Tuesday, September 19, 2006

From the author of Lord of the Rings comes...nothing, because he's dead

CNN reports: "Unfinished Tolkien work to be published in '07." Apparently Tolkien's son did some heavy editing of disgarded manuscripts.

Always on the cutting edge of nerdy geekdom, I already provided everybody with the new Tolkien text in July of 2006. Here is a reprint just for you.

The Lord of the Rings Part Four: The Ring Didn't Really Melt by Bobby P. Tolkien, great nephew of JRR Tolkien

Frodo, Bilbo, and Gandalf were floating out to the Grey Havens on their mystical elf-boat when suddenly, Gandalf's eyes shot open like a blooming flower, except a whole lot faster than that.

"Alas and alack!" the wizened wizard exclaimed worriedly. Frodo was startled and rushed to Gandalf's side with his trusty pipe while Bilbo sat around farting because he was all old and stuff.

Frodo looked into Gandalf the White's eyes with his own, doelike orbs. "What seems to be the trouble here, Gandalf?" the luscious hobbit asked tenderly. "Judging by your old-timey, woeful exclamations, you are full of woe (and old-timey)."

"It just occurred to me," Gandalf spake, "that the ring didn't really melt back there and it is time for another epic journey to destroy it because it is evil. You see, when Gollum fell to his doom in the crevice of Mt. Doom, he actually must have put a magic protection spell +1 on the ring. Or, if not that, then some other convenient plot device!" Gandalf was wise beyond his many years, and his veracity was not to be questioned by the likes of wargs, warlocks, or even wary readers of arbitrary sequels. "We must create a fellowship. And I happen to know just the guys for the job!"

Frodo nodded, smiling lustily.

All of a sudden we cut somewhere else! It's the highway and a motorcycle is driving down an otherwise empty desert road. Aboard said motorbike is everybody's favorite dwarf, Gimli Son of Gloin. He's bad. So bad. He is so bad that cop cars appear on the horizon, obviously chasing his bad self! Then, all of a sudden, Gandalf's boat appeared by wizard magic, and it scooped up Gimli Son of Gloin's badass Harley like Mikey scooped up spoonfuls of Life cereal because he actually liked it. At first, Gimli Son of Gloin was infuriated.

"Why I oughtta!" he grumbled.

But then he realized it was merely a merry prank by his old friend Gandalf, and he chortled a bit--only a bit, and not enough to sully his surly demeanor. And so Gimli Son of Gloin put his axe away and joined a new fellowship.

"Oh Gimli!" Frodo chuckled flirtily.

And then Aragorn Son of Arathorn was sitting at his kingly table surrounded by his twelve apostles when OH MY GOD Gandalf's magic boat appeared on the kingly table. Gandalf and Gimli Son of Gloin greeted Aragorn Son of Arathorn fondly, while Frodo leered from the poop deck.

"Aragorn," Gandalf addressed Aragorn, "we need you to join our fellowship and destroy the One Ring which remains undestroyed possibly due to some gypsy curse!"

"And what of my kingly duties?" Aragorn asked ungrammatically. "I am a hesitant hero!"

Suddenly a peep from the apostles: "We can take care of the lawn, my lord. Do the right thing." The speaking apostle nodded at his noble ruler.

"Thank you, Judas. You bastard." And with that, Aragorn Son of Arathorn, nee Strider, joined the expedition.

And then the rest of the gang was all there somehow--the loveable comic duo of Merry and Pippin, brave Samwise Gamgee, and world-renowned pirate-elf Legolas. Twas a happy reunion, and Frodo felt satisfied in every way. Only one thing was missing, due to Boromir being killed in the first book and movie. "We need a ninth member," Gandalf opined.

Merry and Pippin gave each other a knowing glance and also some little baby kisses, and then they shouted in unison: "Treebeard!"


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