The Daily Chronicle: Monday, July 31, 2006

• Officials are accusing a New York man of biting off a rooster's head. Meanwhile, a New York man is accusing a rooster of having a delicious head.
  
  
• Not only was Mel Gibson arrested for DUI on Friday, but he was spewing out anti-Semetic epithets the entire time. This is the part where I usually make a joke, but I now invite you to reread that first sentence.
  
  
• "Giant Dead Eel Tossing Contest Canceled." I can't imagine it was for lack of interest.
  
  
• "Hot fun, cool deals in New Orleans!" Buy now: every house currently comes with an outdoor pool.
• Note to self: too soon for Katrina jokes?
• Note to self: No.
  
  
• Boy George will be pickin' up trash in the August heat. He's just happy to be getting work.
  
  
• The FDA is about to make the Morning After Pill available over the counter. Spoodles thinking about throwing away economy-sized box of condoms.
  
  
• DANGER! There is a current sperm-donor shortage! Sorry guys, but I've been busy taking advantage of this morning-after thing.
  
  
  
• A man found a 188-year-old Bible in a dumpster. It was originally thrown away for being too preachy.