Gerbils

Scarfy McGee pulled off the hat trick today. He wrapped a scarf around his neck, wore a beanie hat, and brought a dog into class. What the fuck, Scarfy? You somehow managed to see my wager of "Dumb Piece of Shit" and raise me one "Crazy Asshole." And don't give me that crap about the dog being a "seeing-eye-dog-in-training." You have that dog in this classroom for one thing and one thing only. You plan to eat it. You sick fuck. And that olive-green turtleneck is just the height of cool, isn't it? I suppose the scarf just doesn't cut it anymore. Do people think that turtlenecks are the cutting edge of fashion? There is a reason they call it a turtleneck, genius. You look like a damn turtle. And with that bright red beanie hat, you look like a ninja turtle. Meanwhile at the ranch, Baldy Doo turned out to be a delightful fellow with good hygiene and a sense of humor. I retract all comments referring to him by the derogatory name of "Baldy Doo." He is now officially Beardy McFace.

Turn your phone the fuck off, Scarfy. You're interrupting the learning process with the sounds of Pure Moods (yours for three easy payments of nine-ninety-nine, accepts all major credit cards, cancel at any time).

Beardy McFace and I became fast friends yesterday over ice cold mochas at the cafe. Apparently he shaves his head because he's a Buddhist, and is well on his way to the ultimate enlightenment. Beardy McFace is the first Buddhist monk I've ever met who smokes reefer and manpole.

Famous Buddhist Richard Gere shoves gerbils in his ass.

I knew a guy once named Bubba Mo Crankshaft. He was a big, fat slob with the most horrific body odor I've ever smelled. He always slurred his words because his big, fat cheeks got in the way of his big, fat teeth and his big, fat tongue. One time he masturbated in public. We were sitting there watching a video in a high school World Cultures class, and the women of an aboriginal African tribe were going topless and floppy. Bubba Mo whipped it out in the middle of the room and commenced with the fapping and the moaning. Despite all of this, Scarfy McGee is still the more despicable excuse for a human being. At least Bubba Mo didn't wear a fucking scarf.