The Daily Chronicle: Tuesday, 7-4-2006

Today we celebrate our 230th anniversary as a country. Have fun honoring your heritage Always Remembering Never Forgetting getting bombed and blowing shit up.

• "Wiener-Eating Man wins sixth straight contest." It would be polite to at least call Richard Simmons by his given name.
  
  
• "Crack found in foam of space shuttle fuel tank." When questioned, the astronauts said, "Damn bitch jezt wanna get high in space."
  
  
• A former leader of the KKK was found bloodied and beaten in Indiana. It's surely a shame when people have to face such harsh discrimination.
  
  
• Headline of the Day: "President Bush's 60th Birthday: The Historic Significance of a Milestone." Out of your systems? Good. Now that ABC.com is done fellating him, we can go back to hating him.
  
  
• The NEA is challenging the No Child Left Behind act. Apparently they would like more children to be left behind.
  
  
• A new study shows that "fat people are not more jolly." Obviously they've never seen the guy in the picture above.
  
  
• PIRATE ATTACK! Pirates pillaged and plundered a boat near Thailand this week. Disney thrilled for the cross-promotion.
  
  
• Having trouble getting pregnant? Maybe you should try boning a clown.
  
  
• The CIA shut down its unit dedicated to finding Osama bin Laden. Apparently they decided Never Remember Always Forget.

God bless America. Support our troops. God hates abortion and gays. Other bumper stickers.