The Daily Chronicle: Wednesday, 7-5-2006

• "Hot ice cream comes with warning." WARNING: IT IS SUGAR MILK!
  
  
• BEAR ATTACK! A bear in Tahoe ate pizza and got drunk on beer. This bear must die for its sins against humanity.
  
  
• MAD COW ATTACK! Mad Cow disease has been found for the sixth time in Canada. Maybe if we just stopped eating them they wouldn't be so mad all the time.
  
  
• Keira Knightly tells the world she is not anorexic. Then she runs to the bathroom and vomits, smiling at her word games.
  
  
• Korea "test-fired" seven missiles into the ocean yesterday. The world will know the real truth when a giant, Kryptonite continent erupts.
  
  
• Some Americans are pushing for a simpler spelling. In 1984 they call that doubleplusgood newspeak.