Monday, August 21, 2006

The Prison Break Primer

Welcome, students, to the class that will teach you everything you need to know about FOX's Prison Break, which has a season premiere tonight. Robot Hand is the Future examines the characters and their relevance to whatever plot may be forthcoming. All picutres are the first Google Search result for the character's name, and, due to the fact that it's been three months since my last episode of Prison Break, all information is not necessarily accurate or indicitive of actual Prison Break continuity.
  • Michael Scofield is the lead actor of the series, played by Wentworth Miller. Scofield's aim was to place himself inside of the prison and evacuate his brother, Lincoln, before Lincoln was executed for a murder he didn't commit. Armed with a veiled blueprint of the prison tattooed on his luscious, well-built body, women want him and men want to be him. The escape took place in last season's finale, and Michael is currently running on an airstrip with the police in hot pursuit.

  • Lincoln Burrows is Scofield's brother. He was set up for the murder of the Vice President's brother and resided on death row until Michael freed him. He is known to stand there with his arms crossed, looking surly. Also, he has a very muscular jaw. He is currently with his brother running from the cops.

  • Abruzzi is a douchebag mafioso that assisted Michael in his plot in order to find the location of a witness in order to silence him. He has an irritating accent and some greasy hair. He is on the run with the brothers.

  • T-Bag is the very relatable character that molests children and rules the bitches of the prisonyard. When we last saw him, his hand had been chopped off by Abruzzi and he was writhing in pain on a barn floor. Delightful.

  • Tweener is a young, white roustabout that talks like a grizzled hardcore rapper. He was--at one point--T-Bag's bitch, and he eventually betrayed Scofield and the crew before escaping with them. He was last seen heading across police barricades in a truck full of pigs, probably with the full intention of having sex with them.

  • LJ Burrows is Lincoln's son and is too annoying to write much about. He, too, was set up for murder and is awaiting trial.

  • Veronica Donovan is the brothers' woman on the outside, attempting to clear Lincoln's name but getting embroiled in a massive political conspiracy in the process. She is currently cornering the man Lincoln "killed."

  • C-Note is a man that lied to his family--they think he was in Iraq. LOL WON'T THEY BE SURPRISED. He is currently running with the brothers.

  • Haywire is a crazy mental-ward asshole that was abandoned by the group after their escape. He was last seen stealing a little girl's bike and riding off into the sunset.

  • Sucre is Michael's cellmate and potential lifemate. He wanted to escape prison so that his girlfriend/baby's-mommy wouldn't get stolen by his sleazy cousin. He's on the run with the bro's.

  • Dr. Tancredi, the prison doctor, is Michael's love interest. She overdosed on heroin or something after helping him escape
Hopefully now you are caught up enough to watch what is sure to be a bitchin' season premiere tonight at 8:00.

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