Today we celebrate our 230th anniversary as a country. Have fun
- "Wiener-Eating Man wins sixth straight contest." It would be polite to at least call Richard Simmons by his given name.
- "Crack found in foam of space shuttle fuel tank." When questioned, the astronauts said, "Damn bitch jezt wanna get high in space."
- A former leader of the KKK was found bloodied and beaten in Indiana. It's surely a shame when people have to face such harsh discrimination.
- Headline of the Day: "President Bush's 60th Birthday: The Historic Significance of a Milestone." Out of your systems? Good. Now that ABC.com is done fellating him, we can go back to hating him.
- The NEA is challenging the No Child Left Behind act. Apparently they would like more children to be left behind.
- A new study shows that "fat people are not more jolly." Obviously they've never seen the guy in the picture above.
- PIRATE ATTACK! Pirates pillaged and plundered a boat near Thailand this week. Disney thrilled for the cross-promotion.
- Having trouble getting pregnant? Maybe you should try boning a clown.
- The CIA shut down its unit dedicated to finding Osama bin Laden. Apparently they decided Never Remember Always Forget.