The Daily Chronicle: Wednesday, June 28, 2006

• ATTACK ON THE BEAR ATTACK! Italy is upset about the human attack on the Only Bear in Germany (see Yesterday or Last Tuesday) that resulted in the untimely death of said evil bear. Does anybody else smell World War III a-brewin'?
  
  
• A man known as "The Railroad Killer" was executed last night in Texas. Railroads everywhere were said to rejoice.
  
  
• Emilie de Ravin, the actress that plays Claire on television's "Lost," got married yesterday. Just another "reason" to add to my suicide note.
  
  
• An amendment to outlaw Flag Desecration was not passed, losing by only one vote. That one vote: Jimmy the Flag Shitter, incumbent from New Jersey.
  
  
• Kids everywhere are dying by means of "flatlining," or choking themselves to asphyxiation to receive a five-second high. Back in the good old days we just used aerosol cans and heroin.