Jack Bauer is still more man than you'll ever be

Most of us go through an entire lifetime without killing a single man. Most of us are pussies. But for every 6 billion of us walking, talking, singing vaginas, there is one Jack Bauer. The Edmonton Sun wants you to know that Jack Bauer eats pussies like us for breakfast.

• Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert) had to finally tell daddy Jack that she just didn't want to be around him anymore. "Every time I am, something horrible happens," she said. "People die." No kidding! Bauer is a killing machine. The death toll on Season 5 of 24 is closing in on 100 and the day still has seven hours to go. No one is safe, especially Bauer's buddies.

That's right. Jack Bauer has, as of April 10's episode (that's two episodes of killings ago), killed 85 people in one day. Here is my favorite one thus far.

• 11:56 a.m.: Jack visits Tony in his medical bed, spots a sniper in a monitor and stabs the dude in the throat with scissors. (Kill #18)

There's still five hours left. What wonderfully inventive means of murder will Jack Bauer utilize next? I have high hopes.

• Running down the Los Angeles streets, a renegade fruit vender pulls out an Uzi. Jack Bauer beats him to death mercilessly with a coconut.
• Trapped in an aquarium by a squad of President Logan's terrorists, Jack Bauer stabs them in faces with a swordfish.
  
• Through his use of the words "Damn it!" Jack Bauer causes seventy-three college students to drink themselves to death.