Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of June 9, 2006

For one very special week, the film companies have targeted that ever-sought-after "Boys aged 3-5" demographic. They made a movie about racecars that go vroom vroom, as well as a horror remake that nobody with the mental capacity of an adult would see or enjoy. The only thing missing were construction sites and professional wrestline (and our good friend Jack Black has the latter covered next Friday with Nacho Libre, of course). That's why this week's winner is...


...early '90s television mainstay Miko Hughes. Of course, he's probably aged since then. BUT WHERE IS THE PROOF? I'll tell you where the proof is. The proof is in the pudding, and all we have is friggin' tapioca.

1. Hicks love... (Cars): $78.2 million. I'm wrongly predicting a "disappointing" opening for Cars. The previews looked dumb and I'm not a car guy. You don't really see a lot of movies featuring inanimate objects--with the exception of The Brave Little Toaster, animated movies seem to focus on living things ("Over the Hedge") or items at least resembling living things ("Toy Story"). Anyway, $78.2 million is not really disappointing considering that not a single one of us that reads Robot Hand Is The Future will ever see that much money in our pathetic lives. Instead, we will spend the rest of our collective, miserable existence on the streets, finding sustinence only in the semen from the tricks we turn. In a roundabout way, I guess what I'm trying to say is that Cars will be number one this weekend.
   
2. Sweaty goths love... (The Omen): $24.6 million. It would make more and all, but the target demographic isn't exactly old enough to buy tickets for it.
   
3. Vince Vaughn loves... (The Breakup):$14.2 million. I long for the days when Jennifer Aniston wasn't a crashing bore. The world is full of 'em.
   
4. Nerds love... (X3):$13.7 million. By this time next week, I will have seen the movie. Then I'll be able to stop complaining about the people that ruined countless major plot points (and I'll be able to start complaining about the overall quality of the film and the overall shittiness of the director).
   
5. Nobody loves... (Over the Hedge):$6 million. Over the Hedge is hanging on for one reason and one reason only: somewhere, crappy Cars is going to sell out, and in lieu of spending time with their children...Over the Hedge it is.
   

Not making the top five this week: Crossing the Bridge: The Sound of Istanbul. Because it only opened on like three screens. Hey, they can't all be winners. I used up all of my creativity finding a picture of Miko Hughes on Google.

This post is in no way endorsed by Miko Hughes, nor his characters from Full House or Kindergarten Cop. Thank you.

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