The Daily Chronicle: Friday, June 23, 2006

• A recent study finds that June 23 (that's today) is the happiest day of the year. Hey! You! Stop slitting your wrists! You can start again in twenty-four hours.
  
  
• GATOR ATTACK! An alligator snapped at a man who was just going about his business, delivering the newspaper. Upon further questioning, the alligator said that it was "sick and tired of hearing about half-assed animal attacks in the news."
  
  
• A seventeen-year-old defends her actions (running away from home to go to the Middle East for a man she met on MySpace) because "they are going to get married someday." When hearing this news, the Middle Eastern man in question said, "Shit. I just wanted some illegal poonani."
  
  
• Canada apologizes for Chinese "Head Tax." Says, "Chinese should be able to get tax-free head like the rest of us."
  
  
• A cannibal teacher that ate one of his students is seeking relief from the insane asylum. Authorities say, "Aw, why not! What harm could he possibly do?"
  
  
• The planet Earth is the hottest it's been in 2000 years. Scientists claim that it's because of "greenhouse gases," but I have a secret suspicion that it's due to all the hot air Al Gore's been spewing recently.
  
  
• Saddam Hussein's hunger strike ended today after he missed one meal. When asked for comment, he said "Never has moldy bread been so satisfying!"