The Monday Grind? MORE LIKE THE MONDAY SHMIND!

This post brought to you by Frogdog: the first dog to look like a frog.

First, a special congratulations to The Jay for his first Internet anniversary. Here's to many more.

Second, some tasty links.

• Wade Boggs? More like WADE BLOGGS! Hopefully his Caps Lock streak ends soon.
  
  
• INTERESTING THING ABOUT MY SPECTACLES: THE DAY THAT I FIRST GOT THESE SMOOTH FRAMES, I WAS STRUTTING MY STUFF ROUNDABOUTS THE BOSTON HARBOR, REMEMBERING WITH FONDNESS THE FAMED TEAPARTY THAT TOOK PLACE IN THAT VERY BODY OF WATER, WHEN A WOMAN APPROACHED ME AND COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY SPECS. I THANKED HER AND DOFFED MY CAP, WALKING AWAY WITH A SPRING IN MY STEP. THREE YEARS LATER, I WAS MARRIED TO THAT VERY SAME WOMAN. THE VERY SAME WOMAN THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY RUN ME OVER WITH HER JEEP. THE VERY SAME WOMAN NAMED DEBORAH.
  
  
• X-Entertainment is updating every day with Halloween stuff. Get in the spirit with some themed corn chips!
  
  
• If your local grocer carries "Fright Bites," they'll be hard to miss. They come in the loudest bags in the history of potato chip et cetera marketing. That is one amazing bag, seeming like sort of a relic of a Halloween generation past, stuffed with too many pictures, too many colors and text bursts reading, "So Good They're Scary!"
  
  
• Cracked brings you deleted scenes from that recent September 11 documentary.
  
  
• CLINTON: See, Osama? America's not that bad. I'm glad we were able to do this today, though it's unfortunate I had to sneak out of the White House like that. Some members of my staff still don't know how to have fun, no matter how many times I tell them that terrorism is not something that bothers me and that I find it very difficult to take its threats seriously.
  
  
• iMockery enjoys the movie Zombie.
  
  
• An underwater zombie! I believe this marked the first time that I ever saw a zombie attack a scuba diving woman... let alone a topless one. So she flails around for a bit, trying to get away from him without any success. Then she grabs a piece of coral and scratches up his face with it and makes a quick escape back up to the boat while he's distracted on the ocean floor.
  
  
• Review the World posts "Bra Removal Guide," a short story.
  
  
• The only minor scare was when I heard the floor creek in her kitchen it was her dog Max. He tilted his head and looked at me confusingly, then he went into the hallway and found himself a cozy spot to fall asleep in. I remember the last thing I saw that night. I started falling asleep, staring quietly at the blinking Christmas lights, inextricably amazed by them. I heard Cindy get up, and watched from the corner of my eye as she ran into the kitchen, wearing nothing but her socks and panties, and prepared a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa.
  
  
• B at Progressive Boink ruminates on the downfall of recent Spider-Man comics, and a particular, loathesome promo comic as well.
  
  
• So nowadays, when faced with dangers like a Doombot bursting through the wall to capture a little girl, Peter Parker uses the proportional strength and speed of an English major to fend off a robot with an office chair. This becomes crucial later. For you see, this is the opening scene of "SPIDER-MAN AND THE FANTASTIC FOUR IN... BRAIN DRAIN," a free, limited edition comic book only available in little stacks beside the sales fliers at your local OfficeMax office supply provider. With the teacher's manual comes great responsibility.
  
  
• X-Entertainment again, telling you the best things about that 3D Friday the 13th flick.
  
  
• Of course, in theaters, the flying spear came right at audiences in full 3D. What's awesome is that your brain barely had a chance to process the sight of the incoming harpoon before they did a hard cut to Vera, now flailing around the water with a spear in her eye socket. Some people think I'm nuts for liking the F13 series so much, but when I show them this scene and still can't get a "hell yeah," I call Steve Austin and ask him what the fuck I'm doing wrong.
  
  
• Something Awful photoshops a dumb-lookin' shot putter into a whole bunch of fun situations.
  
  
• iMockery writes about some shady rip-off Halloween costumes.
  
  
• Uh oh, it's the Night Killer! They didn't even call it "nightmare" killer for chrissakes. Somehow I doubt New Line Cinema has a copyright on the word "nightmare" so that nobody else can use it. So what's up with his hand? It's as if they're saying, "Uh, we couldn't afford the Freddy glove prop, but just use your imagination here. Pretend he's got razor fingers, yeah!" Gotta also love how the patches of soot around his face makes him look more like a coal miner than some guy who was burned alive.
  
  
• Progressive Boink's world-famous Justin writes an article that covers a whole lot of ground, not least of which is Cosmopolitan magazine.
  
  
• I'm just waiting for the day when the Cosmopolitan staff realize the well from which they've been drawing generic sexual advice has finally run dry and they're forced to call it quits. Like, one day after having just ritualistically slain and devoured an abandoned orphan baby, the C.E.O. of Cosmopolitan is sitting at his desk when through the door to his office bursts a distraught editor, hair unkempt and red in the face, clutching a stack of printed graphs and charts, intent on delivering the bad news.
  
  
• Speaking of Cosmopolitan magazine, Cracked has a fun "What kind of woman are you?" Cosmo quiz.
  
  
• X-Entertainment heralds the return of Halloween's very own Mountain Dew Pitch Black.
  
  
• How this happened, I don't know, but I'd like to believe that Pepsi went to ICEE and said, "Look dudes, we're fucking with a small but loyal fanbase by kicking the Pitch Black brand in the river like so many Blair Witch maps, and we need some help on a consolatory level." They probably wouldn't have worded it just like that, only because Pepsi's campaign pitchmen are known for the ol' Short Intense Sentence trick. "Three words. Pitch Black Freeze. Three more. We both TRIUMPH!"
  
  
• CrownCombo opens up a box of random Happy Meal toys...and a box of memories. *Sniff*
  
  
• A few of the toys were broken. My Koopa Troopa is missing the air bulb to make it jump, there's a car with no Garfield driver, Gonzo is driving Miss Piggy's car, and someone seems to have put a lighter to Sister Bear's muzzle. There's also that general "unclean" feeling you have after touching some mysterious person's toys. Time to break out the Lysol.
  
  
• iMockery looks at Hellraiser III, a sequel certainly meriting use of the classy Roman Numeral system.
  
  
• This had my friends and I in hysterics the first time we saw it happen. It's like that trick where somebody yanks the tablecloth out from under all of the dishes. Only in this case, it's Pinhead ripping off all of her flesh in one quick yank. Well, it goes without saying that the girl is pretty much kaput after this happens. I mean, even if Pinhead let her go, I doubt she'd even be able to find a club owner that would touch her skinless ass now.