The Daily Chronicle: Wednesday, 7-26-2006

I don't know what all the bitching is about--I enjoyed Lady in the Water. And Clerks 2. And for the most part Strangers With Candy. Anyway, that's some explanation as to why your morning news is posted at 5:30 in the pee em.

Ess.

• Lance Armstrong's sizzlin' hot balls may hold the cure to cancer. Also, may hold sperm.
  
  
• A jockey is apologizing to his detractors for head-butting his horse. Oh come on, that shit is comic gold! He head-butted a horse!
• We should be giving him tugjobs under the grandstands.
• Or at least a parade.
• Maybe just get him a gift.
  
• You know. Something nice.
• Like a gold watch.
  
  
• "Sentate passes interstate abortion bill." Thank god. A woman's right to choose is one thing, but I certainly don't want to see that shit on the Interstate.
  
  
• Saddam Hussein insists that, if convicted, he be shot and killed. The Impartial Judge laughed: "If?"
  
  
• "The War on the Web." Not sure how this one is going to turn out, but my guess is that somebody will use Gnome Magic +1.
  
  
• N*Sync's Lance Bass came out of the closet today. One down and four to go (and damn, I'm probably gay just because I knew about that asterisk in N*Sync).

Randy.