The News says, "Be afraid!"

Even if it's not busy intimidating the proles with suicide bombers, child abductors, or TomKat, the American news is working hard to keep us on our toes (and afraid enough to buy bottles of Bear Repellant(TM) ).

More Bears Wandering Into Your Backyard (ABC)

Great. Goddamned bears. I already tiger-proofed the place.

• "We've had black bears enter houses when they smell people cooking in their kitchens," said John Watson, assistant commissioner of the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection. "They've entered garages to go after garbage and other sources of food for them."

If you see a bear, do you play dead or do you punch it in the nose? I forget how that works...

• In Colorado Springs, Colo., four bears slept in a pine tree in a residential neighborhood, and in New Jersey a cat chased a bear up a tree.

A cat? Bears are pussies. I say sock it on the schnozz.