Monday, September 25, 2006

The Monday Grizz-ind

Holla atcha boy.

Tis the season for websites to post inordinate amounts of stuff. Good stuff. Awesome stuff. I have nineteen links saved for today, and that would make for quite an epic post.

In other words, you're not getting them all today. Expect a bonus linkdump tomorrow (and the usual Wednesday linkdump as well).

Robot Hand is the Future. Providing absolutely no exclusive content since 2006.
  • X-Entertainment strikes again! More candy-type fun, from Matt's brain to your mouth and also eyes.

    • Of all of the variations, the "Pumpkin Patch" bag was the most intriguing, because not only does it contain pumpkin-shaped Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but it includes something I hadn't seen before: Orange pumpkin-shaped Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The orange ones have a white chocolate-flavored shell, marking one of the few times in history that orange has tasted like white. To be truthful, neither of the pumpkin-shaped Reese's Cups are anywhere near as good as the original shapes, because, Jesus Christ, my kingdom for a Reese's with a corrugated rim. Makes my throat feel like a big trash compactor.

  • I know you're having trouble raising your mentally retarded child, so why not check out Cracked's article on the matter?

    • Obviously, a normal loving relationship is out of the question. However, you might one day come to accept your retarded child for what he or she is: a mildly amusing nuisance. While usually a hassle, mentals make wonderful entertainment at dinner parties and family gatherings. Ask them simple questions and laugh at their ridiculous answers or strip them naked and spray them with a hose. Just watch the drugs around them. They’re absolutely terrifying when you’re stoned.

  • Cockeyed has a neverending loop of photographs for you to feast your peepers upon. I ended that sentence in a preposition, and it was so freeing.

  • In the style of Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions comes iMockery's answer to the time-honored phrase: "Trick or treat?"

    • Oh, hey, a store bought costume. Know what? How about you get the fuck off my porch?

  • Cracked wants you to stop making the same movies again and again.

    • 3. Movies in which the lesser Wayans Brothers dress up as something they are not, such as white people or women or white women, in order to accomplish some hair-brained scheme.

  • Review the World has a sort of President-Bush-to-English dictionary for you.

    • America did not ask to be attacked viciously and mercilessly. We did not ask to be attacked using our own resources, yet it happened anyways. Once it was over, there was nothing we could do about it. No one can change the past; you simply have to accept it and move on. So, what we wanted was retaliation. Would it be in the form of a full blown invasion, a reconnaissance mission, a bombing, multiple bombings, nuclear retaliation, or a mult-tiered war? The latter was our approach and we, as a nation, were appeased.

  • If you like pictures of hippo-crab hybrids, Something Awful has just the photoshop feature for you.

  • X-Entertainment has the latest in bootleg Thriller action figures. Reenact your favorite scenes, like that part where Michael Jackson looks at the camera and his eyes are all crazy.

    • If you're still somehow doubting that the figures were meant to capitalize on Thriller's popularity, note that the figure shown above -- the "Michael" of the set -- was named "Midnite Mike." Says so right on the back of the package. Speaking of which, the "Graveyard Gang" features some of the best toy packaging I've ever seen. I say that a lot, but I'm pretty sure I mean it this time. From the eerie artwork featuring a zombie-in-a-suit to the coffin-shaped bubble with coffin-shaped paper inside, I really didn't want to open Midnite Mike. But, since opening Midnite Mike was the only way to get a long enough article out of him, I went against my convictions, and now one of you bitches owes me twenty-five bucks.

  • Kyle at Progressive Boink brings you a web-aptitude test. Will you pass?

    • 4. Millicent is at a party and she sees a few friends smoking dope. They offer her some (some dope). What should she do?

      a) Politely decline.
      b)Give in to peer pressure.
      c) Honk, “I’M STRAIGHT EDGE!”
      d)i hhave asberger. my only friend are on irc. img oing to comit suicide

  • Mattman would like to invite you to the land of 1000 animals.

    • The insanity of this brochure continues with tiny pony rides, llama rides, Felix the Mountain Lion, and Mike the “Chimpion” Go-Kart driver. That’s right. Chimpion. Donkey Kong wasn’t the first primate to hop behind the wheel of a go-cart. Mike the Chimp steers around tires and thrills visitors. I’m not sure if this would count as entertainment to today’s vacationers; Maybe in Arkansas, or if you happen to be driving by, but a not for a planned vacation.
Woot woot.

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