Headline most likely to get you beaten the fuck up

CNN.com's Lou Dobbs has one simple request of the governator of California:

Be a Man, Schwarzenegger

It's about immigration or something. I don't know. I don't follow professional sports.

What I do know is this. Schwarzenegger is a man. Schwarzenegger is more man than CNN.com's Lou Dobbs. Schwarzenegger is more man than Internet beefcake Maddox. Schwarzenegger is more man even than rock-n'-roller Melissa Ethridge.

Here are some manly facts about Arnold Schwarzenegger you need to take into account.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger pours hydrochloric acid on his morning bowl of Cookie Crisp.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger shaves with sandpaper and wipes his ass with a bowie knife.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger cannot ejaculate unless he is lifting weights.
• "The greatest feeling you can get in a gym or the most satifying feeling you can get in the gym is the pump. Your muscles get a really tight feeling like your skin is going to explode any minute and its really tight and its like someone is blowing air into your muscle and it just blows up and it feels different, it feels fantastic. It's as satifying to me as cumming is, you know, as in having sex with a woman and cumming. So can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like getting the feeling of cumming in the gym, I'm getting the feeling of cumming at home, I'm getting the feeling of cumming backstage when I pump up when I pose out in front of 5000 people I get the same feeling, so I am cumming day and night. Its terrific, right? So I am in heaven."

By contrast, CNN.com's Lou Dobbs only ejaculates when he eats creme brulee and looks at pictures of poodle skirts.