The Daily Chronicle: Monday, July 3, 2006

• Headline of the Day: "U.S. pins wiener-eating hopes on Chestnut."
  
  
• BEAR ATTACK UPDATE CONTINUED AGAIN! Italy wants Germany to return their dead bear's corpse (see TDC here, here, and here) for what I'd imagine would be a hero's burial. Germany wants bear stew. Who will win?
  
  
• "Beware of Bugs: Fire Ants Can Kill Americans." Much to the Italians' chagrin, the Germans are safe.
  
  
• Lawmakers are trying to phase out the penny for irrelevance: Target considering prices that don't end in "4."
  
  
• An Africa summit brings the "top Anti-Americans" together. No word yet on how the entire nation of France is going to arrive.
  
  
• Should doctors call obese children obese? Only if "lardass" is already ruled out.
  
  
• BE AFRAID! Fireworks injuries are ON THE RISE! They're expected to crest around July 4 and then drop for some reason until July 2007.
  
  
• The governor of New Jersey is shutting down much of New Jersey, including Casinos, in an attempt to strongarm people into ratifying his budget. In related news, the governor of New Jersey is a douchebag.
  
  
• A gigantic asteroid is approaching earth. Ben Affleck is just relieved to get some work.
  
  
• Steroid use is "highest in valleys." Barry Bonds lives in the San Francisco Valley. Coincidence?
  
  
• Headline most likely to turn people on: "A-Rod drives in 7 as Yankees pound Mets."
  
  
• The two candidates for Mexican president are both declaring victory since the race was "too close to call." Those candidates? Dewey and Truman.