Once upon a time I was six years old. I was six years old, making a tinky stinky, and I was bored. So I rummaged through the can of trash and picked up an "empty" can of Drano brand drain unclogging powder. As I was reading it, several sprinkles of the poison must have fallen onto my wee willy winky--the logistics of this still baffle me today.
Within the hour, I felt a burning sensation, not unlike the subtle twinge of syphillis. But it wasn't syphillis. Not yet. It was Drano, which had begun to eat away at the tip of my flim flam. It was turning black! Black, I tell you, black! The first thought that came to my head was, "Oh fudge, my weiner is going to fall off." The second thought that came to my head was, "Perhaps this mystical powder transformed my penis into that of a black man, therefore making it gigantic in the future." Alas, the former was the truth. I ran to my mom and yelled, "Mommy! Mommy! My weiner hurts!" We went into the back of the basement where I showed her the slow demise of my most private of parts. Then I ran to the bathtub away in a flash, threw open the curtain and jumped in with a crash.
And after a visit to my Pakistani pediatrician, who was of no help whatsoever, I soaked for another day and the black slowly faded back to pinkish white. And hot damn if my willy never did become black or huge.
This is only chapter one in my wang's autobiography. Chapter Two will be called "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee (And Why Are You Sticking a Metal Rod Inside of Me?)"