- A recent study finds that June 23 (that's today) is the happiest day of the year. Hey! You! Stop slitting your wrists! You can start again in twenty-four hours.
- GATOR ATTACK! An alligator snapped at a man who was just going about his business, delivering the newspaper. Upon further questioning, the alligator said that it was "sick and tired of hearing about half-assed animal attacks in the news."
- A seventeen-year-old defends her actions (running away from home to go to the Middle East for a man she met on MySpace) because "they are going to get married someday." When hearing this news, the Middle Eastern man in question said, "Shit. I just wanted some illegal poonani."
- Canada apologizes for Chinese "Head Tax." Says, "Chinese should be able to get tax-free head like the rest of us."
- A cannibal teacher that ate one of his students is seeking relief from the insane asylum. Authorities say, "Aw, why not! What harm could he possibly do?"
- The planet Earth is the hottest it's been in 2000 years. Scientists claim that it's because of "greenhouse gases," but I have a secret suspicion that it's due to all the hot air Al Gore's been spewing recently.
- Saddam Hussein's hunger strike ended today after he missed one meal. When asked for comment, he said "Never has moldy bread been so satisfying!"
Friday, June 23, 2006
The Daily Chronicle: Friday, June 23, 2006
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