Wacky Weekend Wrap-Up on the World Wide Web (W)

Well, nobody wins a thong. Apparently the movie nobody has ever heard of--Stick It--managed to dupe massive numbers of people into watching it.

1. RV, $16.4 million (my pick: #1, $19.2 million)
2. United 93, $11.6 million (my pick: #2, $15.3 million)
3. Stick It, $11.3 million (my pick: #5, $8.3 million)
4. Silent Hill, $9.3 million (my pick: #3, $10.2 million)
5. Scary Movie 4, $7.8 million (my pick: #4, $9.1 million)

I was right-on about United 93. Everybody loves it. Do I smell a sequel?

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 28, 2006
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 21, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 14, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 7, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of March 31, 2006 (and the Results)

Bitter Irony of the Week

A man recently cleared of guilt and released from Death Row was hit by a truck and killed this week.

• "He always wanted to talk about his new life and what he would do once he got his clemency money," his attorney, Kathleen Zellner, said after learning of Young's death. "He wanted to know if I would help him get a red brick house. He certainly didn't deserve any of this."

Kind of makes you think the dude was safer in the clink. I bet you his family is pissed off at how hard they had fought to save him. At least he would have lived longer had he stayed in there.

I rank this the second most ironic way to die. The first is, of course, retiring from the police force and getting killed on your last day.

MENDOZA!

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 28, 2006

Another week with my nose to the grindstone, another week with my wang in a wheelbarrow.

If my picks are right this week (order-wise, not price-wise), one random comment-maker on this post will receive a thong of my choosing. And that's for serious.

1. Adventures of the Hairy-Assed Man (RV): 19.2 million. An oaf drags his family on an RV camping trip and gets lost in the woods. If somebody mistakes Robin Williams for bigfoot, The Simpsons can sue for plagiarism.
2. Snakes on a Plane (United 93): 15.3 million. Take one part historical catastrophe; add a liberal dash of schmaltzy, pandering fictionalization. The end result? The feel-good movie of the year.
3. HEY HILL! SHUT THE HELL UP! (Silent Hill): 10.2 million. Seriously, hill. Be quiet.
4. Shitty Movie 4 (Scary Movie 4): 9.1 million. Bill Pulman rose from the grave to participate in the filming of this movie.
5. Has Anyone Heard of This Movie? (Stick It): 8.3 million. I didn't hear about it until tonight, but it had quite a crowd for some reason. I think it's about lesbians or something. I don't really care.

Not Making the Top Five: Bad Idea for a Movie (Akeelah and the Bee). I HAVE A GREAT IDEA, MR. MOVIE EXECUTIVE: LET'S MAKE A FUNTIME FAMILY ROMP ABOUT A GIRL WHO GOES IN SOME SORT OF SPELLING BEE AND HAS TO DO SOME SPELLING TO WIN THE SPELLING BEE! WE NEED MORE MOVIES ABOUT SPELLING BEES! It could be worse, I suppose. It could be about the geography bee.

Only time will tell if somebody wins a thong tha-thong-thong-thong.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 21, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 14, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 7, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of March 31, 2006 (and the Results)

Mexico does its part to stop United States immigration

Immigration has been all over the news for the last week. I really have no opinion on any of it one way or another, as long as burritos are still made in This Great Nation of Ours. However, when I see grassroots efforts like this to halt emigration from Mexico, I sit up and take notice.

Mexico legalizes marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine, and heroin for personal use (CNN)

• Mexico's Congress on Friday approved a bill decriminalizing possession of small quantities of marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine and even heroin for personal use, prompting U.S. criticism that the measure could harm anti-drug efforts.

If there's one way to keep people in your country, it's to get them hooked on smack. Additionally, Mexico's population is expected to grow: Robert Downey Jr., Corey Feldman, and Charlie Sheen have already sold their mansions and packed their suitcases into U-Hauls.

Meanwhile, everybody Abercrombie sorority girl's Tijuana Spring Break just became a little more insane. The people at Girls Gone Wild are elated.

Neil Young is Still Good

Many artists fade into obscurity with age, but Neil Young is consistantly good. His last album, Prairie Wind (in which he contemplated his death) was amazing. In record time, Young is rolling out a new album (in protest of our Terrorist President) entitled "Living With War." Here now is a streaming version of that album. Support the artist. Enjoy the music.

Click here to hear the new album in its entirety.

(Thanks to Dad)

Funniest thing I've seen in a while

I have absolutely nothing to say that could make this any funnier than it actually is, so I'll just throw it at you.

This is a video of a student breaking into song in the middle of a college class. You can tell by the reactions of the students around him that this is entirely unplanned. I don't want to ruin it. Just watch it.

Click here if you missed the first link. For serious.

(via Best Week Ever)

"No Shit" News Post of the Week!

"Mom admits guilt in breastfeeding death" (CNN)

Wait, wait, wait...really? NO SHIT.

Hopefully the father, the uncle, and the hobo-down-the-street were exonerated.

Previous "No Shit" News Posts

April 8, 2006
April 20, 2006

MP3 of the Week

This week's MP3 comes from Morrissey's most recent album, Ringleader of the Tormentors. The song is entitled Life is a Pigsty, and it's your average, miserable Morrissey epic.

Click here to download the song. Keep in mind the song will only be up for a limited time.

Click here to buy the album and support the artist.

Wii shall overcome

Nintendo has changed the name of its new system from the standard-but-bitchin' name of Revolution to...Wii. Pronounced like "we." What?

• While the code-name "Revolution" expressed our direction, Wii represents the answer. Wii will break down that wall that separates video game players from everybody else. Wii will put people more in touch with their games ... and each other.

Well, that explains it, Nintendo. Thanks. Apparently it also has something to do with how the controller looks like two letter "i"'s. I don't know what that means. I'm not a geek.

Wiiners everywhere are looking forward to the dorky new system. Get it? Wiiners? Say it out loud. In fact, scream it.

That's right. I'm that hard-up for a joke. Of course, the whole topic is a joke in and of itself.

Finally, a reason to live

Coming this Summer...the Strangers With Candy movie!

Jack Bauer is still more man than you'll ever be

Most of us go through an entire lifetime without killing a single man. Most of us are pussies. But for every 6 billion of us walking, talking, singing vaginas, there is one Jack Bauer. The Edmonton Sun wants you to know that Jack Bauer eats pussies like us for breakfast.

• Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert) had to finally tell daddy Jack that she just didn't want to be around him anymore. "Every time I am, something horrible happens," she said. "People die." No kidding! Bauer is a killing machine. The death toll on Season 5 of 24 is closing in on 100 and the day still has seven hours to go. No one is safe, especially Bauer's buddies.

That's right. Jack Bauer has, as of April 10's episode (that's two episodes of killings ago), killed 85 people in one day. Here is my favorite one thus far.

• 11:56 a.m.: Jack visits Tony in his medical bed, spots a sniper in a monitor and stabs the dude in the throat with scissors. (Kill #18)

There's still five hours left. What wonderfully inventive means of murder will Jack Bauer utilize next? I have high hopes.

• Running down the Los Angeles streets, a renegade fruit vender pulls out an Uzi. Jack Bauer beats him to death mercilessly with a coconut.
• Trapped in an aquarium by a squad of President Logan's terrorists, Jack Bauer stabs them in faces with a swordfish.
  
• Through his use of the words "Damn it!" Jack Bauer causes seventy-three college students to drink themselves to death.
  

Judge gets a little too comfortable with his job

The judge behind the recent Da Vinci Code trial apparently hid a secret code of his own inside of his decision. He calls it...The Smithy Code.

• Smith was arguably the highlight of the trial, with his sharp questions and witty observations making the sometimes dry testimony more lively. Though Smith on Wednesday refused to discuss the judgment or acknowledge outright that he'd inserted a secret code in its pages he said: "They don't look like typos, do they?"

Don't judges have better things to do? You know...like judging things?

Here are my best guesses as to the solution of...The Smithy Code.

• You paid me your tax dollars to make up a code, something that so many third-graders-building-clubhouses would have done for free.
• Sony Pictures paid me a lot of money to build up hype for their brand new Da Vinci Code movie starring Tom Hanks and opening in theaters near you on May 19!!!!!
• HARD ERECT PENIS WEINER BOOBS CRAP BOOBIES.

I have high hopes that the last one wins out.

Hey hey hump day

Here's a few things to get you over the hump.

• Progressive Boink updated today with "18 or 19 Movie Monologues We Think are Really Neat"

• My favorite part is right after he tells Butch about how his father died and that he had to take up the burden of hiding the watch he pauses for a split-second just to remind him that the watch was in fact up HIS ass as well, before continuing his tale. It's implied already, sure, but if I wore a watch up my ass for years on end I'd like the kid to whom I'm delivering it to know what he's touching as well.
  

Any list that makes reference to the crowning moment of Samuel L. Jackson's long, distinguished career (his final scene in Deep Blue Sea) is okay by me. It even makes me overlook their disparaging remarks about Jack Bauer in that same section.

• It's Wednesday, and that means Wednesday One-Liners at the hilarious Overheard in New York site.
  
  
• Hipster chick: I am so glad my ex-boyfriend and I have become friends again. I mean, I know he sued me and everything, but it just feels so good.

• Go here to make your own cartoons. When I get some free time, I'll probably post one today.

Enjoy the hump, and remember that there are all new episodes of Alias, The Amazing Race, and South Park tonight (as well as a recap episode of Lost).

Kevin Costner is kind of gross

Film-star-for-some-reason Kevin Costner has always been kind of gross. But now he's also a devient pervert.

• A former spa worker on Tuesday claimed the actor exposed himself and carried out a sex act as she gave him a massage at the Old Course Hotel in Fife, Scotland, in October 2004, papers filed with the tribunal said.

Now I've seen Kevin Costner at work, and I'm reasonably certain that this was the MOST BORING SEX ACT OF ALL TIME. It probably was about an hour too long. And about baseball. And had a Bryan Adams song at the end.

What a Relief

Scientists have finally done it: Gas-free beans are the future.

• "Legumes, and particularly [black beans], are an important source of nutrients, especially in developing countries," Granito's team wrote in the report. "In spite of being part of the staple diets of these populations, their consumption is limited by the flatulence they produce."

Sorry, scientist. I'm pretty sure that if you're in a third-world bean-nation and you can only survive by eating handfuls of tasty beans, propellant ass-stench is the least of your worries. You eat. You eat and you eat more and more beans until eventually your farts are powerful enough to rocket you to America the Beautiful, Home of the Free and Land of the Brave, Always Remember and Never Forget. And when you get there, your malnourishment will be thought of as beautiful, and you'll live a long and fruitful life until you die at 35, overdosing on cocaine snorted from Kate Moss's navel.

But really, scientist, thanks. One could only imagine what would have happened if you'd put this much effort into inventing a Springsteen-free world.

Unfortunate News of the Week

Bruce Springsteen escapes from the box (CNN)

And after all the hard work people-with-good-taste exerted to put him in there...

• There were no rehearsals, no arrangements, no overdubs. Springsteen wasn't even sure if the results would become an album. "It was just playing music," Springsteen said of the sessions. "I didn't have any intention for it. I knew that I enjoyed making this kind of music. ... It was really just purely for the joy of doing it. It was a lot of fun."

At least somebody is having fun. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, it did become an album, and the most famous constipation-rocker of all time is once again loosed upon our society. For a month. And then he'll fade back into obscurity until he releases another shitty album.

Fuck-You-Oh-Kah?

According to CNN, the city of Fukuoka in Japan is tossing its hat in the ring to host the 2016 Olympics.

• "Fukuoka is a city with everything one-tenth the size of the capital Tokyo," said the 74-year-old post-modern architect, whose works inclde the gymnasium for the 1992 Barcelona Games and the ice-hockey arena for the 2006 Turin Winter Olympics.

Everything is one tenth the size of Tokyo? So the buildings are miniscule and the people are wee? I think they have a place like that on Main St. USA at Disney World.

Meanwhile, the city of Me giggles every time it tries to pronounce Fukuoka. GO FUKUOKA GO!

If you don't let me be the thimble, I'll shoot your face off.

They had Muppets Monopoly. They had sixteen different versions of Star Wars Monopoly. They even had an Australia Football League Monopoly (and that ain't no baloney). For a full list, check here. After they've covered the fringe sports of every backwater burg and cockamamie country, you would think there's no new ground left to cover.

You would be right.

But that's not going to stop Parker Brothers from releasing yet another version of Monopoly consisting entirely of seemingly unrelated properties. Called the "Here and Now" edition, it will consist of American landmarks voted in by consumers and board game enthusiasts worldwide, a stark contrast to the Atlantic-City theme of the original (or the Middle-Earth theme of the Lord of the Rings version).

• Game lovers are being asked what favorite street or landmark they'd like to see on an updated version of the classic board game. They can choose locations picked from 22 U.S. cities from Boston to Honolulu.

Typically I wouldn't give a hoot (don't pollute). However, there is an omission so devious that it should be outlawed by the international Jewish banking conspiracy.

Please, please, please...write to the fine folks at Parker Brothers and request that 21 Jump Street be made an official property on the Monopoly board.
It is time for the weight of the Robot Hand to be felt smashing down upon the sexual organs of this world's mere mortals. It is time for Johnny Depp to be recognized for what he is: dreamy.

I lost my shirt in Atlantic City!

So why am I so damn excited about it? Because it's time for a little Monday linkdump!

1. Matt at X-Entertainment posted up an article about his childhood memories walking down the boardwalk at Atlantic City. I've said it before--the guy could write about paint drying on a log and make it interesting, and this article is yet another testament to his skills as a writer and my skills as a suck-up.
   
   
   • You must remember one thing: Atlantic City isn't just a visitor's town. People live there. Poor people. People who buy bags of Ralph's Chez Bawls on the boardwalk to eat, and not just because there's a wacky picture of a cowboy roping a hunk of cheddar on the package. Within this, the stores are stuffed not only with tourist bric-a-brac (fuzzy dice and playing cards), but with everyday items for the city's citizens (Rocky & Bullwinkle brand douche and Afro-Nova Hair Defrizzy Fo' Shizzy).
     
     
2. Mystie at Crown Combo has posted an article about what may have been the greatest cookies in the world: Keebler Magic Middles (also known as THOSE AWESOEMMM COOKIES THAT HAD TONS OF CHOCOLATE ICING BAKED INTO THE FREAKING MIDDLE!!!1...well, known that way to me at least).
   
   
   • Maybe the magic wore out. Maybe the fudge wells ran dry. Keebler was the sole producer of any cookie like this, and no one has attempted to take over the reigns. I will forever long the sandy tickle of cookie crumbs as my hands dip into a fresh box of Mini Middles. Ne'er shall I split a cookie apart and find a chocolate surprise inside. My only chance is that someone has the balls to figure out how to remake them. Could that someone.... be me
     
     
3. Finally, I-Mockery has a review of the McDonald's McFlurry Maker. I remember the simple days when there was only the Snoopy Sno-Cone maker, and everybody walked to school thirteen miles in the snow going uphill both ways fighting zombies and serial rapists with their gatling guns and then the terrorists came and threw water baloons so they had to retaliate and so they all had a dance contest. Those simple days have passed, and so the good lord Hephestus has seen fit to unleash a horde of do-it-yourself food kits, ranging from cotton candy to macaroni and cheese, from Slurpees to Marshmallow Peeps (amen). Anyway, click on through to read about the goodness.
   
   
   • Now it was time to make the ice cry like a slug by pouring salt all over it. This supposedly makes it easier to turn the crank handle, but I think they had us pour salt on the ice so that the roads would be clear by morning and then we'd all have to go to school instead of getting another snow day where we could all go sledding down the hill and laugh with glee and not let little Ricky join in the fun because he smells kinda funny and he stole my juice box the other week anyway and even when I told on him in class the teacher gave ME detention and he got off scot free! Well look who's laughing now Ricky, you sledless little fuck! LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!!! AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Look who's laughing now indeed! I hope these articles will get you over that nasty Monday hump--the sore spot that makes you want to die, located between your Lucky Charms breakfast and your latest "24"-induced drinking binge.

Fool me once? Shame on you.

Fool me twice? Shame on you again, you son of a bitch.

Somehow, The Wild held on to a spot in the top five. Meanwhile, HOW THE HELL DID SILENT HILL WIN THE GOLD NUGGETS?

1. Silent Hill, $20.2 million (my pick: #3, $14.6 million)
2. Scary Movie 4, $17 million (my pick: #1, $25.2 million)
3. The Sentinel, $14.7 million (my pick: #2, $17.3 million)
4. Ice Age 2, $12.8 million (my pick: #5, $12.3 million)
5. The Wild, $8.1 million (my pick: I DID NOT PICK IT BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS SHIT!!!)

So I didn't win the year's supply of condoms, which is okay because I am too unpopular to have the sex anyway.

More joyous Box Office next week. Here is some previous B.O.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 21, 2006
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 14, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 7, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of March 31, 2006 (and the Results)

This just in

Comcast reports:

Osama Bin Laden accuses U.S.A. of "Zionist" War.

In response, George W. Bush accuses Bin Laden of making up words.

Get it? Because Bush is stupid?

I'm just glad we're on the same page.

Here. Have a present.

It's not really a present, as it does nothing for you. But anybody who enjoys this site: please link to it on your own sites.

You can use this button!



Furthermore, you can just copy and paste this code into your HTML!

<a href="http://robothand.blogspot.com"><img src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2768/1786/320/robotbutton.jpg"></a>

Put it on your Livejournal. Put it on your Blogger. Put it on your tricorner hat. I don't care. Just put it. PUT IT!

DID YOU KNOW??!?!?!?!?!

You may have heard the news: Toothpaste for Dinner (from the makers of Married to the Sea and...uh...Spaceballs) is a funny damn comic. But DID YOU KNOW that the site's creator also has a hilarious blog? It's true! And it's especially hilarious, for some reason, when the dude talks about Wendy's old-timey salad bars of yore.

• They cut off the Superbar at one point, when the amount that Americans ate actually overtook the incredibly low price of the ingredients at the Superbar. If food costs twelve cents a pound, you have to be eating a lot of food to run Wendy's out of the Superbar business. But it happened. Dudes, just regular dudes, would roll in and suddenly think, "Oh my GOD if I can eat about three pounds of food this will be SO CHEAP and 84 OUNCES OF SODA OH HELL YES." Congratulations, America, you finally beat the system. You just got so hellbent on savin' money in the most physically harmful way possible that you destroyed the integrity of the Superbar.

Uh...click here for his blog and daily comics.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 21, 2006

I saw The Sentinel and it didn't have nearly as much Jack Bauer action as I would have liked (and a little too much slimy Michael Douglas action). Still, it'll probably do well enough.

1. Leslie Nielson's Only Reason to Live (Scary Movie 4): 25.2 million. Actually, Leslie Nielson's other reason to live is heroin.
2. Jack Bauer Jack Bauer Jack Bauer (The Sentinel): 17.3 million. Starring Jack Bauer playing Jack Bauer in a very Jack Bauer way Jack Bauer Jack Bauer.
3. Silly Video Game Made Into Silly Movie (Silent Hill): 14.6 million. Why even try to top the Super Mario Bros. movie?
4. Hugh Grant is Foppish: The Movie (American Dreamz): 14.2 million. Ask me about my idea for Mickey Blue Eyes 2. For serious.
5. EVERYBODY FREEZE! (Ice Age 2): 12.3 million. As long as this stays in the top five, it's going to get cheesy Mr. Freeze quotes.

Not making the top five: Space Jam (Space Jam). Because it was in theaters about ten years ago.

If I get them right this week, I get a year's supply of condoms and a vat of mayonnaise. Make of it what you will.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 14, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 7, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of March 31, 2006 (and the Results)

Turn off American Idol. Watch good television.

With the impending demise of Alias bearing down upon us, it's good to hear that other low-rated shows are being given a chance to shine. TVGuide.com's Michael Ausiello reports...

• Although an NBC rep insists it's not true, rumors are rampant that the Peacock net has — wait for it — renewed Scrubs for a sixth season! I don't care if NBC isn't confirming, I'm celebrating anyway. Who wants a big wet kiss? (Line forms outside my office.)

I sure don't want a big, wet kiss, Michael Ausiello! Still, Scrubs is great. If you can't appreciate John McGinley's performance as Dr. Cox, you are a bastard cockmaster.

I hope the doctor was well-compensated for his time...

CNN.com (who else?) reports the following:

Doc's diagnosis: Nail gun caused headache

Yes, that's right. Apparently, shooting twelve nails into your own skull in a suicide attempt will give you one hell of a migraine. My question: why did the dude go to the emergency room complaining of a headache? Take some aspirin and that shit goes away like woah.

Yes, I said "like woah." But I didn't mean it, baby. I swear.

Anyway, the doctor helped the guy out with a few other minor ailments.

• The "arthritis pains" in the man's knuckles were actually caused by the 170lb. dumbbell the man used to smash his fingers.
• The man's case of chronic halitosis (or bad breath to the layman) was actually due to the French Onion soup he had for lunch.
• The sharp pain in the man's back--originally hypothesized to be kidney stones--was actually caused by a seventeenth-century broadsword wound.

Tom Hanks is retarded.

Unlike my assessment of Angelina Jolie, I have no real reason to believe that Tom Hanks is retarded. But look at this picture and tell me Tom Hanks isn't retarded. It's not just the goofy DaVinci Code hair. It's the whole package.

Angelina Jolie is retarded.

Angelina Jolie is apparently buying a miniature island version of the country of Ethiopia, one of many islands being shaped by Richard Branson to form a fake world.

• A source said: "Angelina has been obsessed with Ethiopia ever since she adopted her second child Zahara from there. Her friends are very jealous of her purchase."

You're shitting me, right? Her friends are all "very jealous" of her own private Ethiopia? Do they realize she bought a smaller version of an malnourished, AIDS-ridden trash-hole? Besides, I'm pretty sure you can buy the REAL Ethiopia for six bucks and a used tube of chapstick.

It is cute though that Angelina is "obsessed with" this impoverished nation in the same way that I am obsessed with Jena Malone and Marshmallow Peeps. I suppose we all have our passing fancies.

(link via BestWeekEver)

We're gonna bone.

I don't know who this is or who he's talking about, but in the end it doesn't even matter. It's hilarious, and this guy is SO VERY HORNY. Just watch the video (unless you're at work, in which case...uh...watch later).

He wants you now

"No Shit!" news post of the week.

CNN: "It's official: Distracted drivers are dangerous"

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Almost there...

Wait for it...

NO SHIT.

Other things that are now officially official according to official studies:

• It's official: Food now the leading cause of pooping.
• It's official: Football deemed more violent than speedwalking.
• It's official: France has world's highest percentage of Frenchmen.

Officially, here's the official last "No Shit!" news post. Officially.

MP3 of the Week

In the spirit of the Elliott Smith documentary posted today, here is Elliott Smith performing The Beatles' "I'm Only Sleeping" live as an audience sing-along.

Elliott Smith: I'm Only Sleeping (Live)

A word of warning: Apparently the links go down after a certain number of days or downloads, so act quickly if you'd like to hear it.

I'm not going to post the lyrics because it's a Beatles song, and for shame if you don't already know them!

Surprise! Bob Dylan is probably stoned.

Bob Dylan is launching his XM radio show in a few weeks, and the theme of the first episode? Weather. I shit you not. Way to start off strong out of the gates there, Bob.

• According to XM, future shows will be devoted to such themes as "dance," "police," "cars" and "whiskey."

I've heard that Dylan will discuss the following in the coming months.

• Ponies
• Oranges
• Quadrilaterals
• OMG WOW LOL!!!!!11 Look at the colors!
• Contact Lenses
• Fish Sandwiches
• Seriously though, look at my hand! It's like...moving!
  
• The word "Buckaroo"
• Favorite cheeses

Poor Julia Roberts

Apparently critics and audiences did not cotton well to Julia Roberts' Broadway debut. WOE IS ME!

• "Your heart goes out to her when she makes her entrance in the first act and freezes with the unyielding stiffness of an industrial lamppost, as if to move too much might invite falling," wrote The New York Times' Ben Brantley, a self-described "Juliaholic."

Other common complaints included "Her mouth looked like a horse's mouth" and "I swear to the good god if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her myself!"

Click on the picture for a secret message from Julia's enormous mouth.

Everybody knows.

After years of "Chaotic" with Britney Spears and her fungus of a husband (and "The Newlyweds" with Nick Lache and Tits McGee), it's good to--you know--see the lives of actual, good musicians chronicled on film. The trend started with "No Direction Home," Martin Scorcese's film about Bob Dylan. Recently released was "Heart of Gold," a film documenting Neil Young's homecoming concert after life-threatening illness.

Now, Leonard Cohen gets the star treatment. Click here for the trailer to "I'm Your Man," released in June from Lion's Gate.

If you have some free time, here is the Elliott Smith short documentary film that gave this site its title. Enjoy.

Pee Pee Jokes

Married To the Sea updates every day, but today was especially wonderful. Can't see what the dude's conscience is saying to him about the urine sample? Click through to find out, and read their archives for more delight.

Speaking of comics and delight, SickAnimation.com posted up a good one today. Click here.

My Blog Is Poop is not poop

Bob from BestWeekEver also has a personal blog called "My Blog Is Poop," and it's full of excellent mumbo-jumbo and tomfoolery, as well as some other stuff that is neither mumbo nor jumbo.

Yesterday he posted about "Pesonal 9/11s." What is a Personal 9/11, you might ask?

• Right now you may be wondering what a personal 9/11 is. Maybe. However, if you've experienced one, you know. Everybody who's ever been in love... or more specifically, everybody who's ever loved and lost... has been through a personal 9/11. It's the moment when everything changes forever. The moment that there's no coming back from. The moment where you lose faith, you're hit hard and you're reeling. Wondering how you got to that point and what could possibly come next. It's the worst feeling in the world. Well, it's one of them.

He goes on to relate this to a personal experience with a woman--finding "the one" and spilling your guts out to her after the breakup--however I think a Personal 9/11 doesn't necessarily have to be about love. 9/11 was a moment when all of our preconceived notions about safety and security disappeared, so any particular bubble that bursts would be, I'd imagine, a personal 9/11. I'd share mine, but I don't put personal stuff online anymore. I just wanted to link to Poop's awesome post and maybe give the reader something to think about. Back to Robot Hand is the Future's regularly scheduled douchery.

Just a reminder

For those of you who are interested in spy intrigue, creative television scripting, or women with broad man-shoulders, Alias returns tonight with a two-hour episode at 8:00 on ABC.

For those of you who are interested in sado-masochistic donkey sex...try Tijuana.

Prepare your million-year-old martinis

Scientists have discovered a million-year-old ice cube according to CNN, presumably from a million-year-old ice cube tray.

• Researchers, showing off the cylindrical samples of what they said was the oldest ice ever to be retrieved, said studying air trapped inside "core" samples taken from various depths under ground could also help predict how the Earth's weather patterns will change in the future.

Screw that crap. I know all about the Earth's weather patterns because I saw The Day After Tomorrow. Evacuate to Mexico, because we're about to get eaten by wolves.

You know, I've made four posts today and every one has been sourced from CNN. They must have had some interesting stuff up today. You might as well just bookmark them.

Although if you're looking for Boy George jokes and portraits of the Queen, you've come to the right place.

Another headline about Boy George?

'World's unsexiest man' named (CNN)

But honestly, the title goes to comedian and talking parrot Gilbert Gottfried.

• "The parrot-voiced, pickle-faced comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman," The Boston Phoenix wrote.

Apparently Gilbert Gottfried is less sexy than Osama Bin Laden, who made the list at number 8. Other people who are apparently sexier than Gilbert Gottfried:

Headline most likely to be about Boy George

Nutty: 43-year-old fruitcake found in attic (CNN)

Headline second-most likely to be about Boy George: Queen's Birthday Portrait unveiled

But for serious now, let's see what the article is actually about...

Oh...It's really about a holiday fruitcake.

That's...boring...

Sorry to get everybody's hopes up. Here is a collection of flamboyant pictures (click through to the Post Page for more).




But I want to be gay president!

God save the queen!

CNN announces the commissioning of a new portrait for the Queen of England's 80th birthday.

Wow. Eighty years old and she still knows how to turn a guy on, what with her enormous bonnets and conservative pink pantsuits. Oh Queen of England, you are my muse. I, too, want to paint you.

I am especially proud of the color coordination and the lizard hands.

Happy birthday, you useless old bat.

While visions of Mallrats danced in their heads...

The Smoking Gun reports of an Easter Bunny beating last week. Unlike Mallrats (in which the costumed creation gets the snot beaten out of it), this time the Bunny was the accoster.

• [T]he two women began to argue. That's when Frechette (who's married to McClure) allegedly punched Johansson in the face. At that point, the report notes, the 280-pound McClure removed his costume's head and joined the fray, clocking Johansson in the back of her head. McClure and Frechette, pictured below in Lee County Sheriff's Office mug shots, were each charged with two misdemeanors for their alleged roles in the brawl. McClure's occupation is listed as "Easter Bunny" on the arrest report, which also notes that he has a bear head tattooed on his right arm.

I'm pretty sure that I discovered the "truth" about the Easter Bunny while reading the chapter in Superfudge called "Santa Who?". I can't imagine many better ways to discover the truth than this though. Maybe...

• Santa Claus rubbing hot butter all over his naked body in the middle of Times Square.
• The Tooth Fairy with "her" skirt around "her" ankles, pissing on a wall downtown.

(via Best Week Ever)

From the "Where do I get one?" department...

CNN reports about a man who had a device that turned all stoplights in his town green.

• The device, called an Opticon, is similar to what firefighters use to change lights when they respond to emergencies. It emits an infrared pulse that receivers on the traffic lights pick up.

I always dreamed of something like this gadget. Once I get an Opticon, I'm merely a Homework Machine and a Robot Wife away from my ideal life.

The Happiest Holiday of All

In what will most assuredly be my final Peeps post (at least until this summer's Fourth of July Peeps pop up), I would like to remind everybody of today, the happiest holiday of all:

Peeps Clearance Day.

Easter is over. All the stores are hocking their Easter goods at ultra-clearance rates. Today is the day to stock up on marshmallows covered in sand and all related goodies.

K-Mart is 50% off. Target is at "50% or more off." If you live in the Central Pennsylvania region, Giant is the same (and Weis is at a pathetic $0.10 off. Lame.).

Fill up your Peeps boats. And post your haul on the official Peeps message board. Or don't. I don't care. Peeps.

P.S. THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST PEEPS SITES KNOWN TO MANKIND!

The odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 745 to 1!

Apparently the odds of guessing the weekend box office are far worse. My top five were all correct, but they were in a Jumble--just like the puzzle of the very same name. I'll take solace in the fact that my random monetary grosses matched up pretty well with both Benchwarmers and Take the Lead.

1. Scary Movie 4, $41 million (my pick: #3, $13.3 million)
2. Ice Age 2, $20 million (my pick: #2, $13.4)
3. The Benchwarmers, $10 million (my pick: #4, $10.2 million
4. The Wild, $9.6 million (my pick: #1, $19.3 million)
5. Take the Lead, $6.7 million (my pick: #5, $7.3 million)

I was so close to winning that Ovaltine Decoder ring this week, too. Looks like somebody else is going to have to find the secret message on the radio. I'm just going to play with the old man's leg-lamp.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 14, 2006
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 7, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of March 31, 2006 (and the Results)

Chuck E Cheese ain't got nothin' on this...

I know I said I was done for the day, but Mystie updated and finished her Peeps countdown with...a Peeperoni Peepza party!


Nothing silly to say. Just click and go there for more.

That's an assload of Peeps

My Peeps and I wish you a happy Easter. Updates will return on Monday. In the meantime, download a track from Jesus Christ Superstar.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 14, 2006

It's either the weather or the holiday, but the movies were dead tonight. Here are my best guesses at weekend grosses judging by the dismal performance of my own theater.

1. I Hated This Movie When It Was Called Madagascar (The Wild): 19.3 million. At least Madagascar had David Schwimmer.
2. That other movie with animals (Ice Age 2): 13.4 million. Ray Romano is no Schwimmer either.
3. Running a dumb idea into the ground (Scary Movie 4): $13.3 million. I bet somebody in this movie gets hit in the crotch.
4. David Spade is still alive? (The Benchwarmers): $10.2 million. He's getting fat off of his royalty checks for Racing Stripes, I'm sure.
5. Dancing with the Mexican (Take the Lead): $7.3 million. I can't really think of a joke, so I'll just keep going with the Mexican theme. Nachos nachos taquitos nachos.

Not making the top five: Lucky Number Flive. Because Flive is also not a number.

If I get them all right, somebody will send me an Ovaltine decoder ring. And then...THE WORLD!

And if you wondered why there was a picture of a poorly costumed Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man...I don't really know either.

Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of April 7, 2006 (and the Results)
Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of March 31, 2006 (and the Results)

Gave birth to six massive turds

CNN (once again) reports that a woman is being charged with making up sextuplets in order to scam money out of charitably-minded individuals.

• Sarah Everson told The Associated Press that she had lied about her pregnancy even to her husband. She said he believed for months that she was pregnant, and police said she told them she went so far as to gain 40 pounds to further the ruse.

Everson continued to fool her husband, even keeping him in the dark after the supposed "birth" of the babies. In fact, he was not even aware of the elaborate ruse until the "children's" first birthday party, when the neighbors dropped the bombshell: them's ain't children, Chuck.

When asked for comment, the husband said that he always thought it was strange when his wife tied the children to a sled for journeys across the tundra.

Em eye see kay eee why?

The dude over at ReviewTheWorld chimed in yesterday with an epic review of Walt Disney World's very own MGM Studios. If anybody has ever been there, you know it is bitchin'. The Tower of Terror alone is worth the $7500 admission price. So click here for his review.

• [There] is a short video clip showing one of the driving sequences. Unfortunately, this is one of the lamer parts, but during the awesome ones I was too busy shitting my pants with the other thousand yokels.

Funny writing and a dose of nostalgia for anyone who's been there...I want to go on motherfreakin' Star Tours.

David Blaine is dumb

David Blaine is going to spend seven days underwater.

• The 33-year-old magician will perform his latest stunt by living underwater for seven days and nights in a "human aquarium" in front of New York's Lincoln Center. He will conclude by attempting to hold his breath underwater longer than the record of 8 minutes, 58 seconds. He will receive liquid nutrition through a tube and the water will be kept at a balanced temperature to help keep his core temperature close to 98.6 degrees F.

I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but I'm pretty sure that Jack Bauer held his breath for about 35 minutes during the 7pm-8pm hour of "24" this season.

And is it as boring to everybody else that he is doing this? I mean, the dude is getting food and air among other amenities. I could do that. In fact, it sounds downright comfortable. What I really want to see is Blaine living underwater without oxygen and food. That's magic. That's real talent. Either that or I want him sleeping with the fishes.

WELCOME TO PENISLAND!

If you want to take a trip to Penisland, click right here.

• Welcome to Pen Island, the best place to get custom made pens on the internet!
  
  We understand that some people don't have the time to design their own pens, and for those people we offer our pre-designed line of pens. Whether you're looking for a long and skinny pen, a thick pen, a fountain pen that squirts ink, or even a black pen, we have just the one for you.
  

I really, really, really want to get a pen from Penisland.

I guess the site is uninteresting otherwise. Move along.

Jesus and Bono, together at last

In spite of his god-complex, U2's Bono has never been directly associated with religion...until today.

According to CNN, a Rhode Island church is literally blasting U2's music in an effort to tempt teenaged potential parishioners to join the fold.

• Ushers handed out earplugs and fluorescent glow sticks for the "U2 Eucharist," a communion service punctuated by the Irish rock band's music. Episcopal parishes from California to Maine have hosted similar events, weaving U2's tunes -- laced with biblical references -- into the liturgy. Streamers flew over worshippers' heads at the recent gathering in Providence. Children danced by the altar. Plasma-screen TVs illuminated the gothic sanctuary. Some people sang and clapped, while a few looked puzzled.

What's so puzzling about that?

While America's youth are worshipping to the peppy dance beats of the ultra-religious "Discotheque" ("You know you're chewing bubble gum/You know what that is but you still want some/You just can't get enough of that lovey-dovey stuff"), other bands have decided to get into the action.

• Reaching the urban audience, Tupac Shakur (who knows a thing or two about resurrection himself) spreads the word of the lord with his "Only God Can Judge Me" ("Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back/I couldn't trust my own homies--just a bunch a dirty rats/Will I, succeed, paranoid from the weed/And hocus pocus try to focus but I can't see")
• The Sex Pistols have reunited to perform "God Save The Queen"...for the Pope and a number of smelly punks and jaded Gen-Xers.

Any other godly bands I missed?

MP3 of the Week: Better Late Than Never

I've been enjoying good food with good company. I know it's late. Therefore, I'm making this brief.

Teenage Fanclub: Did I Say?

Amazing drum part. Buy the album here.

Thank god it's finally happened

The Spice Girls may very well reunite!

• “She really would like this to reunite them. Contrary to what a lot of people think, Geri looks back on her days in the band, especially before they were famous, as a really wonderful period on her life. She loved the camaraderie of having all her girlfriends around her and would like to feel that positive female spirit once the child is born.”

And honestly, hasn't it been too long since we've heard the word "zig-a-zig-ah!" in everyday conversation?

Now bring back the Macarena and POGs and we have ourselves a decade.

With which Spice Girl did you most want to have sex? I think I dug Baby Spice when I was in seventh grade, but I'm jonesing for a little Posh with a side of Scary these days.

(link via Best Week Ever)

No better place to lay, I suppose

CNN.com, my own personal Jesus Jones, ejaculated the following headline today.

Corpse lay next to TV for 3 years

• The skeleton of a British woman has been discovered in her apartment nearly three years after she is believed to have died. The woman, named as Joyce Vincent, was found lying on her back surrounded by unopened Christmas presents and the television and heating were still on, the UK's Press Association reported Thursday.

Bitch probably just wanted to catch up on reruns of M*A*S*H.