The Daily Chronicle: The Weekend of August 18-21, 2006

• A Kansas teen got perfect scores on both the SAT and the ACT. It's important to note, however, that all tests in Kansas include questions like "Which-aways do you milk the cow?" and "Is yer favorite NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Yes or No?"
  
  
• There is a direct correlation between breast implants and suicide rates. Namely, if women stop getting breast implants, more men will kill themselves.
  
  
• Justin Timberlake is criticizing American Idol's most recent winner, Taylor Hicks. He states that Hicks should have earned his fame through real hard work and talent, like performing in a prefabricated boy band.
  
  
• "George W. Bush...earned the unique distinction of becoming the first president to pardon a cast member of the 1972 Academy Award-nominated movie 'Deliverance'." But not the last.
  
  
• The moon could become one of the planets in our solar system, completely blowing the minds of everyone that thought planets were supposed to revolve around suns.

And now, a strange and interconnected chain of events!

• A woman is being accused of smuggling heroin in her wet panties.
  
• "Chocolatiers see image of Virgin Mary." Really though, that's just the heroin talking.
  
• A man got stuck waist-deep in a vat of chocolate. Presumably looking for Our Lady of the holy sacrament.
• I'M FREAKING OUT MAN
• !!!!!!