- "Study: candy lovers also partial to fruit." But mostly just candy.
- A study shows that distractions, such as television, make learning less efficie...oh shit, The Simpsons is on.
- BEAR ATTACK! A bear ate some food at a camp site. After months of bear news reports, I'm officially out of smartass things to say about bears.
- "Children in Mideast War Zone: "Why are they trying to kill us?"" Because you are a terrible let-down to your parents. Also, oil.
- "The Case of the Notorious Wig Lady." Starring that incorrigible Encyclopedia Brown!
- Samuel L. Jackson "heroically defends" the title of Snakes on a Plane last weekend. Still has no excuse for the Star Wars prequels.
- "Man Purses: Hot or Not?"
- Not.
- Not
- Not
- Shipping horse meat overseas may soon be banned. Thankfully we can still enjoy it domestically in every Chinese-food restaurant nationwide.
- Fat stem cells were turned into muscular stem cells in an American experiment this week. That experiment? Tae Bo.
- "Film Hero [Tom] Cruise defeats cyber-pirate, offscreen." I smell a major Paramount motion picture.
- All-time Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings blasted the show that made him rich and famous by calling Alex Trebek a "robot." In related news, all-time Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings is batshit insane.
- "Thai election commisioners jailed for poll abuse." Meanwhile, Showgirls star Elizabeth Berkley was arrested for pole abuse. Zing!
Today's Showgirls joke was brought to you by the year 1996.
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