More news than you can shake a dick at

• Bill Gates is quitting his daily job at Microsoft, leaving his worries behind him so that he can spend more time snorkeling in his money bin. (ABC)
  
  
• Everyone's favorite Everyone's remembered Who? American Idol Reuben Studdard won two million dollars from his lawsuit against dirty, shyster agents. Will immediately overdose on heroin, reflecting on failed life. (Yahoo!)
  
  
• Amazon.com is beginning to sell groceries, such as cereal and tuna fish, making all contact with the outside world null and void. Fat, lazy people everywhere rejoice. (ABC)
  
  
• A Japanese Bomb Squad found "suspicious beer." They immediately tapped the keg and started singing karaoke very badly. Because they're Japanese, you see. (ABC)
  
  
• A woman accused of stalking a man after a one-night stand is being sent to prison. I told her at the get-go, "Alls I wants is to get mah rocks off, bitch." (BBC)
  
  
• A teacher that faked cancer for several years in order to get sympathy gifts was sentenced to prison this week. Apparently the old I-can't-come-in-to-school-today-because-I-have-cancer excuse raised a few eyebrows. (Reuters)
  
  
• Exciting goat news! Apparently, lightning zapped seventy goats, leaving only the goatherd (like a shepherd, but more goaty) alive. However, further investigation of the goats uncovered the actual cause of death: raped by lonely goatherd. (Yahoo!)
  
  
• All Britney Spears wants is the privacy to drop her baby in peace! (Yahoo!)
  
  
• According to ABC, the Kansas City Royals' David Gloss is the Worst Owner in Professional Sports. It must be depressing to have a lower approval rating than Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush.