Monday, August 07, 2006

The Monday Grind

Welcome to Planet Marsbar. This is my DeviantArt account and this is my MySpace account. This is my Monday linkdump.
  • Extra extra! Mel Gibson hates Jews. I know, that's old hat. But The Jay has some other celebrity haterade to reveal. Who hates who (hates who)?

    • Mr. T Hates/Pities Fool

  • Chris Berman is a blowhard, and Cracked brings you his newest writing.

    • Hey—you might be asking yourself, "Why does Berman write like he's broadcasting on live TV?" Because it's the only way I know how to communicate! Even…with…my…loved ones.

  • Cats. Hitler. Two cuddly things. But put them together and whaddya got? Bibbidy bobbidy boo.

    • Does your cat look like Adolf Hitler? Do you wake up in a cold sweat every night wondering if he's going to up and invade Poland? Does he keep putting his right paw in the air while making a noise that sounds suspiciously like "Sieg Miaow"? If so, this is the website for you
  • The ever-insightful Jay knows about romantic comedies, and he wants to tell us about the boy's role in the "boy meets girl" scenario.

    • 6. Boy Must Have Epiphany – This is often accompanied by a long, soul-searching walk near a large body of water, accompanied by deep important close-ups and lots of running to go find Girl and tell her about his Epiphany. Epiphany works even better if it occurs on a public transportation vehicle, thereby requiring said vehicle to slam on its brakes in a gratuitously dramatic way and/or stop just in time for the Boy to not go where he was supposed to go (see Garden State and Fools Rush In).

  • Current guest writer and gorilla Steve T. Ape wants Cracked to relate his proper grooming article.

    • If you're like me, you spend a lot of time grooming. You no doubt stand in front of the mirror for hours on end, combing the hair in your underarms until the curls are full, bouncy and lustrous. You also can probably get lost for hours picking chiggers and ticks out of the course hairs on your arm. You are also probably an ape.

  • Review the World reviews some new Ninja Turtles merchandise. Also, the world.

    • There’s our man… Casey Jones! He’s actually too hardcore to wear a helmet, but they don’t want to give bad ideas to today’s youth. His bike is nicely done, but his wardrobe is troubling. I particularly am concerned with the formless brown mitts and blue shoes. And while I’m nitpicking, I guess a gray headlight probably wouldn’t do the trick out on the road, either.

  • i-Mockery's Tales From the Longbox looks at comic book crossovers.

    • BATMAN: Come on, Spawn! We've got to go after the Penguin! He's trying to poison the carbonated beverage supply of Rat City with pop rocks!
      SPAWN: Fuck off. Can't you see I'm brooding on my throne of skulls? *sigh*
      BATMAN: That's totally queer.
      SPAWN: Shut up.

  • If there was anything to be gleaned from '80s cartoons, Cracked knows it.

    • ARTOON: Scooby Doo
      LESSON: Trust no one.
      Those phantoms in the fog are actually malevolent hicks, dressed up as ghosts to scare you off their spooky farm. That monster hiding in the attic is actually old man McGee, trying to find the treasure buried in the floorboards. And that happy-go-lucky frat boy, Fred, is actually a bloodthirsty killer. Don’t turn your back on him. Or the girls. Or your dog

  • Review the World? How bout a little somethin' somethin' about the Hamilton County sheriff's uniforms please and thank you?

    • But I still find it funny that some of our law enforcement agencies would dress up like icons of the past. Let me give you a scenario. What if the new Department of Homeland Security decided that all of its agents would carry Katanas and dress like Samurai? Now most people would find that concept ridiculous, but I ask you are Samurai any more ridiculous than Cowboys? They both were a real class of people, they both were known for their weapons, they both followed a code of ethics based on honor.

  • Garfield is dead, and I couldn't be gladder.

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