After a brief visit to the emergency room last evening, I am in good spirits and prepared to write some more awful jokes about boring news stories. Thank god.
- Police discovered a marijuana farm by following a man they found rolling around naked on the ground. But how did they know to follow HIM?
- Scientists are saying that certain tests will determine your likelihood of dementia. Question number one: are you Mel Gibson?
- "Marie Osmond suicide bid denied." It's true--I wagered $3 million in the hopes that she'd off herself.
- "Media attacked for climate porn."
- I'm sure there's a good joke in here somewhere, but I'm drawing a blank. Blame it on my intense intestinal cramping. Please write your best joke and leave it in the comments.
- "Spider invasion creeping out Austrians." Aren't they already creeped out enough by prodigal son (and sploogegasm-lover) Arnold Schwarzenegger?
- "Is your teenager lazy?" All signs point to yes.
- "'Worst ever' sex offender jailed." They finally busted Michael Jackson?
- "Heat blamed in a dozen deaths this week." But this man was clearly stabbed!