Monday, July 24, 2006

The Monday Grind: July 24, 2006 edition

I hope you enjoy reading. Unlike the Daily Chronicle (which overwhelmed me), I have an entire week's worth of tasty links from the best sites on the web. Just bloggin' with my best buds.
  • Progressive Boink is back, shaking you all night long. Here is Mike's article on Nintendo's "White Knuckle Scorin'" soundtrack.

    • Turtle... of course! Koopas are part turtle. CSN is using these lyrics to paint a new picture... one of a koopa troopa double agent who wants to distract us from the upcoming insane gas tax by embedding himself into our lives. He tells a terrible sob story of how his home has been destroyed to make way for a paved highway. We wouldn't want to let such a tragedy happen for no reason, so get out on that stretch of road in your VW hippy van, & drive as much as possible! Guzzle that gas, for the sake of the poor, homeless turtle's feelings!

  • Are you your own damn blog? Because Charlie D. at I Am My Own Damn Blog is his own damn blog. Click here to read his Black Man's Guide to Cosplay. What is cosplay? Take it away, Charlie!

    • For the uninitiated, cosplay is a word which comes from the Latin cosplare, or "to dress up as one's favorite fictional character and go to an anime convention and never have sex in one's life."

  • Something Awful has a classy guide of classiness entitled "Doctor Dating's Official Guide to Not Dying Alone." That site sure is something awful! RDRR.

    • What many people fail to realize is that relationships, for the most part, require another person. Meeting these people, or "persons," requires a trip to the outside world. In fact, ninety percent of all research done outside Alabama says that most future life mates are found outside the home! "But Doctor Dating," you say in your thin, reedy, high-pitched voice, "I go to the grocery store once a week and to the library once a month to rent silent movies! And yet the dudes/babes are nowhere to be found!" Friend, it looks like you have not heard of Doctor Dating's "hot spots."

  • With the forthcoming success of Will Ferrel's "Talladega Nights" talkie, Cracked thinks that more celebrities will be breaching the subject of sports. Tell us something, Cracked.

    • The world of duckpin bowling has become a seedy underground of drugs, gambling, prostitution and intense competition. Only one man, semi-retired bowler and martial arts hobbyist Tommy Freeze (Steven Seagal), can clean up the sport and take it back from the organized crime bosses who have overtaken it. Freeze learns the true meaning of teamwork with the help of a plucky sidekick, the do-ragged Killa Badd Dogg Killa (Ja Rule).

  • Speaking of Cracked, they have a special guest appearance by Jared the Subway Douche, douchin' it up on the ol' douchebox.

    • Anyway, the thirty pounds or so of processed meats that I drilled didn't fix the acidity in my blood, and I kept on wiggin' out. As a joke, I took a loaf of fresh baked bread and pointed it like a gun at my hostage, a giant, savory ham. Unfortunately, the bread was actually a semi-automatic pistol, which I had somehow obtained in one of my preliminary scuffles with the fuzz, and the ham was a six year old girl named Emily, which I must have grabbed when I finished all the turkey and roast beef.

  • Just yesterday afternoon I was thinking, "Hey, I hope The Jay writes some hilarious Superhero Online Dating Profiles." And guess what? They probably did.

    • About Me: I’m just your average guy. I like the city. I like to go to school. I’m a pretty good photographer. Sometimes I shoot spider webs out of my wrists. It’s, you know, normal stuff. Also, I’m pretty strong. I do pilates.

  • Hey Marvin! Do you like stuff with the word "dig" in it? Well, so does the Warehouse, and they have the top five of them! Yeah, for serious!

    • Not only is Digger the Dermatophyte the dastardly spokesperson (spokes-infection? spokes-monster?) for the prescription only anti-foot-fungus treatment Lamisil, he's also freaking disgusting. The star in one of the most stomach turning commercials we at theWAREHOUSE have ever had the displeasure of viewing, Digger can regularly be seen yanking off toenails and scraping flesh off of humans. Way to go, Lamisil.

  • Mystie from Crown Combo is rockin' the mic tonight and every night at Woody Woodcox' Family Dining Establishment assuming that I'm not making that up (and I am). Also, she's posting a frequently-updated guide to McDonalds' Pirates of the Caribbean happy meal toys. Enjoy.

    • Permission to board! The first prize ye be gettin' is this fancy Pirates of the Caribbean cap. It be bright crimson like the blood flowing should ye find yerself on the wrong end of me sword! I be buckling my swash ter fight off the scurvy naives after me head wear. Ye better be catching yer Z's with this on, lest the crew snatch it right off yer head, scalp ye, and slit yer throat all the same!
WHEW! Commercial break! TEN CENT POGS!

And we're back.
  • Cracked is a constant source of amusement, and so they have about ninety articles in this post alone. Here is the article about the lost calls to the TBS Funny Hotline.

    • Caller: Hello, TBS. I’m driving in my car around southern Alabama. It’s really dark here and I can’t see so good. All of a sudden a little mulatto boy jumps in front of my Tahoe. I swerved, but still got him real good. He’s alive and twitching all over the road. I just can’t stop laughing, but I have to know if it’s actually funny.

  • I Am My Own Damn Blog hoppin' in on the Week-In-Review fad like there's no tomorrow.

    • I convinced George Bush that science is bad: This was an easy one. Although you won't hear about it in the mainstream, liberal press or the Jew York Times, George Bush was all set to forget vetoing the stem cell research bill. He realized that he was probably going to create enough backlash from the veto to hand Congress to the Dems in November, and was going to suck it up and deal. Now, I couldn't let the liberals kill all of those innocent children. So, I had to convince the President that science and technology are evil.

  • Hello, is this The Jay? I was wondering if you could tell me how bland Orlando Bloom is, please and thank you!

    • So just how bland is Orlando Bloom, really? Blander than brown rice? Blander than Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House? Blander than the color beige? I tried to put his blandness into words, but found myself uncharacteristically speechless. I tried to compare him to more charismatic actors, but that doesn’t seem fair to the other actors. So in need of a way to properly chart Orlando’s total bland-osity, I created the first ever Pop Culture Scale of Bland***. And just like Pirates 2 is storming the box office, good ‘ole Legolas stormed the Bland chart.

  • Cracked gives the "Rick James" sketch a little too much credit in their "Top 11 Chappelle's Show Moments" list. Did I mention all 11 sketches are watchable for free? Go.

    • In the introduction to this sketch, Chappelle observes that it’s no wonder why black people are always getting kicked off of MTV’s The Real World. If they did the opposite and put a white person in a house full of the craziest black people they could find, that white person wouldn’t fair so well either. The sketch uses the chubby white guy from Best Week Ever to determine what happens when people start getting mad real.
      HIGHLIGHT: Charlie Murphy brings a hilarious authenticity to his ex-con, like when he insists that his roommate pee sitting down and conducts the most convincing prison shivving this side of Attica.
      CATCHPHRASE OVERUSED BY WHITE PEOPLE: “Katie had some big ass tit-tays.”

  • The MW Blog has a thing for model Keeley Hazell. So do I.

    • HAZELL: "I haven't had the best relationships in the world…"

      That's so strange! Neither have I! See, already, we have so much in common. It's like we went to high school together or something! Hey, do you like ice cream? I like ice cream too! What are the chances?!?

Gotcha suckaz! Now get back to work!

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