Imaginary celebrity puts Chuck Norris to shame.

When you think of the name James Ransone, what pops into your head? Nothing? Same here. But now you're going to see that name and think, "Isn't that the guy that beat the fuck out of a rapist?"

• "There was this Hispanic guy in a blue sweatshirt choking my neighbor and pulling his [sex organ] out," he told Page Six's Lisa Marsh. "I pictured my mom, my girlfriend and every girl I've ever loved and thought, 'Vengeance is mine.'"

Of course, the story ends with Ransone repeatedly bashing the perpetrator's spine with a metal bar. I'm glad we have modern-day heroes and all that claptrap, but in the celebrity news? The biggest credit to this guy's name is a single episode of CSI. And it probably was one of those shitty episodes of CSI. Anyway, be prepared for a rash of B-list television character actors doing heroic things, ripped from the headlines OF TOMORROW.

• Bob Manchett, who played Frenchman #2 on that one episode of Friends, stops a speeding train with his bare hands in efforts to save a cow on the tracks. Manchett subsequently ate the cow.
  
• Callie Francois, a background extra in an episode of perennial children's favorite Gullah Gullah Island, fights terrorism with her laser vision.
• Butch Logwater, who dated Christina Applegate in a 1992 episode of Married With Children, gives ten dollars to the Salvation Army. Salvation Army gives Butch Logwater two used jackets and shelter for the night.

(via The Superficial)

Not to be outdone, Real Celebrity Natalie Portman saved a dog from impending doom by stepping into oncoming traffic. It's no brutal beating by metal bar, but Natalie looked sexy, resplendent in her boy hair. I am satisfied.