Tuesday, July 12, 2005

A Letter to Jillian

A letter to Jillian:

To Jillian:
I regret to inform you that your application to be my mistress has been declined. Through a long, dedicated, and grueling process, thousands of interns skimmed each one of the competition's ninety million entries. Believe me when I say that you were in the final running, and that I personally read your application. However, you seemed far too nice to be the woman I would eventually end up cheating on my non-existant girlfriend with.
Instead, you are receiving the runner's-up prize. Believe you me, it is nothing to scoff at, nor is it anything to particularly sneeze at. I mean, ninety million people were in the running for this, this most prestigious of prizes. I've written eighty-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-eight letters of rejection to the other entrants, each one more painful than the last. And not just emotionally; typing those letters got to be actually, physically painful. You see, I have arthritis of the knuckles. Around the six millionth e-mail I typed, my fingers started to go numb. Eventually my left thumb and my right ring finger fell off. I wasn't sure what I had heard--do you put lost limbs in ice, or in milk? I put them in really cold milk just to make sure I had my bases covered. Color me embarrassed when my thumb had curdled and turned to cheese by the time I reached the hospital in Kennebunkport.
But anyway, on to your major award! I'm sure in your life that you've heard of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Perhaps when you were a growing lass, you would watch them on the tele-vision and clap your hands, giggling at Alvin's mischievousness or Dave's surly nature. Well, if you have fond memories of Alvin, Simon, Theodore, and the rest (even those perky Chipettes!), then you'll love your exciting prize: eight free issues of a magazine, with no obligation to further subscription. You can choose from Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustrated, or People. Allow me to elaborate upon those choices so that you can opt for the weekly magazine that best suits your personality.
Entertainment Weekly is your source of startlingly good news about everything and anything Hollywood. If you've been dying to know what Cuba Gooding Jr. has been up to during his last seven years of unemployment, look no further.
Sports Illustrated is a brilliant choice if you are a jock (or even if you wear a jock strap). I'm sure there's all sorts of biting commentary, making fun of Darryl Strawberry's surname. I mean, Strawberry! It's a fruit AND a person! Also, you probably get a football phone for subscribing. AND the annual swimsuit issue. It's a favorite with the kids.
People Magazine is where you'll find all of the dirty paparazzi-esque gossip, but in a socially acceptable candy shell you can feel free picking up at the grocery store. Flipping through the pages of People, you'll find out once and for all: will the children of Julia Roberts have gigantic horse mouths like she does? The answer is...well, I don't want to ruin it for you.
Once again, thanks for entering my competition. I especially loved the part of your application about pie. I think pie is delicious too!
And in response to your other questions: 1) Yes. 2) Three times, but I was young. 3) With no gravy or butter, but with pepper.

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