The Daily Chronicle: Tuesday, 8-8-06

• Twin pandas each had twin cubs in the same week. I smell a lucrative Doublemint contract.
• Oh no, that's just panda shit. I smell panda shit.
  
  
• "Ohio executes triple-murderer who asked for death." No no no! You're giving him what he wants! Best to set him free instead.
  
  
• BE AFRAID! Parents need to watch out for escalators and shopping carts! Also, nerf balls and marshmallows present a significant danger to your child. Buy a helmet.
  
  
• Thousands of hopeful contestants are flocking to American Idol auditions. As usual, about half of them will be retarded and mocked by America. The other, luckier half will sing badly and not be asked to come back.
  
  
• Pill-poppin' cyclist Floyd Landis says that his positive steroid test was "fatally flawed." It was explained to him that the test looked for illegal steroid use and Landis said, "Oh...nevermind. Sounds like you did it right."
  
  
• A new study indicates that fathers get postpartum depression too. While a woman's postpartum is caused by a chemical imbalance, a man's is caused by the feeling of dread that--oh shit--he's actually going to have to stick around.
  
  
• "US man walks nude to protest Iraq war." But mainly just because it's hot outside.
  
  
• "Cops gripe about wacky 911 calls." When asked to comment, one officer stated that "I'm sick and tired of hearing all of this 'attempted murder' shit. Call us when you really need something."
  
  
• Planned Parenthood wants Britain's NHS to provide a wider variety of condoms to people requiring contraception. Strawberry-flavored Trojans are hard to come by these days, I guess.