The Daily Chronicle: Tuesday, 6-27-2006

Holy moly, do I have news for you!

• "Are you confused about etiquette?" No. I'm confused about the season-finale of "Lost." I just don't care about etiquette.
  
  
• The British Army demoted their mascot, Billy the Goat. He will no longer be permitted to lead troops into battle.
  
  
• ALLIGATOR ATTACK! An alligator on a New York lawn ran in fear as a man came out to get his newspaper. It was summarily shot and killed for its offenses against mankind, which include "Being an alligator" and "Being a scared alligator."
  
  
• Saddam Hussein thinks that Americans will get on their knees and beg for his help in ending the insurgency in Iraq. He seems to forget that whole "genocide trial that will result in his death" thing.
  
  
• Does the "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" Bible go too far? Only if there's immaculate double-penetration.
  
  
• The Queen of England held tea for 2000 children recently. In a related note, 2000 more children realized recently that there is no point to a Queen of England.
  
  
• In India, a "superhero" tells kids not to attempt the same feats of cunning he is known for committing. Said feats include AMAZING OUTSOURCING TELEPHONE POWERS!, DOUBLE-SHIFT-AT-THE-CONVENIENCE-STORE STAMINA! and OTHER OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES!
  
  
• England's Prince Charles paid over £3.3 million in taxes last year, presumably for his difficult job of Being A Prince. Interesting. I thought that job wouldn't even be worth one million of those squiggly marks.
  
  
• BEAR ATTACK UPDATE! The Only Bear in Germany (see also, last Tuesday's Daily Chronicle) was shot and killed, for serious, for its crimes of Being A Bear in Germany.
  
  
• A Comcast employee was fired last week for, instead of working, sleeping on a customer's couch. That Comcast employee? Homer Simpson.
  
  
• A 1,000-pound man lost 200 pounds the other day somehow. In related news, he is still fat.
  
  
• SNAKE ATTACK! In Borneo, a snake was found that can change colors with its environment. Scientists are now finding a way to put it On A Plane.
  
  
• More and more schools are banning games at recess. Recommended alternate activities include "standing there" and "standing there in a single-file line."
  
  
• Is your blood running through your arteries just a little bit too smoothly? Get clogging with the new "Twinkies Cookbook," complete with recipes for Twinkie Lasagna and Twinkie Burritos.
  
  
• A musical version of How The Grinch Stole Christmas is hitting Broadway this fall. That news was its own punchline.
  
  
• JK Rowling will be killing off two characters in her final Harry Potter book. Please for the love of god let it be Dobby.
  
  
• "Mexican political groups demand voice." Don't think it's funny when somebody gives them the Speedy Gonzales voice.
  

I'd like to thank F. Scott for his assistance in finding the Recess-related news. I'd also like to thank my agent and God for bringing me here today.