Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Busting the Hump gets more and more Halloweeny every Wednesday

Because all of these sites be doin' daily updates, I'm going to arrange today's Wednesday Grind a little differently. Also, what the hell? I have six hours of classes today and I'm wasting my time blogging when I could very easily be sitting around touching myself inappropriately.

  • Wade Boggs updates Wade Bloggs! with all sorts of wade-boggs-ery.

    • i closed my eyes and i wished and i wished and i wished as hard as i knew how. the next thing you know, baby jesus came down and lo he said: "thou art a special child, wade boggs. in the future you will inspire millions of children and become a major league hall of famer. with the power vested in me, i hereby grant you the superpower of invisibility and all of the perks that go with it."

  • brings you Halloween in all of its spooky glory.

    • Frankenstein's Monster--the Atari 2600 game that actually calls the creature by its actual designation. It's enough to make an English major swoon.

      • Frankenstein's Monster wasn't a great game, but it had enough nuances to make players only realize that halfway. Upon hearing the title, many would assume one of two things: Either the players portrayed Frankenstein's Monster, or they fought him as some kind of boss character late in the game on a level that's impossible to get to. Neither assumptions are true. What Frankenstein's Monster has going for it is its copious amounts of Frankenstein's Monster sightings. He's with you every step of the way, and not because you're portraying him. No, this was a chance to scratch away the creature's once-prevalent sympathy card, and either kill or be killed by it. Finally, an evil Frankenstein's Monster!

    • Matt also looks at a bit of the tasty stuff--Halloween candy.

      • With 75 candy bars inside, the "Grave Bandit" contains enough chocolate for many us to cover all of the trick-or-treaters who'd come-a knockin' on our doors. Using it for this purpose is a great way to identity the assholes who try knocking for treats multiple times. If you pop the box open in their faces and they don't emote when it starts screeching, you'll know that they've seen it before. And then it's legal to punch them.

  • iMockery also enjoys the Halloweeniness of it all.

    • For all y'all model-makin' geeks, you can make some Mutant Freaks.

      • Flawless. For the Fish Face, the kid appears to be amazed by the fact that he was able to pull it off. "Can you believe I did this? It's so rad!" For the Bearded Beast, he's clearly impressed with just how weird 'n wacky it turned out. "Get a load o' this funky fella! Am I right or what!?" They clearly chose the right kid to go with for the promotion of these things. I'm pretty sure it was his expressions that sold me on the toys. Well, that and the fact that it was only five bucks for the whole shebang.

    • Greatest Horror Movie Moment from Kingdom of the Spiders!

      • The Baron's reaction to the spiders is one of the most priceless moments ever captured on film. His scream is, without a doubt, the most effeminate high shrill ever to be produced by a male's vocal chords. And you'll have a chance to hear it in a moment. But first, I must show the inevitable result of his hissy fit...

    • More candycandycandycandycandy. Candy.

      • The Skull & Bones Sweet Tarts are definitely my favorite of the bunch because the candies are actually shaped differently. Sure, it's great when a company changes the packaging of their candy to reflect the Halloween season, but it's even better when they actually change the shape of the candy into something more spooky. The candy of course tastes the same, but come on, who doesn't enjoy eating candy skulls and bones?

  • Cracked is apparently uninterested in the upcoming holiday of Halloween.

    • The worst of many Anti-Drug public service announcements.

      • Probably the most famous of all anti-drug PSAs, this ad has a tone of gruff condescension that always felt a little unearned. After making what is at best a muddled metaphor, the voiceover guy says “any questions” in a way that implies that if you do have questions, he’s going to punch you in the mouth. Well, actually, since you’re asking, we do have a question: what the fuck do you have against fried eggs, man? I mean, they’re certainly better than the salmonella-laced raw eggs that our brain presumably was before we fried it in the delicious sizzling butter (read: drugs).

    • Be the first in your school to get these new, "retro" tee shirts!

      • Enigmatic. Misunderstood. Hero. Who do these three words call to mind? You guessed it—the falsely confessed killer of JonBenet Ramsey, John Mark Karr. Like Che Guevara—the sexy mercenary who personally ordered hundreds of executions—Karr was a revolutionary in more ways than one. Besides single-handedly bringing back the fully buttoned polo shirt look, he also made it cool again to be a terrifyingly creepy, globe-hopping, sex-changing pedophile.

    • Some celebrities actually get turned down for Proactiv commercials. Who knew?

      • I remember I was on the set of Roseanne, and Rosie, that’s what she demanded I call her, said, 'DANNNN,' in that whiney voice of hers, and I said, 'No Rosie, it’s only Dan on the show, my real name is John.' And she was like, 'DAAAAN, get rid of those pimples or I’m going to replace you with Andrew Dice Clay,' who was a popular comedian at the time. And I said, 'But Rosie, I’ve had these pimples on my face ever since I was a child and nothing works.' And then Becky, I don’t remember which one, there were two of them, I think it was the first one, handed me this bottle of Proactive, and it changed my life forever. Now, I only have pimples on the spots above my crotch I can’t reach because my stomach is in the way. Thanks Proactive, you saved my career!

  • Scary Crayon doesn't have Halloween stuff either, but it has "Scary" in its name, so it counts.

    • An off-beat review of a tapas restaurant.

      • I found myself jolted in another way when the waitress arrived, as she was quite possibly the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in person. (Her appearance almost defies description, but imagine a taller Brenda Song with somewhat punkish hair with a slight reddish-purple tint.) In fact, I had seen her serving the women at the adjacent table and had uttered a silent prayer that she would be my server as well -- not because I derive any benefit from subjecting beautiful women to my whims, but because I wanted the experience of being close to her for even brief moments over the course of an hour.

    • Part four of his ever-continuing novel.

      • As well, even films made with monsters in mind must appeal to the human audiences, so the endings were usually made such that humans would be satisfied with them, for if they were not they could call station managers during the day and demand that the programs be pulled from the air -- and the monsters would not have the opportunity to give their second opinions and support of these shows, given that the complaint line operators only worked during the day and the monsters were fast asleep or otherwise dormant at this time. It is also worth noting that "Santa Corpse Saves Christmas" was actually created with ulterior motives, for the program was made during the Great Holiday War -- a four month-long period of bloodshed in which the monsters rose up against the humans in an effort to overtake and "spookify" the fall-winter holiday rush.

  • There are other sites on the Internet too.

    • What a surprise! Wednesday One-Liners at Overheard in New York.

      • Barmaid: I'll never feel lonely as long as someone, somewhere wants to stick it up my butt. Knowing that helps me sleep at night. Yes, sir, so long as I know that someone still wants to put it in my poop chute, I'm one happy camper.

    • The Jay loses a tiny bit of my respect because he watches Dawson's Creek. It's a good thing he has so much of it to begin with. See what he learned from The WB.

      • Not only can vampires have sex (despite not having working organs) and get pregnant (despite not having proper reproduction systems), but if you want to save time during labor, all you have to do is slay the Mommy-to-be and the vampire baby will magically appear on the bed (albeit lying in a pool of their dead mother’s ashes).

    • Retrocrush crushes things retroly, and makes a list of the best Zombie movies for those that enjoy that type of thing.

      • 8. RE-ANIMATOR (1985). Loosely based on a story by HP Lovecraft, Stuart Gordon's mixture of Frankenstein and zombie films is one of the great trashy guilty pleasures of all time. Even obvious jokes like a severed head giving head to a nubile victim works well. But damn if their blatant ripoff of the soundtrack from Psycho doesn't bug me to this day!


Wes said...

I'm not sure how long you've been at it, Spoodles -- I just stumbled across your page last week -- but thanks for keeping up with Scary-Crayon(to say nothing of the numerous plugs)!

And yeah, I don't really make it a point to celebrate Halloween extensively on the site for precisely the reason that you've implied. As Ministry says, Halloween is every day ay ay ay. :)

Anonymous said...

But dude, I ripped the show for 1200 words! Doesn't that count for anything? Can I buy back my lost respect points by telling you I watch The Shield, or something?

- The Jay