The Monday Grind

It's the first day of the week, but most of you are probably out at Labor Day celebrations, explodin' fireworks and carvin' pumpkins and trimmin' the Labor Day tree. Well, this is for those of us who practice Judaism or some other religion that does not observe Labor Day.

• X-Entertainment kicks off the Halloween season (two months early) with an article about 1991's Horror Hall of Fame special.
  
  
• Co-written and sung by Bobby "Boris" Pickett, who amazingly still performs to this day, I have to believe that Pickett's gig at The Horror Hall of Fame III was by far his most thematic. This was the real dog & pony show for the curiously off-target crowd in attendance, and Englund gives Boris the kind of introduction one might expect for the kickoff show on a Pink Floyd reunion tour. I'm not sure if the crowd would've responded with such vigor if Englund didn't ring him in like a ringer-inner who was paid 200 bucks extra to snort a pound of cocaine so he could ring people in with extra oompf.
  
  
• Also updating for Halloween: iMockery, featuring a new layout and a new article about Halloween costumes for adults.
  
  
• All you need for this clever costume is an Onion, a knife and a length of rubber hose. When you arrive at the party, take a moment alone in your car to slice the onion. Hold it under your eyes for a good long time, until you can hardly see through the tears. Now you're ready! Upon entrance, make sure to talk to your host through your tears and runny nose, then ask where the bathroom is. Once there, slip out the bathroom window, return to your car, run the hose from the exhaust pipe through a slightly cracked car window, get in the car, start the engine and kill yourself. Imagine the hilarity when someone finally discovers your corpse!
  
  
• Are you Japanese? Want to learn English? Here's how to get robbed, thanks to YouTube!
  
  
• If you're Cracked and you know it, post the five most ridiculous VMA moments in history!
  
  
• Elvis’ daughter does her father’s legacy proud by going on national TV and making out with Michael Jackson, who is dressed in catcher’s gear from the knees down for some reason. The audience practically loses their fucking heads over the kiss, proving once again that awards show audiences would cheer if Joseph Stalin took that stage and ate an entire Russian baby if they thought it was how they were expected to react.
  
  
• The Jay weighs all of the candidates against action star Jason Statham, and all fail miserably.
  
  
• Vin Diesel - Well, let’s just say that Bruce Willis never wrestled a duck in any of his action movies. And if he had, he surely would have won the fight.
  
  
• Something Awful wraps up their epic "Band Name Movies" saga in this Photoshop Friday update.
  
  
• Review the World reviews the new zombie XBox360 game, Dead Rising.
  
  
• Dead Rising has a disclaimer on the cover of the game “This game was not developed, approved or licensed by the owners or creators of George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead.” Which means it is almost an exact copy of George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead. Really, Dead Rising has nothing to do with Dawn of the Dead, except that you and a small group of people are trapped in a mall trying to survive a zombie attack.
  
  
• Like a total shithead, Cracked is there.
  
  
• Which do you think is smaller: your brain or your rod? I bet the jury’s still out, huh, Sally? You make me want to puke blood, you sorry son of a bitch. Stock is a corporation’s ownership element, usually divided into shares and represented by transferable certificates. That went right over your fat, misshapen head, didn’t it? Let’s try it in terms a halfwit moron like you would understand: Your stock has gone way down since everyone saw that video of you blowing your dog on YouTube. Make sense now, you rotten coward fuck?
  
  
• All of your favorite cartoon characters are still getting into some pretty shitty situations at Something Awful.

Just bein' randy.