Where does depression hurt? Everywhere.

So last night, after six months of the highest excitement I've felt in a long time, I saw Morrissey live in concert the Morrissey concert was cancelled. My buddy Chris got the tip-off from our friend John (of Gorgonites fame), who saved us a trip to Philadelphia and bundles of gas money. It'll apparently be rescheduled, but heaven knows I'm miserable now (do you see what I did there?).

During the day, I vented my extreme disappointment and depression by doing something I've been pondering for months. I bought a Nintendo DS Lite ($129.99). And, by golly is it ever worth it. The hardware is solid, although I think I've been a little spoiled by my Wii. The Wii has functionality built into the system--the Mii channel, the Internet channel, an amazing pack-in game. The DS has none of that. You have to pay $30 for the system's Internet browser, and the only game I could have gotten packed-in was Yoshi's Island DS, which I didn't want and would have cost $25 extra.

However, obviously, the DS's functionality is a direct predecessor of the Wii. Nintendo had its eyes set on reinventing the wheel, and here is where they started. The main novelty of the thing is a touch-screen, manipulated by a pen-like stylus. Just like the Wii, my biggest fear of this system was that I'd find it awkward and leave it sitting in a corner, and I'm happy to say that isn't the case. While the stylus is a little small (larger versions sold seperately), it's intuitive and really just as simple as writing in a notepad. I won't spend too much time belaboring the hardware, as anybody who's read up on video games in the past two-and-a-half years knows about the DS.

Brain Age ($19.99) is a game that promises to "Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day!" through arithmetic tests, word games, memory challenges, and more. Sounds like school, you're saying; but keep in mind, you're saying this to the guy who clips three crossword puzzles out of every daily newspaper to do in his leisure time. The games are fun, and they are played entirely with the stylus, which is nice. You can use the Wi-Fi connection in the system to play all of the games with your DS-wielding buddies if you have them, but only if they're within broadcast range of your system.

The real treat (and the reason I picked up this game) is the little tag on the front: "SUDOKU included!" Just like the rest of America, I'm suffering from a bout of Sudoku Fever (thankfully I had already gotten the Macarena Plague out of my system). This is a fun and fairly flawless game. You write the numbers and it recognizes them (unless you're like me, in which case you're too sloppy). I've spent hours with this, and I haven't exactly had all the free time in the world. If you're the puzzle type, I'd recommend picking up this game. I already feel like I got my $20 worth.

Meanwhile, Mario Kart DS ($34.99) is amazing. Amazing. Amazing. In addition to all of its new tracks (of which there are many), the game features a "best of" from all the previous Mario Kart games--Super Nintendo's Super Mario Kart, Nintendo 64's Mario Kart 64, Game Boy Advance's Mario Kart Super Circuit, and GameCube's Mario Kart Double Dash. Each one is flawlessly reinterpreted for the DS.

I was a little hesitant about the controls--I had never played the SNES and GBA versions, and had always used the analog control stick. However, the kart-racing genre seems not to be hurt by this. The power-slide (a simple and necessary move in earlier games) is made a bit harder, as drift comes into play. This is not a bad thing, and it takes a bit of skill in both gameplay and racer selection to master the technique.

The best part, though, is the online play. Assuming that you have a wireless Internet connection available (Nintendo offers a $30 adapter, but you're better off starting a network with a wireless router), you are able to play with anybody around the world. You can pick randomly-matched Regional and Worldwide races, and if you have a friend with a DS, you can use their friend code. It's a hell of a good time, and I'd recommend it.

Anyway, I bought and played that stuff when I would have been driving to Philadelphia. With my evening, I went to Gullifty's Underground in Camp Hill, PA for a concert. Typical bar fare--dark lighting, a general selection of alcohols (I don't drink), and greasy food.

The first band (and my reason for going) was The Gorgonites (official site). I've mentioned them here, here, here, here, here, here, and there, but I'll say it again--they're a great, fun local band. Their lyrics are awfully vulgar, but mixed with their melodies, their ridiculous stageshow, and the welcome addition of a drummer, you're in for a good time. If you aren't easily offended, I'd recommend checking them out.

Next up was The Pawnshop Roses (official site), who were--according to my friend Jess--"alt rock country blues." Two of my friends left during this set, but I didn't think the band was that bad. The musicianship was good enough. I only found two or three of their songs catchy enough to nod my head, and there was no real stage presence. Each song led directly to the next, and there was no banter or even a sign of personality among the men on stage. I wouldn't walk out on their set, but I wouldn't take strides to see them again.

Headlining was The Underwater (official site), who managed to draw in quite the crowd. I was impressed by the drummer, and severely impressed that the lead singer managed to squeeze himself into a pair of pants that tight. Musicianship was all there, and they had a hell of a stage presence, working the crowd that seemed to know all of the band's lyrics. It wasn't my type of stuff, but I could see somebody leaving there having found a new favorite band. Very professional, and possibly will go big some day.

Anyway, I made it home in time to catch the second half of QuizNation, which proves that I am a terrible human being. I hope Morrissey gets well soon, because I really could have used that concert.

Is it "Eghit Ledgeg Frakes?"

WHAT?

I was going to go mini-golfing tonight, but apparently there was a torrential downpour. Instead, my friends and I went to a local coffeeshop and had delicious beverages. The java joint was called St. Thomas Roasters (Linglestown, PA).

My friend Theresa ordered the strawberry smoothie with whipped cream, and she said that it was "really good," and that it "didn't disappear right away." There is your "review" part of this review.

I ordered a large coffee--my usual--with the intention of having decaf--my usual. However, one golden name beckoned to me from its shiny urn--"Snickerdoodle."

Snickerdoodle-flavored coffee. Like the damn cookie.

Of course I had to have it. Screw the fact that I literally haven't had any caffiene in about a year and a half. I had to have cookiecoffee and I had to have it then and there.

And you know what? It was okay. It tasted like somebody sprinkled a spoonful of cinnamon into their coffeepot, although I'm sure there was some insidious something inside of that beverage. It leads me to wonder what they put into the coffee to make it so scrumptious. Did I inadvertantly drink five thousand calories? Am I going to balloon back up to 300 pounds overnight? In bikini season?

So apparently caffiene has an effect on me now. It is currently almost four in the morning and I am wide awake, shirtless, and typing a blog on the American Online Internet Web.

Bonus side effect of drug-induced insomnia! GSN (formerly called "Game Show Network," but officially shortened like KFC or ). Apparently six days a week, America gets together for two hours of joy called QuizNation.

The premise is simple. The hostess with the mostess (who, at least tonight, was former professional dancer and confirmed goddess Angelle Tymon) will ask you--the home viewer--a simple question. Then, you enter a random drawing to get yer voice heard on live television as you mangle the answer by sending a $0.99 text message to the requisite number, or if you're not retarded I guess you could enter for free at the GSN website.

What's that? Don't have a cell phone to send a text message? That's okay. The host will frequently clarify that you can easily use your mom's cellular telephone at one in the morning to make the text-message equivalent of a 1-900 number. For reals. It's like Soupy Sales telling kids to send him their parents' "funny green pieces of paper," except without the cleverness. And you can enter up to ten times a night! That's a lot of dough!

The whole thing is like phone sex, except instead of an erection you get a shot at hundreds of fabulous dollars.

I choose erection.

The whole game show was insanely stupid, of course. Angelle cracking wise about the Tootsie Pops Owl (for reals). Questions like "READ TO US THIS VANITY LICENSE PLATE FROM AUSTRALIA: GDAM8." But then it hit me.

THIS IS GENIUS.

I immediately tried my hand at entering the live competition. I had to try spending a dollar on a text message. Because Angelle's come-hither eyes told me to, and I didn't want her to go without dinner (and/or sexwithme) tomorrow. After that failed attempt, I logged onto the GSN website and spammed every telephone number currently in this house in my attempts to get an entry. My house phone. My cell phone. My parents' cell. My brother's cell. His wife's cell. The fax machine. That second line that we used to use for Internets but then we had it disconnected because some guy named "Q" kept making collect calls to us from prison.

The funniest thing is that the vast majority of "contestants" got the extremely simple questions wrong. Here we go. I'm entered in the contest. Question: "Top Five Movies starting with the letter 'E' from an informal poll" turned up the obvious E.T. The Extraterrestrial, but also such classic hits as Epic Movie (my votes for movies with integrity like El Cid and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind immediately went down the chute).

So I was left without solid answers and three spots to fill. I realized there was no way that I would get the right answers if I did actually get on the show, so I planned on going for the comedy third option--voting for Ernest movies across the board. Ernest Saves Christmas. Ernest Goes to Africa. Ernest Eats a Huckleberry.

But Sweet Angelle was getting frustrated. We've been on this stupid, stupid question for over an hour and nobody would get the remaining answers. So the crew at the show essentially give the answers to the audience, essentially handing the lucky caller $500 a pop to get the words right. The scrambled names obviously came out to Eight Legged Freaks, Eurotrip, and Ever After (which helped constitute the worst top-five movies list I've ever seen in my entire life). Needless to say, another fifteen minutes passed and none of the redneck callers got the answers correct.

I will be spending every night of my week watching this ridiculous show and trying to win thirty bucks.

Some favorite YouTube clips of Quiznation: Angelle dances like a Ninja Turtle, Angelle doesn't realize they are back from a commercial break.

Then Let's Make a Deal came on and I got bored. Tomorrow: I see Morrissey in concert Sorry for the ramble.

What makes a Peep a Peep?

What is it that makes a Marshmallow Peep so darn peepy? Is it the shape? No. It is that they are marshmallows with sugar stuck to them. Then how can Marshmallow Peeps Lollipop Rings and Marshmallow Peeps Chick and Bunny Candy bear that wonderful name?

I got these candies from inside of an enormous plastic Peep over Easter. The container holds three bags of Chick and Bunny Candy, one Lollipop Ring, and a strip of Marshmallow Peeps stickers.

The Lollipop Rings are similar to Ring Pops, except all fruit flavor is excluded. Instead, we are left with a hard piece of candy that tastes like pure sugar. The consistency is the same as your traditional lollipop. If you bite it, it will splinter and potentially cut your mouth. The Peeps 'pop is smaller than, say, a Ring Pop, and it is in an awkward shape that is not conducive to sucking. In fact, because it's so small it's almost impossible to get it into an adult-sized mouth. Is it good? Yeah. But you might as well go for a lollipop that has a specific flavor. Or just eat a packet of sugar.

The Chick and Bunny Candy has exactly the same flavor as the Lollipop Ring. It's the consistency that's different. Think of them as SweetTarts without the Tart. You take a bite and you're left with a mouth full of grainy candy. Not good, but they seemed a little more snackable than the Lollipop Rings, probably because of their size and plenitude.

You'd be hard pressed to find a more run-of-the-mill candy. Look elsewhere.

Go to CrownCombo for Mystie's much-more-satisfied review.
Pictures taken from GroovyCandy and i-Mockery via Google Image Search.

Six-Word Reviews

I'm just about graduated from college, and I'll never be looking back. I'm slacking. I'm slacking at school work, and I'm slacking at this website. Here are a bunch of six-word reviews of things that I've seen/played/read/done this week.


MOVIES

Casino Royale (2006): Still the best Bond movie ever.
Belle & Sebastian: Fans Only (2004): Insightful look into a happy-ass band.
The Smiths: The Complete Picture (1992): Made me feel gay, but good.
Uncle Saddam (2003): A joke documentary with little humor.
Morrissey: Oye Esteban (2000): A testament to a pop genius.
Morrissey: Who Put the M in Manchester? (2005): Awe inspiring live performance, partially shirtless.
The Bourne Identity (2002): Lost some luster after Casino Royale.
The Bourne Supremacy (2004): Enjoyable and better than the first.
Baghdad Bob (2003): Funny documentary about Iraqi Information Minister.


VIDEO GAMES

Trauma Center: Second Opinion (2006, Wii): Good use of controls, boring story.
Wii Play (2007, Wii): Multiplayer fun with a free controller!
Snoodoku (2005, PC): Sudoku with brilliant interface, weird monsters.


BOOKS

The Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox (2006): Hilarious bathroom reading from Internet mainstay.


EVENTS

Literary reading by authors Silas Zobal and Catherine Dent: Beautifully sad stories by married writers.


FOOD

Marshmallow GREEN Peeps (March 2007): Extremely soft and fresh--new color.
Marshmallow Peeps Snowmen (December 2006): Halfway stale, but softened in microwave.
Marshmallow Peeps Orange-Flavored Eggs (March 2007): An amazing flavor, like a Creamsicle.
Marshmallow Peeps Strawberry Hearts (February 2006): Not hard at all, but tasty.
Marshmallow Peeps Vanilla Hearts (February 2006): Not too different from regular Peeps.


TELEVISION

Survivor (Thursday 3-22-07): Rocky says the word--Anthony's gone.
Scrubs (Thursday 3-22-07): Nurse Roberts? Say it ain't so!
Andy Barker, PI (Thursday 3-22-07): After weak premiere, episode shows promise.
The Amazing Race (Sunday 3-25-07): Ugh! Midget in first; elderly gone.
Prison Break (Monday 3-26-07): Tension ratcheting up; season finale near.
24 (Monday 3-26-07): Mentally retarded terrorist? A new low.
Lost (Wednesday 3-28-07): Paolo's death was worth the wait.
South Park (Wednesday 3-28-07): 24 parody outdoes the real 24.

Hope that was as enlightening for you as it was time-killing for me.

One year gone.

You know what? It's been a year since I started Robot Hand is the Future. I started out writing about news, and got into writing reviews and articles. But you know what? I've really lost focus of what this thing is all about. There's been a presence on this page that I haven't even mentioned in something like ten months.



What's goin' on, little guy?

I love Marshmallow Peeps. I really mean it. If I could marry them, I'd--let me rephrase that. If there were a proper orifice on their cute, pastel bodies, I would make sweet marshmallow love to them.

So in addition to my super-awesome reviews, I'm going to throw my focus back on Peeps for a bit. I've built up such a huge collection of Peeps that I literally am running out of room. Because of that, I have decided to break into them and do the right thing--eat them. They're all stale and hard and good and wonderful.

Today's Peep:

Marshmallow Peeps Spooky Cats, vintage 2006.

These were bought in September 2006. They were opened and consumed in March of 2007.

Pertinent info: Serving size is 4 cats. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are not vegan because they contain gelatin in their ingredients. Gelatin is made of horses' hooves. The more you know. Marshmallow Peeps Spooky Cats are not a significant source of fiber, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium, or iron, but they are a significant source of tasting good.

This is the Mohs Scale of Peep Hardness. The lower the number, the fresher and squishier the Peep is. These Peeps were just about in the middle--a 3.5. They were chewy and malleable, much like a real cat.



The Spooky Cats are plain, white, Peeps marshmallow, covered with a blackish sugar. The eyes and whiskers are white.

I've never been the type to make claims that different colored foods taste different. I have friends that swear to this day that M&Ms each have their own, distinct flavors. These friends are assholes. Still, there was something a little "off" about my Spooky Cats. I'd imagine it has something to do with the black coloring included in the package. My mom tells me that black decorating color tastes bad. My mom also tells me that touching myself is sinful. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME HAVE FUN, MOM?

I ate these in any number of ways. Regular-style, they were chewy. Frozen, they were magnificent and textural. Microwaved for about fifteen seconds and they were poofed up and good. Tasted just like a toasted marshmallow. Microwaved for thirty seconds and OH SHIT.



Spooky Cat...we hardly knew ye. This is a scan of the package. Good day.



Here's to another year of Robot Hand is the Future, and here's to many, many more decades of Marshmallow Peeps variations for me to scan.

Love,
Spoodles

Indulge your senses

I was walkin' down the street yesterday minding my own business when all of a sudden...



WHAT THE HELL?

That's right. It's Pepsi's newest addition to their upscale "Pepsi Jazz" line of colas. Diet Pepsi Jazz: Caramel Cream.

I love Pepsi. I love jazz. I love caramel. I love cream. However, all together in one glass? Blasphemy! Was there really somebody somewhere that said, "I would really like my soda to taste more like sugar?"

Pertinent information: Serving Size: 8 fl. oz. Calories: 0. Fat: 0. Sodium: 25mg. I think it's vegan, but it certainly isn't natural. Includes aspartame (better known as Nutrasweet), which has been known to cause brain damage in emus during laboratory testing.

When I approach a new soda, I approach it like a fine wine. First, you pour it into your stemmed goblet of choice. Then you grab it by the bottom, like a frou-frou. Then, you waft. Wave your hand over the soda, brushing the delicate scent into your nostrils. Do you smell it yet?

No?

Then just dig yer damn nose in there. It smells like some sick mixture of caramel and cola, I'll give them that.

I'll be honest with you: it's been years since I've actually had caramel. When it comes to candy, I have to watch it. I used to be 300 lbs, and candy was my weakness. I used to be able to choke back five full-size candy bars in one sitting. Still, I think I remember the taste of caramel fairly well. And you know what? They've really captured it with this soda. Of course, half the fun of caramel is the gooiness and consistency, but the flavor is all here.

The best caramel is sweet and buttery with a hint of salt thrown in. What better place to convey that flavor than soda, which is swimming in sweeteners, artificial flavors, and sodium? It's all there, and it works surprisingly well. We've already had vanilla colas to varying degrees of success. Is chocolate too far behind? I used to loves me a Chocolate Coke at the soda fountain back in the fifties.

NEW FEATURE: Packaging Gallery

For some food reviews, I'll be including a gallery of the labels (my own pictures...who'da thunk?).

Tubular Twizzlers Tweeterz, Terrence!

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the candy section and shaking my head. And why? Limited Edition candies, of course.

The candy companies have been releasing the things for years and years, of course, but slapping the words “Limited Edition” on them is a fairly recent phenomenon. We used to call it “test marketing to see if people will actually buy the new, shitty product.” Hershey’s Kisses come in any variety of flavors, for instance. Chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel filled, cream filled, peanut butter filled, cordial cherry filled, coconut cream filled, almond filled, dulce de leche filled, toffee filled, chocolate truffle filled, orange flavored, strawberry flavored, mint flavored. It’s fucking ridiculous. When I was a kid, we ate Hershey’s Kisses in one exciting flavor: milk chocolate. And you know what? Nobody ever once thought to say "this flavor is not good enough and I would like a wide variety of shitty flavors from which to choose." There’s absolutely no reason for them to keep releasing more and more crap.

If they do, though, I have some suggestions that could make me very rich. Key Lime flavored Kisses. Flavor that bad boy with cinnamon! Hershey’s kisses filled with marshmallow! Or maybe a seasonal variant that is filled with pumpkin pie filling (or chunks of candy cane). Expand into the other varieties of nuts: pecans, peanuts, hazelnuts, whatever. Put pretzels in there, and potato chips. Hell, even cheese doodles. Crunchy cookies. Nougat. Whatever the hell it is that’s inside of a Butterfinger. Rice krispies, or any other cereal for that matter! Salt water taffy! Molasses! Maple syrup! Honey! All of your favorite jams and jellies! Oh, cheesecake! Fat people love cheesecake! Coffee beans (or at least coffee flavoring). You’ve already hit orange and strawberry: now go with banana. Pineapple! Grape! Get some mixed berries in there. Apple pie filling? Certainly! I think Hershey’s owns Twizzlers: start coating those things in Kisses. Licorice of any sort will do, really. I bet they could buy out Pop Rocks for surprisingly little. Throw ‘em in! Charms seemed to have some success with their Blow Pops. Maybe it’s time to stick some bubble gum in there (in a variety of flavors, of course). And why stop at that? Fill them with essential nutrients and put them next to the Flintstones vitamins on the shelf. Or put toothpaste in there and use them as an alternative to brushing your teeth. Or sell them in your grocer’s freezer with bits of precooked meat in there! Or eggs! And of course, with that comes the vegetarian alternatives: chocolate coated soy meat and the like. Can you imagine the possibilities? Chocolate isn’t enough for today’s consumer. They need to supplement it with some bizarre and off-the-wall filling that has no right being involved with a delicious sweet. I’d be rolling in the dough (which reminds me: cookie dough!) if I worked for Hershey’s corporation. I’m sure there are tons more! Those are just the ideas I came up with while I was waiting in line at the checkout. Give me more time, Hershey’s!

But really, that's neither here nor there. I'm here to talk about Twizzlers' seasonal variant, Twizzlers Tweeterz. My sample came from Easter 2006, so there is no guarantee that you'll ever see these things on the shelves again. However, luck may be on your side as a Google Search turns up results for a Halloween package that includes orange and grape varieties.

Tweeterz are bits of Twizzlers-brand candy (I hesitate to say licorice because the only true licorice is the tasty black stuff). The bluebird on the package is wishing you a happy Easter, unaware that you'll be eating its eggs well into the next year. In fact, by the time this review is posted, 2007's Easter candy may already be on shelves.

FAST FOOD FACTS: Serving Size: 24 tweeterz. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are entirely vegan.

The Easter version of Twizzlers Tweeterz come in three fruity flavors: cherry (red), strawberry (pink), and blue raspberry (blue). Chances are that you know exactly what two of the three of these taste like. Cherry and Strawberry are two of Twizzlers' classic flavors. Blue raspberry tastes like neither blueberry (which is not raspberry) nor raspberry (which is not blue). It tastes almost exactly the same as its red cherry brethren. The candy coating adds absolutely nothing to the treat. If the shell is also fruit-flavored, I'm unable to tell. It's almost certainly pure sugar, adding nothing but almost-sickening sweetness to the equation.

So what does that leave you with? Little bits of Twizzlers. I wouldn't pick these up if I were you, because Twizzlers are best enjoyed in whip form.

Gummy Rabbit: the other white meat

My previous run-in with gummies--the dreaded Wolfgang's Gummy Bears--was slightly less than palatable, so I was eager to get my teef' on some real and tasty gummy treats. I cracked open another bag from the same era (April 2006--a very good vintage). Will they be as terrifying?

The product of the day is a bulk candy product. They are Gummy Bunnies, and they were procured at Weaver Nut Co., an Amish-run company in Ephrata, Pennsylvania (which also happens to be home to a fabulous bakery--try their whoopie pies)..

FAST FOOD FACTS! Serving size: 7 bunnies. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. The ingredients are not listed on my package, but I would imagine there is gelatin in these, making them a poor option for the smart vegan shopper.

I'm not certain how accurate this nutritional label is. The similarly sized Wolfgang Gummy Bears were a whole lot less in the calorie department. Then again, the Wolfgang Gummy Bears sucked balls.

These gummies come in what seems to be two different shapes--a floppy-eared bunny and a straight-eared bunny. They are soft and aesthetically pleasing (take THAT, Wolfgang!). But are they tasty?

There are six different colors. Green, orange, blue, white, yellow, and purple. There seemed to me to be some differences in flavor, but not enough to actually tell which flavor is which. If I had to guess, I would say the following: Green is apple, orange is orange, blue is blueberry, white is pineapple, yellow is lemon, and purple is grape. The only flavor distinctive enough to know for sure was the pineapple, which was a bit stronger.

That's not to say they're bad. Just hard to differentiate. The general flavor seems to be "fruity" and I can deal with that. They're not so tough that you can't comfortably chew them. They're not the greatest gummies I've ever tasted (what was I expecting with bulk candy?) but they certainly were tasty.

LINKS: Weaver Nut Co.

My Marzipan Joy Joys!

Here's one of them food-related treats I've never tried before. Marzipan (from Silver Lake Cookie Co.)! The package is modeled after a fruit basket, and each bit of marzipan is shaped like a different kind of fruit.

I've always been curious to find out what marzipan is (although never curious enough to taste it, I suppose). Turns out, it's a sort of Middle Eastern almond paste fashioned into a miniature cake of sorts. Wikipedia lists a lot of its incarnations and assorted uses, but I will not be trying them. Oh, heavens no!

Fast food facts: Serving size: 1 piece. Calories: 50. Fat: 1g. This treat does meet vegan requirements.

Hey, I figure as a one-time thing, I can break my "no-fat candy" bond. Oh, the things I do for this blog. It's not like a chocolate bar, which is jam-packed, so those of you that are less picky than me should have no problem with the paltry single gram of fat.

My sample piece is the orange one pictured top-center above. From the top, it resembles a real fruit. However, all of the pieces of marzipan are flat and off-white on the bottom, like a cookie. According to expert opinions from my family, who also sampled the marzipan, none of the fruits have different flavors. The decoration is entirely for show.

The sweet is slightly spongy, but not so soft that it doesn't crack when squeezed too hard. The odor of the marzipan is interesting, and unlike anything I've smelt before. It has a sort of bitter aroma. It's not particularly appealing, but it's not entirely off-putting either.

My first thought when biting into the marzipan was of a sugar cookie. The flavor, at least, is very reminiscent. The texture is much smoother and chewier than any fresh-made cookie. There is a clear nutty flavor that distinguishes itself after the sweet disappears, which makes sense because almonds are the second ingredient. It is also fruity, and another look at the ingredient list shows that apricots and coconut oil are utilized in the creation of the treat.

All in all, I'd definitely recommend marzipan to the candy enthusiast. It certainly satisfies the sweet tooth, and is oddly filling as well. My mother and sister would be of a different opinion--ranging from lukewarm to negative. However, since this is my blog, you have to listen to me and not them. Deal with it. I can't say that I'll make marzipan a regular part of my candy diet (due to the fat content, some of which is saturated), but it certainly was a tasty deviation from the norm.

Google searching for marzipan turned up marzipan babies! Disturbing!



Link: Silver Lake Cookie Co.

The original candy wafer!

MORE CANDY NOW!

Okay. I took a look and a taste at Necco Wafers. These are not dissimilar to the Conversation Hearts made available around Valentine's Day every year, except the Wafers are more manageable and don't seem as irritating to chew. As an added bonus, your hands get covered in a thick coat of white dust that will haunt the front of your jeans for days to come (assuming you're like me and don't do a whole lot of laundry).

In fact, the similarity to Conversation Hearts is no coincidence. According to my Uncle Wikipedia, they were both invented by the same company around the same time on the same machine (probably by the same, lonely guy).

Fast facts! Serving size: 3 wafers. Calories: 15. Fat: 0g. This is not a vegan treat because it lists gelatin among its ingredients.

I have a sort of emotional attachment to the Wafers that preclude me from making any clear and unbiased judgment on the matter. These were one of my grandma's staple candy dish foods, and when I was a kid I'd sneak and sneak and sneak the things until it was empty, far sooner than I'm sure she'd planned.

Yellow is lemon-flavored, green is lime-flavored, and orange is orange-flavored. The fruit wafers taste similar to the respective Conversation Hearts flavors, in that they don't have a particularly natural flavor but still remind you of the fruit for some vague reason. Another simulacrum is Pez, which is a little stronger but similarly flavored.

Pink is wintergreen, and tastes fairly similar to the same flavor of Lifesavers, but once again a little less potent. White is cinnamon, and it's not very strong. In fact, until thinking about it right now, I can't say I've ever noticed that the flavor was cinnamon. I would prefer the white flavor to be a little closer to the "Red-Hots" taste, although all of the Necco Wafers have subtle flavors and it might throw off the balance to have a lasting aftertaste.

Purple is clove. I don't know what cloves taste like, but I know that I enjoy this particular flavor of Necco Wafer quite a bit. Black is licorice, which is a personal favorite taste of mine. Unfortunately, however, Necco does not do the flavor complete justice. It's plenty strong (in that it remains on your taste buds), but not particularly potent. Brown (chocolate, of course), is my favorite flavor, and simultaneously it seems to be the rarest in the roll. Thanks a lot, Necco. It tastes similar to a Tootsie Roll, so it's a very artificial chocolate taste that still manages to be very appealing. It's also probably the strongest flavor of the bunch, remaining in your mouth for several minutes after chompage.

Everybody seems to complain that the Conversation Heart, and by association the Necco Wafer, is chalky. This is in reference not only to the dust left on the consumer's hand, but also by the unique texture of the candy itself. It's true. The worst part of a Necco Wafer is biting into it, as the feeling it gives your teeth is jarring. However, this wasn't a deciding factor in my enjoyment of the candy, and instead relegated itself to a brief dental shock when I started the pack.

All eight flavors are recognizable for the most part, but they are also very subtle. If you go into a pack of Necco Wafers without thinking (like I have many times in the past), you might not notice a difference at all. This is not a discredit to the brand--instead, it shows that you can have candy this disparate (mint, fruit, and spice all in one) and still have it be complimentary. I would recommend Necco Wafers for an extremely low calorie candy treat (or for a communion substitute).

Link: Necco

"The taste is completely different from a gummy bear, yet somehow familiar"

In my increasing efforts to branch out from my ever-multimedia-saturated posting, I've decided to also review things that take shorter to digest (er...ingest). Food. And what better way to start than sweet, delicious candy? And what better candy than...

Gummy bears! Specifically, Wolfgang Gummy Bears! I got these puppies (not really puppies) on Easter 2006. They came from a fundraiser catalog. The only candy I eat nowadays is of the fat-free variety, so gummy treats and marshmallow-based substances make up the bulk of my snack-food empire. Bears are, of course, the classic gummy shape, but probably the least fun. Nowadays you can get gummies in all different sorts of shapes, from the also-classic worms to human organs.

Pertinent facts: Serving size: 18 bears. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. This is not a vegan product, as it contains gelatin and beeswax in its ingredients.

The colors of these bears were red, clear, green, orange, and yellow. The flavors were difficult to distinguish, but a quick scan of Wikipedia would indicate that the flavors are raspberry, pineapple, strawberry, orange, and lemon respectively.

I can't say I was particularly pleased with these gummies. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I left my bears unopened from the day I received them in April until a point in mid-December, but the bears were coated in some sort of white, crusty dust. Additionally, they were stiff and chewy. The flavors were difficult to distinguish. All in all, these bears were bupkus.

I think, though, that it was not age that made these candies poor. I have a separate bag of gummies I received on the exact same day (made by a different company, natch), and there is no evidence of white dust through the clear package. Additionally, light squeezing proves that the alternate gummies remain squishy and chewy, as opposed to tough. Instead, my guess is that Wolfgang has a recipe for their gummies that provides for longer shelf/shipping/storage life at the expense of the product's quality.

There are certainly better gummy bears out there, so avoid Wolfgang's at all costs if you're in the mood.

Link: Wolfgang Candy