Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Survivor: Honky Island

The new cast of Survivor has finally been announced, but that's not the most important aspect of this season. Each team will be divided by race. There will be a caucasian team, an African-American team, an Asian-American team, and a Latino team. Jeff Probst, the show's host, maintains that the decision to segregate the teams was not racist, but instead "adding another layer to" the "social experiment" that is Survivor.

And now it's time to meet your teams, none of which adhere to any racist stereotypes!
    • Adam: Adam is the member of a very prestigious fraternity at an Ivy League school. He enjoys "beer, women, and HALO 2." When he's not busy lifting weights or popping his collar, he attempts to make life a living hell for those nerds over at Lambda Lambda Lambda.
    • Candice: Candice is a personal trainer at a Silicon Valley gym. She enjoys power-naps, her Caddy, and speedwalking around the neighborhood in late afternoon. Candice does not eat carbs. She also has the dubious surname of "Woodcock," much to the delight of fratboy Adam.
    • Jessica: Jessica is a filthy, potsmoking hippie in dreadlocks. When she's not busy hugging trees and walking barefoot, she enjoys protesting outside of the White House and skipping showers. She did not attend college, but she did attend Woodstock '99.
    • Jonathan: Jonathan spends all day in front of the computer playing World of Warcraft and Everquest. He takes great pride in his neck-beard and greater pride in his collection of empty Mountain Dew cans. Also, he drives like this whereas black people drive like this.
    • Parvati: Parvati works at Abercrombie and Fitch, but it's not a permanent career choice. She's merely taking advantage of the employee discount before branching off into the real world, or at least until she goes tanning later today. If Parvati could take one thing on the island with her, it would be her "celly."

    • Nathan: Nathan has dreadlocks. He is very much into rastafarian music such as one Mr. Robert Marley and he smokes copious amounts of ganja. In his spare time, Nathan plays the steel drums and wears colorful shirts. Also, he has a huge penis and is good at basketball.
    • Sekou: Sekou is a jazz musician and quite a "playa" with the ladies. He is known to "tap" at least three consecutive asses after a performance. When he's not busy playing jazz music, he is belligerently starting barfights. Also, he has a huge penis and is good at basketball.
    • Rebecca: Rebecca likes to snap her fingers when she talks and waggle her head to and fro. She is the "sassy" member of the bunch, and will probably incite much drama on account of being "disrespected." Also, she has a huge penis and is good at basketball.
    • Stephannie: Stephannie is a talented R&B singer from the popular group Destiny's Child. When not embarking on a "comeback" tour with her fellow Destiny's Children, Stephannie enjoys doing her nails under a shady tree. Also, she has a huge penis and is good at basketball.
    • Sundra: Sundra is the female middleweight boxing champion of the eastern United States. When recovering from concussions, Sundra muses over the reasons why her name is spelled with a "U" instead of an "A." Also, she has a huge penis and is good at basketball.

    • Billy: Billy is an overweight drug-dealer from Columbia. He specializes in cocaine, but he recommends today's special: "a crystal meth that will make your mouth water." Billy would have made some more comments pertaining to his personality, but he nodded off with a needle in his arm.
    • Cecilia: Cecilia is a professional salsa-dancer at the club Ongo Bongo in Miami, Florida. Other talents include playing the tambourine and whipping up a mean plate of flan. She doesn't know where it went, but someday Cecilia hoped to find and pronounce the second "D" in the word "didn't."
    • Cristina: Cristina is the single mother of twelve children and waitress of two restaurants. When she's not busy smacking her gum and wearing hoop earrings, she likes to spend her time "takin' no guff" from her lousy, good-fer-nothing children and customers.
    • John: John is the owner of a small chain of taco restaurants. During working hours, he can be found in the company's home office taking a siesta. After work, he can be found at his house taking a siesta. In between he can be found eating a burrito in his beat-up 1970 Oldsmobile.
    • Oscar is a migrant farmer from sunny, southern California. His goal on Survivor is to win the million dollars so that he can "feed his starving family." His long-term life goal is to finally be able to grow a full mustache. Until then, he is content to "smoke a little weed and pick a little apples."

    • Anh-Tuan: Ahn-Tuan, aka "Cao Boi," is a nail salon manager, and oversees his many young, Oriental woman-servants with great care. He is also a master in the art of ninjitsu and could kill you from three states away with nothing but a three-inch piece of dental floss.
    • Becky: Becky is a precocious, young college student studying to become a precocious, young lawyer. Being Asian, she is of course smarter and more studious than everybody in her class, with a 4.2 GPA (extra extra credit). At 4'7", she can also fit into most overhead compartments! Would purchase again!
    • Brad: Brad is a gay hairdresser, a stereotype in and of itself. He will also do your nails for relatively cheap, although not as cheaply as Cao Boi's mini-mall workers will. Look for Brad on the street corner in a belly shirt and hotpants, offering sucky-sucky for what is sure to be a very reasonable price.
    • Jenny: Jenny is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very poor driver.
    • Yul: Yul is the butcher at a New York Chinese-food restaurant, carving dogs and cats to order. Additionally, Yul is a trained black belt in the time-honored traditions of karate and judo. He can kick a foot above his head, and he can kick your head clean off.
Survivor creator and self-proclaimed non-racist Mark Burnett went on record to apologize, saying "We're sorry that we just didn't have room for Tribe Dot-Head. Maybe next season."

I'm pretty sure this was all accurate, but please don't fact-check me on it.

1 comment:

kate said...

this. is. amazing.