getting all of those empty calories you used to get (without all the guilt of seeing that "240%" next to "Sugar" in your daily Calorie Count analysis)! Replace the water with a can of sugar-free Amp and watch the world spin.

Second thing's second--beans, while neither musical nor a fruit, are probably pretty good for your heart. I've been rehydrating and chomping pinto-beans like there is no tomorrow (which there may not be, depending on how much artificial sweetener I suck down in the meantime). I would recommend beans for those who need fiber, vegetarian protein sources, or obscene butt noises!

For years, I've had a fascination with baking. Here are some cupcakes that I made the other day. They are Chocolate Cherry Dr. Pepper Cupcakes (click for recipe). My icing is a weird consistency, but they apparently tasted great. How would I know? I'm manorexic. I ate some butternut squash and left the thirty-five cupcakes to the professionals.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. In this case, I think the photograph probably screams "I want a damn cupcake!" two hundred times, until it finally reaches its thousand-word quota and falls asleep in a pile of its own goo.

And for those of you who dare to attempt the recipe, here is an approximate calorie count per cake.

Take note that there are 21 grams of sugar in each iced cupcake. This is the net weight of one human soul. Do with this information what you will.


Calories 347
Fat 9g
Sat Fat 5
Cholesterol 31mg
Sodium 108mg
Carbs 65g
Fiber 1g
Sugar 21g
Protein 2g

Vitamin A 4%
Calcium 2%
Iron 9%

Friday, February 29, 2008

Ugly food for an ugly dude

If you've been reading my silly blogs over the past few years, you'll know the following:

In April of 2005 I weighed 300 pounds. By November I had dropped to 170. I had done it in a completely unhealthy way.

As a result, I ate the same exact thing EVERY DAY from November 2005 to February 2008 to avoid depriving myself of nutrients and calories ever again.

But not anymore. Oh, heavens no! I'm trying to introduce healthy variety so I can be happy (or at least so that my brain doesn't explode).

Here's some pictures of weird (and normal) foods I've been eating.

Kashi GoLean/Wheaties combo
Whole Grain

Egg-white omelet w/ broccoli and Boca "meat"
Ugly food for an ugly dude!  Day 1
Ugly food for an ugly dude!  Day 1

Egg-white/chili powder omelet wrap (sealed w/ white-trash mustard) w/ dried asian pear
Ugly food for an ugly dude!  Day 2
Ugly food for an ugly dude!  Day 2

Panda-brand Licorice
Panda Licorice

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Icy weiner




Stay tuned--next update will include pictures of the BEST MCDONALD'S RESTAURANT YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Birthday for Danzo

Assorted photos from my brother's birthday.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


Save the office drama for your office mama.