The Chronicle: Too Old to Fart Edition

• The world's oldest man turned 115 today, and he attributes his healthy silver years to the fact that, at age 90, he quit his 75-year smoking habit. Presumably he got so old that he couldn't lift the cigarettes to his mouth any longer.
  
  
• A cannibal is currently on trial for eating the face of a young girl. When asked to comment, the flesh-eater simply proclaimed "Shpladoinkle!"
  
  
• After solving the world's most difficult math problem, a Russian mathematician turned down the Nobel Prize, citing the fact that "Math is boring."
  
  
• "Pujols aces test given to Babe Ruth." Of course, the test was for Crippling Alcoholism.
  
  
• "Jill Carrol's kidnappers claim homefield advantage." So that's how they beat the Mets.