The Daily Chronicle: Tuesday, July 11, 2006

• A Texas woman will not be allowed to run as "Grandma" on the state's Governor ballots. As a compromise, they will allow her to run as "Saggytits."
  
  
• A 26-year-old Canadian performed the ultimate trade feat, starting with a paper clip and ending with a house in fourteen barters. A quick glance in my desk drawer shows I'm the next Donald Trump.
  
  
• Sudan is the world's most dangerous place for children, according to some. According to others, it is probably more dangerous in a three-thousand degree incinerator full of poisonous emus.
  
  
• "Mushroom Drug Produces Mystical Experience." Yes, somebody got paid to research and write this article.
  
  
• "Talcum powder abuse." For when psychodelic mushrooms just aren't mystical enough.
  
  
• "Microsoft shuts down Windows 98." Nobody notices.
  
  
• The nation's strictest illegal immigration bill was passed in Colorado. Where we need it most.
  
  
• Indian cops were called this week to investigate ghost-related disturbances. In related news, Indian cops are stupid.
  
  
• "Texas school district bans grillz." Sickening. Also sickening: seeing the world "grillz" used unironically without quotation marks.