If you're like me, you're going to spend your Wednesday picking lice off of your head and plucking your unibrow. If you're not, you'll probably just go through the working day and celebrate the fact that we did, in fact, survive 6-6-06 (even though that pesky zero threw Satanists and metalheads for a loop). Either way, this will ease your way over the week's lovely lady lumps.
- If you hate Vince Vaughn's acting as much as I do, you should not click this link. However, if you want to learn to talk like a smarmy ass, be my guest. The following quote makes me seethe in anger--due both to the thought that we could/should make a language of movie quotes, and then use Vince Vaughn as a base. I kind of want to die just thinking about it.
- So if we created a language out of movie quotes, where would we start, what would we base it on? Like the English language deriving mostly from Latin, our new movie quote language has to start somewhere. If I were to choose, I would want our Latin to be Vince Vaughn. He’s the only actor alive whose quotes can be used for all spectrums of speech, and are widely recognized as some of the funniest, smartest and coolest in movie history.
- Oh god, kill me.
- Seriously.
- I-Mockery has a...PLEASE KILL ME.
- Okay, I'm better now. I-Mockery has a review of Frank Miller's (Sin City, The Dark Knight Returns) newest Batman comics, and things are not looking pretty.
- I'll say that again. Batman wanted Dick Grayson to eat rats. Apparently to "toughen him up". It's revealed that Batman did this when he was a boy, and Alfred points out that Batman did it out of his own free will, because clearly he's completely batshitzania crazy in this book. Alfred doesn't want to see Dick forced to resort to the same kind of thing, so he stands up to Batman. The issue ends with Batman storming off in a huff, upset that Dick has even turned Alfred against him.
- Cracked has ten media duos that were probably gay. Surprise! Tom Cruise is in one of them!
- Ignoring the standard Tom Cruise gay jokes, Top Gun is, without a doubt, one of the most deceivingly homoerotic films ever made, other than 1992’s Why Would I Want to Suck You, William?!
- Something Awful's weekly Comedy Goldmine is about crappy customers...something that about which, as a movie theater employee, I know quite a bit. Still, I don't think I've seen anything the likes of some of these stories.
- I focus my eyes on the computer screen as they begin to yell at each other. I'm way too high for this, I tell myself. What the hell do I do? The argument eventually turns into a shouting match full of f-bombs and racial slurs. I stand there completely shocked of what is happening and unable to do anything. A few seconds later, the black lady slaps the white lady in the face. I let fly with a "holy shit!" while the slapped woman looks completely shocked. I rush over in an attempt to get between them, suddenly finding my spine. The white lady then picks up the vase (which I never even remember putting on the counter) and slams it into the side of the black woman's head. The lady falls like a sack of potatoes to the floor.
- The Omen remake is bad. How bad? Just ask Retrocrush.
- The rest of the film is full of cheap-ass scares that are either telegraphed to the point of ridiculousness, or lame "make you jump" startling effects. The latter consist of a scary face accompanied by a loud noise that rattles you. They aren't clever, but are akin to you turning on your car stereo not realizing the volume was preset to full blast.
- Finally, Wednesday One-Liners are in fine form this week at Overheard in New York. In fact, here's two to whet your appetite.
. - Guy: I went to high school with you. I was a senior when you were a freshman. I used to look at your pantylines in gym class.
- College kid on cell: He used my razor to shave his balls....I didn't know what to do, I just stood there.
May 31, 2006
May 24, 2006
May 17, 2006
May 10, 2006
May 3, 2006
April 26, 2006
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