Welcome to The Daily Chronicle: BEAR ATTACK edition.
- A man sent out 32,000 random, dirty-sex text messages, including some to children. News story deemed funny enough on its own not to merit further commentary.
- BEAR ATTACK! In Germany, the first wild bear in 150 years has appeared, and it's committing crimes such as "walking around by a lake!" THIS BEAR MUST DIE.
- West Hollywood passed a resolution "not to target certain adult marijuana users." And by "certain adult marijuana users," they mean Woody Harrelson.
- According to a recent robot convention, humans will be doing the nasty with robots within the next five years. It will be a step up for all of those men who have been humping Kleenex boxes for the last thirty years of their lives.
- DOG ATTACK! A donut-craving dog was the cause of a massive Washington house fire. He told them he'd burn the fucking place down if he didn't gets him some donuts.
- CAT ATTACK! Lewis the Cat (intimidating, I know) was spared from execution for his crimes of attacking neighbors and instead put on house arrest. This news story brought to you by the Coalition To Inform People That You Can Sue a Goddamned Cat.
- Authorities are warning drug users that they should AVOID HEROIN AT ALL COSTS BECAUSE IT IS BAD FOR THEM! Millions of junkies thank the authorities and go on to live clean and productive lives.
- BEAR ATTACK! In Maine, four bears climbed a tree! And they ate out of a bird feeder! These foul beasts must be stopped!