The Daily Chronicle: Saturday, June 24, 2006

• Conservatives love "24." Time for me to find a new television program.
  
  
• Children's deaths in hot cars are preventable. Step one: do not leave children in hot cars.
  
  
• A million Cadbury products have been pulled from shelves for fear of salmonella. Somebody needs to tell these people that Creme Eggs are, in fact, not real eggs.
  
  
• PELICAN ATTACK! A "possibly drunk" pelican flew into a windshield in California. Somebody should have taken that fucker's keys.
  
  
• To hide the fact that he got a bad test score, a Japanese boy burnt down his house, killing his family. Surely there must have been a better way.
  
  
• CAT ATTACK! Well, not really. An idiot had to be rescued from a tree after trying to rescue a cat. He should know better. Isn't that a job suited for friendly 1950's firemen?
  
  
• RAT ATTACK! Over one thousand rats were evacuated from a house, and a man was fined for living in "unsanitary conditions." Really? Unsanitary? Is it time to revive the "No Shit!" News Post of the Week?
  
  
• More and more motels are allowing pets to stay in the rooms. In a related story, more and more hotels are losing my business for allowing pets to stay in the rooms.
  
  
• Now you can buy nicotine-laced water to help you quit (or start?) smoking. For when chaw just ain't enough.