Busting the Hump

Wednesday, and I have the day off to ruminate on things of varying importance. Also, I've been spending a lot of time dicking around on the Progressive Boink forums, my new favorite place in the world that isn't made of ice cream.

Anyway, some suckaz be at work when they coulds be bustin' a nut. This Bud's for you.

• Matt from X-Entertainment has UPDATED WITH A NEW ARTICLE ABOUT WALT DISNEY WORLD. Somehow, a little spooge just came out when I typed that. Star Tours is one of the fifteen new AWESOME THINGS ABOUT WALT DISNEY WORLD. I need a tissue.
  
  
• For one, the outdoor and waiting areas are a full replication of the Disneyland original, which is to say, there's an almost life-sized AT-AT and Ewok Village right in the middle of MGM. TREMENDOUS. As Star Wars music blares through the speakers, you're free to roam about under the Ewok Village, which is themed to appear like the place's ground floor, even though it didn't seem to have a ground floor in the movie. I forgive the faux pas, because I'd prefer to half-believe that I walked upon the real Ewok Village than not believe it at all.
  
  
• Sean Crespo at Cracked wants to diagnose your children based on their drawings.
  
  
• My guess is that your child is regularly being pulled into the spirit world, without your even knowing it, by a malevolent consciousness who has made a game of twisting your son's mind to the breaking point, delighting in every fissure he creates in your child's sanity by forcing him to cavort with ghouls and demons of nearly incomprehensible malfeasance, leaving your child with no hope of being rescued from the endless crossing over and subsequent torture. You also probably baby him too much. Tell him to walk it off.
  
  
• Something Awful describes jobs OF THE FUTURE.
  
  
• Window salesman who breathes really heavy on your window and draws a penis and the words “FREE GAY SEX HERE” in the fog so it gets stuck there and you have to buy a new window off him. If you refuse to purchase a window, he actually engages in free gay sex with your existing window.
  
  
• Yarrr! Retrocrush has the Ultimate Pirate Article!
  
  
• Let’s face it, somewhere inside all of us is one of those monsters wanting to get out and take a whack at somebody. The fact that these internal (hopefully not so external) feelings can be portrayed in a creative medium is a good thing and not a destructive thing. But what about those skulls & crossbones? Do pirate lovers have a death wish as well?
  
  
• I Am My Own Damn Blog has a hilarious mockery of the ridiculous Chuck Norris blog culture. Because, of course, Jack Bauer is better.
  
  
• Chuck Norris often petitions to allow a certain book to be taught in Public Schools. That book is known as the Holy Bible.
  
  
• Something Awful finally concludes their "Awful Customers" saga.
  

• "I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE NON SMOKING SECTION!!!"

  The server explained that it wasnt smoke, but just butter burning in a hot skillet with mushrooms in it.

  "OH SO YOU MEAN THAT MY CHILDREN ARE BREATHING IN AIRBORN MUSHROOM SPORES!?!?! AND NOW THEY WILL HAVE MUSHROOM GROING IN THEIR LUNGS??!?!?!!"

• Cracked has ten rules to be followed by concert-goers and musicians alike.
  
  
• We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parent's basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn’t lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe.
  
  
• See an entire sequence of The Empire Strikes Back reenacted with action figures! Why? Because you're as big a loser as I am.
  
  
• The Jay has an exhaustive list of actual real-life celebrity superpowers!
  
  
• David Schwimmer: Superhuman Caucasian-ness
  
  
• David Cross doesn't like it when you're an idiot.
  
  
• I am a somewhat known person, and by person, I mean face. At 7B one night, someone walked over, stood in front of me staring, then snapped his finger literally inches from my head and shouted, “Name!” Thus my first and foremost guideline to dealing with celebrities: If you don’t know who he is, ask your friend. Or a stranger. Don’t ask him. And certainly don’t ask him to keep listing his résumé until you realize he’s the guy from Blade of Innocence 2 who lost his shoe and got killed by the vampire with outer-space AIDS.

Oh go home.

June 15, 2006 (Day Late and Dollar Short Edition)
June 7, 2006
May 31, 2006
May 24, 2006
May 17, 2006
May 10, 2006
May 3, 2006
April 26, 2006