The Daily Chronicle: Wednesday, 8-16-2006

• Jay-Z is helping the United Nations deal with a water crisis. How? "Money, Cash, Hoes."
  
• What do you mean you don't get the reference?
  
  
• "Billy Joel a surprise at classical show." Billy Joel a giant singing vagina everywhere.
  
  
• "If Samuel L. Jackson called, would you see his movie?" No. If Samuel L. Jackson called, I'd shit my pants and run away, sure that I was about to get popped in the head by a badass mothafucka.
  
  
• "NASA searching for moon-landing tapes." You can't find something that never existed. I'm on to you.
  
  
• A senator is apologizing for calling an Indian man "macaca" during a debate. He said he was sorry for the nonsense word and went on to say that he meant "dirty and foul convenience store employee."
  
  
• AOL is preparing to literally dig for gold in the backyard of a convicted e-mail spammer. Turns out they found a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.
• Lame movie calls for a lame joke.
  
  
• Elvis fans are celebrating the anniversary of his death, probably by making his favorite cake--peanut butter, bananas, and amphetamines.
  
  
• Christina Aguilara is hoping for a tabloid-free feature. However, she doesn't want to give up showing her vagina in public, so it may be hard.
  
  
• Time Magazine listed the fifty coolest websites of 2006. Conspicuously absent? Robot Hand is the Future.
  
  
• According to recent polls, over one third of all people lose their virginity before the age of consent. Interesting tidbit: I am now 1/3 of the way to my goal of meeting every teenage female in the world.