The Daily Chronicle: Monday, July 10, 2006

• "Teen's name changed after years of mockery." Experts say it's his parents' fault for naming him "Cockface."
  
  
• "Man seriously ill after stabbing." Probably just a head cold.
  
  
• Japan releases non-alcoholic beer called "Kids Beer." No comment.
  
  
• An 82-year-old woman was alleviated of her fines for slowly jaywalking across the street. Fine, but if it's legal for the elderly to jaywalk, shouldn't it be legal for me to run them over?
  
  
• CROCODILE ATTACK! Even Australia is not free of the "Be Afraid!" media methods.
  
  
• "Woman seeks to clear Witch of Pungo." Harry Potter ecstatic.
  
  
• A bank robber called the cops and taunted them, asking them to watch his America's Most Wanted segment. In related news, three banks were robbed during this week's America's Most Wanted.
  
  
• Saddam Hussein's lawyers are boycotting the closing statements. I've come to the conclusion that these people don't know how courts work.
  
  
• After nineteen innings, the Red Sox were beaten by the White Sox. Too much sox for my tastes.