What a Relief

Scientists have finally done it: Gas-free beans are the future.

• "Legumes, and particularly [black beans], are an important source of nutrients, especially in developing countries," Granito's team wrote in the report. "In spite of being part of the staple diets of these populations, their consumption is limited by the flatulence they produce."

Sorry, scientist. I'm pretty sure that if you're in a third-world bean-nation and you can only survive by eating handfuls of tasty beans, propellant ass-stench is the least of your worries. You eat. You eat and you eat more and more beans until eventually your farts are powerful enough to rocket you to America the Beautiful, Home of the Free and Land of the Brave, Always Remember and Never Forget. And when you get there, your malnourishment will be thought of as beautiful, and you'll live a long and fruitful life until you die at 35, overdosing on cocaine snorted from Kate Moss's navel.

But really, scientist, thanks. One could only imagine what would have happened if you'd put this much effort into inventing a Springsteen-free world.