Friday, July 28, 2006

The Daily Chronicle: The Weekend of Friday July 28, 2006 to Sunday, July 30, 2006

Burn this city. It's time for a weekend.
  • Diablo Cody--former Catholic schoolgirl, once a stripper, and now a major motion picture screenwriter. She's just one "sleeps with nerds" away from being the girl of my dreams.

  • Mel Gibson was arrested today under the suspicion of DUI. However, further investigation showed that he was merely a "crazy fucker."

  • "Lance Bass is gay. So now what?" A quick fade back to obscurity, most likely.

  • "Child rape minister to serve life." Now what's the point in making somebody a minister of child rape if they can't rape a few children?

  • A Texas strip club is preparing a river tubing trip with its strippers. No life vests needed, as all women are equipped with their own floatation devices.
    • ZING!

  • CAPITALISM ATTACK! Dastardly food companies are using Internet games to attract children to their products. I yearn for the good old days when food companies never advertised to children and smiling bees sold us cereal."

  • A 288-pound man received 288 pounds in jelly beans during a tour of the Jelly Belly factory. It is expected that, next time he goes, he will receive 350 pounds in jelly beans.

  • In Kansas, illicit materials such as marijuana, crack, and various pipes were found in various decorative plants outside of a checkpoint, giving new meaning to the phrase "potted plants."

  • A 19-year-old chess champion plummeted to her death while competing in a tournament. Great. One more sport I'm afraid to play.


derek said...

I really enjoyed Clerks II. I'm going in to apply at the amc here in West Chester today. Hopefully they'll have an opening.

kate said...

the only thing i remember about lance bass is that his perfectly shaped eyebrows really distracted me from paying attention to anything else. i think that was the first sign.