Arbitrary Box Office Results for the Weekend of July 28, 2006

Hoo-boy. The arbitrariness of these box-office results is really going to show, because I have yet to sell any tickets this weekend. I don't know who's buying, and I don't know what they're buying for. Here's some handy, dandy guesswork.

1. Crockett, Tubbs, and about two hours of your life you'll never get back (Miami Vice): $48.1 million. A hunk of the eighties that I had prayed would not be revived, starring Ray Charles.
   
2. The Movie that Wouldn't Die (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest): $23.4 million. This one was better than the first, but I still prefer the G-G-G-GHOST PIRATES!
   
3. Boobs (John Tucker Must Die):$21.6 million. All I remember from this preview is boobs. Sorry.
   
4. The Moral of the Story is Don't Kill Ants (Ant Bully): $15.1 million. There. Now you don't have to see it.
   
5. This Movie Would Have Been Cool When I Was Ten (Monster House): $11.2 million. If It Didn't Suck.

Tomorrow there'll be another piece of fake fiction (or, as I call it, FAKETION! Get it?) in a similar vein as my Pirates Novelization. Tonight I'm mud wrestling with BBWs, lol.