- A man is being forced to pay one buffalo and one pig for committing bigamy. Consider this a warning: next time we take your mistress.
- "Kids getting 'thinspiration' from dangerously skinny stars." News reporters getting paid for horrible puns.
- BEAR ATTACK! Boo the Grizzly Bear escaped, but returned of his own volition four days later. I want to be the one to pull the trigger on this crazy bear myself!
- Scientists say they've created mice out of sperm-like stem cells. However, I know the truth about those mousefuckers.
- Mikhail Gorbechev claims that Americans have a "severe disease." 'Scuse me, Mikhail, but we aren't the ones with enormous marks on our heads.
- KANGAROO ATTACK! The fossils of 20-million-year-old "killer kangaroos" have been found in Australia. In retaliation, Australia is readying its nuclear arsenal to rid the world of these "kangaroos."
- Pope Jean Paul II's death cost the Vatican over nine million dollars. To be fair, eight million of that went to prostitutes.