Monday, June 19, 2006

The Monday Grind

It's that day again: Monday. Time to get to work and bust your ass for minimum-wage beer money. If only you were as lucky as me. My job is to sit at home masturbating to pictures of the older Tanner sisters from Full House. I do a great job. Anyway, because I've been so bogged down in my work (business has been good), I have a huge backlog of links for you. Time to stick in a laxative and clear these puppies out.
  • Something Awful's TruthMedia has its review of Clerks 2 up. Surprise! They hate it. (For those outside of "the know," TruthMedia writes fake, terrible reviews to incite the anger of fans.

    • Just got back form an advanced press screening of “Clerks 2” and, as a die-hard Kevin Smith fan, it pains me to say it’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. In a lot of ways it’s like going to a family reunion full of people you’re really sick of, or being stuck on a two-hour business flight with that guy who’s still forwarding Chuck Norris emails around the office. For you sports fans, I’ll use this analogy: You know all the coverage Terrel Owens got a few months back and how sick of it you were? Watching “Clerks 2” is a lot like watching an All-Star game full of nothing but a bunch of Terrel Owenses, except instead of playing football they’re clerks at a fast food station and instead of catching touchdowns they argue about Star Wars and anime and shit.

  • ReviewTheWorld has a review of Beast Raider toys--your typical, low-rent He-Man rip-offs.

    • Here’s what I can only assume is the lead villain of the series. Going back to He-Man, this is an obvious homage to its beloved bad guy, Skeletor. Upon doing some research, and no I’m not kidding, there’s actually one or two fan sites in existence for these, I found out he’s named BladeKiller. Talk about unoriginality – it’s like the guys in charge of creative just put a punch of sci-fi and fantasy buzzwords on a wall and threw darts at randomly assembled words to use as potential names.

  • Sick Animation has a new cartoon! It's Adventure Tales, Episode 2, and it's tangental and funny as hell.

  • Cracked has a very special guest reviewer: Jesus! He reviews pictures of himself, and he ain't exactly happy.

    • Do Elvis fans paint the King dead on the toilet? No. You know why? Because they’d rather not remind people of the embarrassing, gruesome way he died. You know what else is an embarrassing way to go? Getting nailed to a fucking cross with a wash cloth draped over your crotch. I mean, I did some amazing shit in my day. I walked on water. Healed lepers. But no, don't bother painting that. Please, by all means, keep immortalizing the worst day of my life. It's not like I'm trying to put that behind me.

  • Player Vs. Fish reviews FearFactor gummis with "bacon-flavored" pieces. Oh...god.

    • I'm going to start with the spaghetti, because quite frankly, it terrifies me the least. The combination of lemon, lime, and tropical fruit could actually be good, and the so-called worms and coagulated blood balls look more like sprinkles than anything else. Let's do this thing.

  • The Jay has 40 reasons why Keanu Reeves does not suck, and they've convinced me.

    • When Keanu decides to do a sequel: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. When Keanu decides not to do a sequel: Speed 2. Can this guy pick winners, or what?

  • Something Awful (again) has "The Elderly Say The Darndest Things" this week. Delightful!

    • "I drink sitting across from a photograph of my late wife and listen to an old warped phonograph record of our favorite song. It's mindblowingly awesome!"

  • Cracked (again) has Super Powers that you absolutely do not want, and they'll even tell you why.

    • Telepathy means you'll never have that comforting illusion ever again. Try hearing, "He really put on some weight," "Nice hair, douchebag, did SuperCuts have a coupon day?" and "Has this guy ever heard of deodorant?" before breakfast, and the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss" will start making a lot of sense all of a sudden.

  • Finally, Something Awful (yet again) has part two of their Misspelled Movie Posters feature. Funny stuff.
Damn, that's a lot. And I still have stockpiled stuff for Busting the Hump on Wednesday. This writing-about-nothing is hard work.

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