The Daily Chronicle: Thursday, June 29, 2006

• Britney Spears nude! Three years ago, we all would have been masturbating by now.

• A 71-year-old nun turned herself in for stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from the church and spending over 60,000 of that on gambling. Yes, like that scene from the end of Sister Act.
  
  
• A study says that "young girls should get cancer vaccine." Also on the list of people who should get a cancer vaccine: Everyone Else.
  
  
• A young boy died on a rollercoaster at Walt Disney World this week. In efforts to keep Walt Disney World's status as the "Happiest Place on Earth," Disney spokespeople said that the child merely "funned himself to death!"
  
  
• "Awkward moments abound in Penis Pump trial." No! Really?
  
  
• BEAR ATTACK! Germany may be bear-free, but Canada is like Spanish Fly for bears. In fact, one anonymous, Canadian bear tried to escape from having his balls cut off this week. THE AUDACITY OF SOME BEARS!
  
  
• A Washington school board is undecided whether it should allow its students to wear "flip-flops" to class. On the one hand, someone somewhere probably finds it "disrespectful." On the other hand, THEY ARE GODDAMN SHOES!
  
  
• 10 protesting, elderly women, dubbed the "Grannies for Peace," were arrested for protesting at an enlistment center despite the fact that they were "told they were too old to enlist." Somewhere, a Hollywood screenwriter just got an awesome idea for a war movie.
  
  
• ABC News: "Has Noah's Ark Been Found?" Me: "No." There, that was easy enough.