Credit where credit is due...

Has anybody ever had to write an "Acknowledgements" page for a paper? I do, and here's what I'm thinking about turning in (because, really, who can I acknowledge in a paper about Huckleberry Finn?)

Acknowledgements

There are many people without whom this paper would not be possible:

• Mark Twain for writing a text that I found much agreeable in observation and analysis.

• Huckleberry Finn for having such a want for freedom that he embarked on this most entertaining adventure across the American landscape.

• Jim for joining Huckleberry on the Mississippi River. A truer friend Huck will never know.

• Tom Sawyer for being a never-ending source of mischief and delight.

• Dr. Mary Stewart, head of the Shippensburg University English Department, for assigning such an enlightening text, as well as such a staggeringly amazing report.

• WaldenBooks at the Chambersburg Mall for providing a last-minute, emergency copy of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. No thanks to the town of Shippensburg, which is currently without a satisfactory book store by any standard.

• Harold, Joel, and Breanne for providing much-needed feedback.

• Everybody who provided me with much-needed distraction during the drafting of this paper: Matt at the ‘80’s nostalgia website, X-Entertainment.com; the creators of the following fine television entertainment: Prison Break, The Amazing Race, Lost, South Park, Survivor, and Alias; and the Shippensburg University English Department, for assigning me three other papers, ranging from five to fifteen pages apiece, due this same week.

• My family for raising me to be the stand-up guy that I am today: my father, who is outrageously random; my mother, the sedated yin to my father’s wacky yang; my sister, who prays everywhere; my brother, who swears in church; my grandmothers, may they rest in peace; and my grandfathers, may they live long in happiness.

• Elliott Smith, for the music.

• Wal-Mart for providing sumptuous snackage.

• Mann’s Produce for creating “California Stir Fry Mix,” which consists of the finest fresh broccoli, carrots, and snap peas. I find that if you steam the vegetables and then slather them in a fat-free mustard, you are provided with an extremely healthy and filling treat that is rather tasty to boot.

• Boca Burgers for creating a vegan soy patty that is high in protein, virtually fat-free, and tasty as all get-out. Even herbivores want to enjoy flavor!

• The Jones Soda Company for creating special Thanksgiving beverages such as “Turkey and Gravy,” “Brussels Sprouts,” “Mashed Potato,” “Cranberry Sauce,” and “Pumpkin Pie.” Simply knowing that such novelty beverages exist is reason enough to go on living.

• Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Aragorn (son of Arathorn), Gimli (son of Gloin), Legolas, Gandalf the Gray, and Boromir (son of Denethor). A finer fellowship I have never encountered.

• Famous playwright William Shakespeare—not, however, for his writings, but rather for being quite dead and unable to pen any more overrated tripe.

• The following people, all of whom I have made up, because they have funny names:
• Kirby Woodriff, Puddles Torkleson, Harpo Sheevles, Gordon “Walrus” Junkert, Bertha McShnicklefritz, Corncob Dimlimb, Oliver Olivier, Mandy Tandy, Randy Tandy, Candy Tandy, Dwight Castlethorne, Idaho Jones, Bill Shiffkey, Cordelia Mays, Reinhold Van Stinklestein, Kevin Wincloud, and, of course, Spoodles.

• The following people deserve absolutely no thanks, and if hope does not fail us, will disappear from (or become marginalized in) the history books of the future:
• President George W. Bush, Kevin Costner, Bill O’Reilly, Kobe Bryant, Michael Moore, Sean Penn, television’s Urkel, and Donald Trump.

• Finally, thank you to four of the five actors who portrayed James Bond, but not Roger Moore, who overstayed his welcome.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week (with over thirty pages worth of papers due). It's been even more of a rollercoaster today. Five pages left to go. I'm doing okay, pretty good.