Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Daily Chronicle: Tuesday, 8-1-2006

August...shit. School is coming a bit too fast for my liking. Daily updates will continue anyway.
  • An anti-obesity vaccine may have been discovered. In a statement, scientists said, "It's called exercise you fatasses LOL" and then gave some lardo a pink-belly.

  • A waitress, carding a customer, received her own previously-stolen driver's license. In typical waitress fashion though, she didn't bother to look and acted real surly-like.

  • Britain has created a new "terror alert system," with a range going from "low" to "critical." America responds that it "makes too much sense" and requests they change it to colors or maybe geometric shapes.

  • A mom became an unlikely detective, seeking out the teenaged ruffians that vandalized her house when she realized the cops had better and more important things to do. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Queen Latifah.

  • The title of the sequel to Batman Begins is "The Dark Knight," and Heath Ledger will be playing The Joker. Will Ledger be a good Joker? Well, I thought he was hilarious in Brokeback Mountain.

  • Mel Gibson, registered Jew hater, has his Holocaust miniseries (originally thought up as a way to erase the backlash from the previous Anti-semetic claims) put on indefinite hold.
    • I can't remember the last bit of celebrity news as exciting as this Mel Gibson stuff.
      • PS He hates Jews.

  • A Kentucky museum is "[rejecting] history and [using the] Bible" to tell the story of the Earth, a move so ignorant that it could only be described as "Kentucky-esque."
    • Oh god, I hope nobody from Kentucky reads this blog.
      • Wait, I forgot. People from Kentucky can't read.

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